The Heart of Houston
September 1, 1995
I spent all day and night at this place called The Edge Bar. Kirk and his band, Hedge, were playing there. His band only consists of two people, Himself and Cody. They have like this acoustic thing going. Their voices just go together when they harmonize. It’s beautiful. Most of the songs they play are originals, but they did play one cover song by the Grateful Dead. It was their tribute to the late great Jerry Garcia. “Knockin on Heaven’s Door” is always a crowd pleaser. Kirk also did a solo that totally blew the crowd away. It was great. All we did was drink beer, smoke pot, and play pool. I actually met some quality people there too. It was the kind of atmosphere that made you feel comfortable around everyone. I talked to these people from Egypt and they were so polite and easy going. I forgot their names but they were in a band called Clockwork. Let me tell you, they put on one hell of a show. It was like Pink Floyd meets Ministry. I mean, this band had all sorts of equipment. During the middle of the show, they ended up blowing a fuse. The set consisted of a keyboard with special sound effects, a T.V. monitor, a computer, and an ample amounts of amps. They also had a smoke machine. It’s no wonder they blew a fuse. It made for a good show though.
During the middle of the two shows, we would all go back and converse with a community joint. That’s when I met the acquaintance of Joe. She looked like the typical girl from Montrose. Earrings in her bellybutton and nose, pale face, red lipstick, and a skintight black dress. She also had about four tattoos on her back and arms. Cody introduced Joe to everyone, and for some reason, she directs all of her attention towards me. I think nothing of it and figure she’s just friendly. We go back inside and I sit down somewhere in the back where the pool tables are with Joe right behind me. Everyone else goes to do their thing and Joe and I are left alone. She questions my age then freaks because I’m only eighteen. I didn’t get her age, maybe about twenty-three.
“Oh well, I still think you’re cute. I especially like your haircut.” She plays with my hair while saying this and scoots up closer to me. I then realize what’s up and ponder what to do next. With a graceful move of the body, I scoot away to a safe distance. She gets the hint but doesn’t take offense in the slightest bit. What did piss her off was when I spilled her beer all over her dress. Honestly, it was an accident, but Joe got up and left, never talking to me again that night. Other than that encounter, I didn’t get hit on at all. Kirk has refrained from his silent vow which only lasted twenty-four hours. I knew it wouldn’t last long. The night would have been pretty boring if it had.
The rest of the night is spent over at Cody’s apartment which is right smackdab in the middle of Westheimer. Not a very safe neighborhood. It’s the part of town where you’ll find all your heroin, crack, prostitutes and freaks just right around the corner. Cody’s friends with all of them. They seem to have plenty of things in common, all of which I just spoke of. Cody’s still a nice guy, he just can’t be trusted. Kirk really doesn’t like him that much because he put the moves on him. Cody’s not all the way gay, but he’s at least bisexual. Most people who live in that area are. We ended up getting home at around 3am. I’m surprised, but today I have somewhat of a hangover. I didn’t really think I drank all that much, but I was lacking food all day also. For some reason, I just can’t last as long as I did a couple years back. Maybe I’ve just grown tired of that scene. The problem is that I get bored with things fast. Nothing seems to last long with me. I need constant excitement just to be content.
Land of the Waterfalls
September 4, 1995
There’s this dream I keep having again and again. It’s so different from all my other dreams. For one, it’s in black and white, most of the time my dreams consist of color. It’s also the same dream every time, things just keep on repeating themselves. I’ve had dreams that are continuations of before, but never the same exact dream. It’s one of those dreams that feel so realistic and stays with you all day. In this case, the realism was quite enjoyable. I can’t recall the events occurring in the dream, it’s doubtful there were any. I just remember the emotions in the dream being so strong and effective. My surroundings are fairly vivid, and that’s where I stayed throughout the dream.
Waterfalls were everywhere, that’s all there was. This place consisted of nothing but waterfalls and I’m the only sign of life. I didn’t feel scared or alone, I felt at peace. The whole time I’m just sitting on the ground right in the middle of one of the many waterfalls. it feels so healing, and I never leave, I just wake up. I’d like to go back tonight, but I doubt that the dream will ever return. It was nice while it lasted though. I wonder if it means anything sub-consciously. The waterfalls could be metaphors of purity cleansing my body from dirt, reviving myself back to health. you never know about dreams. They might hold the answers to so many unsolved problems. I, myself, could hold the key that opens the door to truth.
Streets of Austin
September 6, 1995
My dad finally called today. It’s been a while since I last heard from him. I’m probably going up to Austin to see him in about two weeks. He’s wanting to take me sailing. I like it up there, which is why I plan on moving there in a couple of years. Austin has a totally different atmosphere than Houston does. The scenery is much more pleasant to look at, things are just cleaner there. I was born in Austin and lived there until I was six, not long enough to appreciate it though. When my parents got divorced, mom decided to leave the city, Kirk and I went with her. I try not to do it often, but when I look back to when my parents were together, we seemed as if we had it made. More than enough money, a beautiful house in the country with acres of land. Until one Fourth of July dad drops the bomb. I have a surprisingly clear memory of that night. Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch together having a heated argument. I remember mom’s face being streaked with tears and dad telling me to go back outside. About a month later, Dad remarried to this woman named Cheryl. That marriage wasn’t too successful either, and now dad’s just living with his girlfriend and her son. Last time I went to visit, that relationship wasn’t going too well either.
Dad and I had a good time together, he took me to see all the sights. One of them wasn’t too pleasant. Dad took me down to The Drag so I could get a particular poster. In the back of an old church there was a homeless man just lying on the sidewalk. His pants were pulled down to his knees and a bottle of whiskey was lodged in one hand. He had this white crap coming out of his mouth and stuck all in his beard. Vomit also covered his mouth. The man didn’t move an inch and he wasn’t just passed out, he appeared dead. Dad and I told a cop about the guy and continued on our way. It was disturbing seeing a sight like that but not near as disturbing as the truth behind it. Here’s this old bum, dead on some sidewalk in the middle of the day, and not one person pays any attention. It’s a normal thing, people see it all the time. Has it always been like this or have I just been sheltered? At least five kids came up to me begging for money and I’m going to buy a damn poster! It’s hard for me to understand that kind of lifestyle, and even harder for me to ignore it. In a way, I’m as blind as the rest of the world for I regret to acknowledge this environment we live in.
The Drag is one of Austin’s most popular streets, mostly among Generation X. The whole scene is rather intriguing in a shallow sort of way. I could actually get lost in it. There’s a frame of mind that this lifestyle offers which changes you as a person. The transformation is like an art. It molds you into a clone among the others, and no longer is your existence acknowledged. Everyone is forgotten just like the old bum.
Back to the Boonies
September 11, 1995
In two days I’ll be back at the farm with granny and the cows. I really do enjoy being up there, but it can get boring at times. At night is always the best. The weather cools off, a breeze sets in, and the stars come out. Not to mention all the bats that fly around the farm. My nightly ritual there is to sit on the golf cart and watch the bats feed off insects under the lamp light. I once had one fly right by me and brushed up against my shoulder. Took me by surprise for I wasn’t even paying attention to them at the time. After PaPa died, we lost half the land but there’s still plenty left to get lost in. The golf cart is what Granny uses to roam around the farm in. The old lady’s pretty reckless in it too. I usually end up driving that thing all over the farm for a good part of the day. Exploring is the thing to do up there, but I never find much of anything. Only a variety of cow skulls, cow patties, and some guy taking a crap.
I was watching Granny’s hired workers move the haystacks from a steady distance. I kept driving the golf cart closer and closer to where they were and I caught a glimpse of some guy behind the hen house. He was squatting with his pants down, cowboy hat, cowboy boots, beer in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. The guy saw me coming the whole time, but what’s he gonna do? I should have gotten a picture. That’s like a once in a lifetime thing.
Anyway, Gwen and I are taking a short vacation, and where else are you going to find seclusion better than out in the middle of nowhere? Priddy, a little town outside of Austin is where the farm is located. With a population that ranks in about one hundred, not much of anything happens there. Its beautiful scenery is the only thing worth going for. The rolling hills with trees covering every inch of the landscape, and wide open fields with cows grazing everywhere. Most of the residents living there are full-blooded Germans just as PaPa was. When he first arrived in America at about age seven, he couldn’t speak one word of English. His family purchased acres of farmland and even built their own house. It still stands, but the only thing living in it are the bats, and maybe a few rats.
I’m a true believer in the afterlife, spirits roaming the earth surrounding mortals that are naïve to their existence. The old house is haunted, but not in an evil way. On the night of PaPa’s funeral, I went in there with my brother. We were both still in mourning. I will admit the whole atmosphere was eerie. You could hear the howling wind blowing through the cracks of the rotting wood. It was pitch black but Kirk and I hiked up the steep staircase for a better view on the second story. We peered out the broken window overlooking the windmill still in progress. His presence was evident, although I saw nothing. All you had to do was just close your eyes and feel.
A Vacation
September 14, 1995
Today’s the last day at the farm up in Priddy, TX. We’ve only been here for about three days, but for some reason it seems much longer. There comes a time when isolation from society gets old and you start missing it. So, from here it’s off to Austin to visit my dad, not to mention 6th Street. I know as soon as I leave I’ll probably miss the place.
Granny’s starting to get to me. First off, she’s a big-time racist, her and Gwen kind of got into it, but I pretty much managed to ignore it. The woman obviously isn’t going to change her opinions. I could go on and on about her, but I don’t want to bitch. All in all, she’s a sweet woman. I can’t get this one conversation I had with her out of my head. We were talking about PaPa’s death and how she’s getting along without him. Living on the farm alone must be loney, and in her case, frightening. I asked her how she managed to keep her sanity. Granny simply replied, “I’m not alone, he’s still with me. I can hear him cough at night. I can hear him snoring away right beside me.” At first I figured she was speaking of her memories with PaPa, and was just reliving the past in present time. Wrong. She really believes that his spirit is here with her. I don’t doubt that. I actually felt it too, but Granny also claims to have seen him. I don’t know about that.
My Hometown
September 16, 1995
For the first time in a long time, I actually feel a sense of freedom. This road trip is just what I needed. It feels refreshing to be able to get away from it all. In Gwen’s new car, we decided to take off. At first our plans were to just go see Granny, but now that we’re in Austin, we might as well go to Kerrville to visit Gwen’s mom. Thank goodness I got in touch with Dad or else we’d have been sleeping in Gwen’s car. He had no idea I was even coming, so I’m hoping it was a nice surprise.
As soon as we got into town I called him, got directions to his house, and made myself at home. Even helped myself to his beer in the fridge, he’s the one who offered it. Unfortunately, we’re only staying here for one night and Gwen doesn’t even want to go to 6th Street. We were going to go to the R.E.M. concert, but one ticket costed $40, funk that. Instead, we rented a movie and agreed to go to 6th Street the next day. It ended up being pretty lame. Not much goes on there during the day. We did run into a couple of bums on the sidewalk and chatted with them for a while. They shared their beer with us and we shared our smokes. Other than that, it wasn’t even worth the three dollars we had to pay for parking. Next stop, Kerrville, home of the most beautiful scenery I’ve seen in a long time. Although I’ve only been there once, my first impression was a damn good one.
The Vacation
September 17 – 22
Went to the farm with Gwen. Had a good time. Went to Kerrville with Gwen. Had a good time. Went to Austin to see Dad with Gwen. Had a good time. Came home to very bad news. Had a shitty time.
Dying Day September 23, 1995 Once in a while we shall dance on our grave. Before eternal sleep comes the end of this winding maze. Give me the chance to reminisce until a dying day. I saw the remains of what used to be, This vision so beautiful, someday you’ll see. We frolic in our youth as our minds grow old, Cherish this sweet memory, Your life I shall behold. Once there was a dream That together we would share How could time erase the chance To breathe this newfound air? A frown was placed upon your lips And silence filled the room How dare I speak to you my friend This shrine was all too soon. Once in a while I look back On when we lived on a dying day. - For Julie -
Death of a Friend
September 23, 1995
I found out today that my best friend, Julie, passed away this morning. We’ve been friends since 7th grade. She’s the first person I met when I moved here (to Humble) several years ago. I would definitely consider her my sister. We did grow apart in the last year but we always managed to keep in touch. I used to do everything with her, she even lived with me for a while. As false as this may sound, I somehow knew it would happen. it still came as a shock, but I often wondered about something like this happening.
A few nights ago I had this dream and I can’t help but think that there’s a connection somewhere. It was my life five years ago and I was at school with all my old friends. Me, Julie, Rachel and Heather were the closest in the group. In the dream we’re all sitting in the cafeteria being loud and obnoxious as usual. What I don’t understand is why the dream even took place. I wasn’t thinking of them at all that day. One person was missing though, Julie wasn’t in the dream. I can almost guarantee she will be in my dreams tonight. I guess I’m still in disbelief, but her death was a freakish event.
Rachel called me with the bad news and not long after she came to pick me up. We went over to the family wake which is always a disturbing experience. Julie was wearing a real pretty dress but I know she wouldn’t like it. Her hair was done up just how she would have had it, but her face was different. Of course her skin was pathetically pale, but her lips and her eyes were not even recognizable. They looked swollen and her face was so skinny. She looked fake, just like that of a wax figure. Her once pregnant stomach was back down to it’s normal size. The baby is in stable condition but nobody thinks his chances of survival are very high. He is two months early and not able to breathe on his own yet. Tomorrow they’ll be taking him off the respiratory machine and I guess that will determine his fate.
Julie never got to see her baby. She died of a heart attack in the early morning hours of the day. The night before she had been having chest pains and even went to the doctor for it. He said it was nothing, gave her some pain pills, and sent her back home. She took a hot bath to relieve the pain and ended up staying awake for the remainder of the night. The next morning she took another hot bath and that’s when the heart attack hit her. She was revived once but not for very long. She was eighteen.
I get the feeling I’m going to carry this for a long time. I’ve never been able to handle death very well. Right now, it’s about four in the morning and I’m beyond tired. For some reason, I’m dreading sleep, maybe because I fear dreaming. I admit I haven’t been sober all night, but who wants to be at times like this? None of it seems real. Somehow I doubt that it ever will. I just keep on saying it over and over again, “I just can’t believe that Julie’s dead. She’s really gone. She’s really dead.”
The Escape
September 25, 1995
Jena ran away today. It was a planned escape, but things didn’t go the way they were supposed to. I was to meet Jena at Intercontinental Airport at six. My mom and I were waiting at the gate, but Jena didn’t show. The plan seemed so perfect, and it was. After Jena’s mom dropped her off at driving school, Jena caught a taxi to the airport. Julie, her sister, already gave her the money for the ticket. Jena was to then catch a plane to Houston, I would pick her up and take her to a hotel. We figured the cops wouldn’t be so worried, considering the millions of runaways happening every minute. Jena had different plans. She ended up catching a plane to New Orleans where Joe would be waiting for her. I seriously hate that asshole. He’s a hypocrite, one of my pet peeves. The two of them had it all planned out, without us even knowing. This information hasn’t been confirmed yet, but where else could she be?
Joe has family up in New Orleans. I went by his house tonight around one, but his van wasn’t there. It’s been about two months since I’ve last seen Jena, and I miss her more than I thought I would. Why the hell didn’t she just meet me at the airport? My life seems so chaotic right now, it doesn’t even feel real yet. Gwen’s coming down tomorrow for Julie’s funeral. I still don’t know if the baby made it or not, but truthfully, I don’t care at the moment. I feel rather selfish, although I can’t understand why. Who’s ever heard of a heart attack at age eighteen? Especially Julie.
Waiting for Time to Heal
September 29, 1995
I saw my old friend, Christy, at Eckerd’s. She asked me if I went to the funeral. I said “yes” and asked why I didn’t see her there. “Well, I went to the wake to see the body, but I feel the funeral is more of a family thing.” She kept referring to Julie as “the body” in our conversation. It got to me. Even though that’s what it is, it’s still Julie. All of my other friends were at her funeral, and it was really nice seeing them again. We’ve all changed so much, but there’s still a bond between us. I wish them all good luck but regret to ever see them again. Nothing would be the same as they were several years ago. The only person out of that whole group that I still talked to was Julie. I can’t express how it feels to have her gone. Memories keep flashing in my head. It’s amazing how clearly I remember the times we shared, and now I cherish them forever.
At her funeral I almost lost it. I couldn’t believe I was actually attending Julie’s funeral. Her baby didn’t make it. He was in the coffin with her. He was so tiny. I couldn’t stand to breathe at the sight of them. That image just stays stuck in my head. It’s my reminder that she is, in fact, dead. I miss her so much. She was the most carefree person I’ve ever known. Julie never passed judgement on anything I did or said. Every time I was in trouble, she was right behind me and carried my burdens as well. I just can’t cope with it yet. At the time of her death, she was happier than I’ve ever seen her. I guess only the good die young. Time is the only thing going for me now.
Moving On
October 11, 1995
It’s been quite a while since my last entry. For the past two weeks I’ve been in somewhat of a daze. It’s amazing how quickly life can just change. I set some totally new goals for myself, and I admit to being surprisingly excited about them. For one, I plan to be going to college by this time next year. The campus is in Kerrville, but the prices are considerably high. My mom is actually the person who came up with this idea. I think she’s actually starting to let go a little bit. Let me tell ya, it’s about freakin’ time. I even brought up my plan of getting an apartment with a couple of close friends and she didn’t object to it.
I’ve also decided to enroll myself into some kind of self-defense class. I’ve always wanted to take taekwondo or something. That would be great to learn. I just need something to do with my time. One of my main problems is the fact that I’m a loner, it’s not by choice though. I’m pretty much a friendly person, but not very sociable. I feel so uncomfortable in a crowd. I suppose the obvious is my lack of confidence. That quality, among many others, is something I plan on changing about myself. This is gonna sound cheesy, but I want a new image. I’m pathetically bored with myself.
Meet Reality
October 17, 1995
So, after you hit rock bottom there’s no other way to go but up. I pray to God that this is as low as it gets for I can’t handle much worse. I’m constantly motivating myself with certain goals as an effort to beat depression. By this time next year, life will be heading in the right direction. At the present time, all my concentration is being focused on one thing…reality. Yes, reality. It’s something I’ve been putting off for a while now. One unfortunate day, this reality acted as an alarm and woke my ass up. My awakening was a result of living a sheltered life, “not my fault but it is my problem.” I suppose, all in all, something will come out of this chaos eventually. Dare I say, “It’ll make me a stronger person in the end.” What do I care about strength? I just want an escape.
Have you ever noticed that when someone dies there’s a certain emptiness you feel within that never goes away? Finally, you just learn to live with it, but that part of you becomes numb. I just can’t get used to it yet. The other night I had a dream that my dad commit suicide, my cousin Evan died, but Julie was more alive than ever. I despise dreams like that. They confuse the mind at the most vulnerable time. The very second your eyes open, you realize the deceit. Every night we fall victim to this game, most of the time enjoying it until, one again, reality steps in.
Another Obstacle
October 18, 1995
The way things are going, Jena might as well of died right along with Julie. It’s been about three months since I’ve last seen her. We know where she is now, but get this, she won’t let us come see her. Her dad rented out an apartment for her in Galveston. As you might have imagined, she’s having the time of her life. Joe is staying with her of course, which is the reason why we can’t see her. She’s afraid that if we go up there, we’ll have a run in with Joe and might get her caught. Not very many people know where she is, only myself, her dad, Julie, and Gwen. Everyone else is still in the dark, because basically, they have big mouths. The information in this entry is supposed to be totally top secret. Judy is doing everything in her power to locate Jena and is convinced that she was kidnapped for she left behind her toothbrush. Funny, isn’t it? The woman is ignorant.
Cops already came by my house looking for Jena so I took advantage of this and proceeded to give them a full description of Joe. I feel like I’m living in some James Bond episode. Our phones have been bugged as well as Jaren’s house and car. Everything has to be spoken in code. Jaren’s son, Jaren, is responsible for all of it. A couple of months ago, before any of this happened, Jaren (dad) and Judy were supposed to go to court over money matters. Judy convinced her son to go down to Houston and bug his dad to find information that would send him to jail. Well, they haven’t gotten shit. Just me over at Jaren’s house playing video games. Money well spent, eh Judy! We’ve been bugged for over two months now. What a way to live.
Anyway, I’m sure Jena’s being brainwashed by that asshole Joe. First her mom then Joe. He’s been trying to convince her to move up to Colorado with him. There’s a good chance she’ll end up going. It’s sad that she’s only sixteen and has basically had her whole life stolen from her. In this case, it’s her choice. She doesn’t have to stay with Joe. I’ve known him for about two years so I’ve pretty much got him figured out. Let me start off with saying he’s pure white trash. The guy’s body odor is profoundly potent, thus, the nickname “Gruby.” He works as a stagehand at concerts and spends the majority of his money on weed and Chinese food. At twenty-four years old, he’s going nowhere with his life and doesn’t even realize it. Joe’s also got some mental problems as well. He’s a manic depressive, codependent, low self-esteem, controlling, manipulative, obsessive, power-hungry bastard who thinks the whole world is out to get him! If murder was legal, I would definitely do away with him. What’s worse is that Jena’s in love with this guy, and let me tell ya, he is in no way attractive by any means. I wish I didn’t care as much as I do because the whole situation really gets to me. I am starting to let go, I mean, when the hell can I get on with my life?
My Invasion
October 21, 1995
I’ve made up my mind believing that no one can be trusted. Once again, my privacy was invaded. Remember in my last entry the statement, “The information in this entry is supposed to be totally top secret?” Well, I meant that, and yes, someone read all of it. Jayme now knows where Jena is. She had no clue as to where she was! She ended up getting all pissed off because we had kept it from her. If the truth be known, we had a damn good reason in doing so. Jaren and I were going up to see Jena the night she read it, and she ended up going with us. I didn’t find our visit with Jena very pleasant. We met her at a restaurant and she was with some girl named, Heidi. It seems that Heidi’s been living with her, as well as her boyfriend, Eric, and of course, Joe. She and Eric are both Joe’s friends, and guess where they’re from? Colorado.
So, there we are, sitting at some restaurant named Kelley’s visiting with Jena and listening to Heidi talk about her job. She’s a titti dancer and has been for a while now. You know, I should have guessed, that’s the only kind of women Joe associates with. I truly believe that was to be my last time to see Jena. I wish I never got involved in this situation. I’m so sick of dealing with it.
The bitch is in town tonight. Judy and her husband Jerry come down to Houston on the weekends to look for Jena. They drove by my house about three times tonight. Luckily, I was outside to see them do it. The first time I saw that damn camper go by, I knew it was them. They drove by once and then turned around and came back. I was ready the second time. Before they could even catch sight of me, I was already giving them the finger and yelling obscenities. Kirk was right beside me waving his bayonet in the air. A few minutes later a cop drove by with his search lights on. Judy and Jerry drove by a couple more times, and Kirk and I performed the same ritual. Every time proceeding after them would be a cop. My trip to the store tonight was the explanation as to why they’re in town. Right in the window of the store was a picture of Jena. “We need your help in finding our daughter Jena Current.” I checked all the stores by my neighborhood, and there was Jena plastered on the window. For keepsakes, I took one down.
An incredible coincidence happened today. A police officer phoned my house. He asked for someone else so I told him he had the wrong number. He then proceeded to ask me what my old address is and stated he was looking for the current residences. I put Jaren on the phone because the cop ended up needing directions to the address. Earlier this evening he called back wanting to know if I’ve ever heard the name Rebecca Brown. Now, call me paranoid, but I think Judy’s up to something. First off, the whole conversation with this “police officer” was very unprofessional. I mean, what cop calls the wrong number and then asks directions on how to get somewhere? Not to mention calling back later that night. That woman has been invading my life for much too long. If this thing were to ever go to court, we could take Judy down. She would be in jail so quick. Because of her, I’ve even changed my mind about moving to Austin. There’s no way in hell I’m going to live in the same city as that woman. I honestly wish death upon her. My freedom is being denied because of Judy. She even has the cops watching my house now. I think in another life she was probably the anti-Christ.
Eye to Eye
October 28, 1995
All eyes upon me, judging, I face down, intimidated by them. This is not what I am, looks can deceive, you have proved that to be true. I read expressions guilty of the very sin I despise. This wall came down in a triumphant rumble, I am set free, my eyes shall never lie. Gently I caress this newfound love, warmth surrounds my body. All this time I was ignorant. To be frightened of my very own reflection, by my shadow, I have no reason to fear. How real the imagination can seem, somehow it became real. We gain knowledge after misery. These eyes look upon, still, they judge. I put myself in plain sight for the world to see.
Devil’s Night
October 31, 1995
If I spend one more day in this box-shaped room with its godawful view, I’ll go insane. I’m so sick of my surroundings. Nothing here can make me happy so why stay? When I said I’m not going to be here for another year, I meant it. Problem is, I don’t know where to go or how I’m planning to get there. My car is one answer, but I still seem to be short on cash. That job I said I was going to get never happened. Maybe I can just pawn a bunch of my shit for money.
My plan to go to college is still a possibility, but I’m just not sure if that’s what I want to do. Gwen would probably be going with me which means we’d be sharing a place together. Truthfully, I don’t know if I could handle that. We’re just so different and tend to get on each other’s nerves. She’s living with me now because she landed a job up here. It just seems like she’s trying to be someone she’s not. I don’t know. Maybe we’re all guilty of that. Well, today is Halloween and Kirk and I are planning on going to the blue light cemetery. I decided to dress up as someone from the 70’s, dig? Kirk is going as a Kicker. Halloween has been described as the devil’s night. In my humble opinion, every night here is devil’s night.
Moment of Truth
November 7, 1995
In every conversation spoken a signal is given, reach out and listen, this vision is blurred. I believe that I too cannot hear, nor can I say that I care. It was once a dream to be able to heal, I could open up and reveal. My emotions run deep inside, no human soul can see. What was the point in it all? This path was not my destiny, I am supposed to be different, I was to change this course. Another failure accomplished with success. It’s been told again and again, blame is not an issue, we’ve never had a choice. I’m sick of pretending, everything learned is false. I convict the world of hypocrisy as well as myself. Take offense to my opinions, my doings, but never shall I be guilty of a lie. What you see before your eyes isn’t real, the art of deceiving became easy. Pride was never a problem but it became a solution. When I gave myself, I lost everything but gained the answer. Now, when I speak, I can be sincere, although it means nothing. Life was not asked to be, but still it exists. I want to see the other side.
First Priority
November 19, 1995
I’ve seen Jena for the past four days. She’s living up in New Caney just about 20 miles out. Joe found them a place this time. It’s a camper about the size of a van. Inside it’s filthy with mold growing everywhere. The place is set out in the middle of nowhere. If one thing that could be said, it’s that they’ll never find her there. She’s pretty much had a run of bad luck these last three weeks. Her first encounter was when she fell off the porch and sprained her wrist. She then proceeded to catch a terrible case of the flu. As if that wasn’t enough, Joe wrecked the car in the ditch and Jena’s head cracked the windshield. She’s doing alright but is still in tremendous pain. Joe and her fight everyday. It usually ends with Joe threatening to leave, but unfortunately, he never does. I can tell Jena’s about had it with him, hopefully she won’t put up with it much longer.
Enough about that situation, it’s time to move on to something new. Only problem is, nothing else is really going on in my life. My mom found out I smoke pot. Kirk said that she was asking him where I was getting it from and that she was crying. I wonder how the hell she found out? Kirk told. Part three of The Beatles’ Anthology is coming out in five minutes so I gotta go. Dare I say, “The Beatles are back!”
Verses November 25, 1995 Smolder me with vast colors of fluorescence. I might be seen shining bright within reach. Speak ever so clearly in a tone only I may hear. Sail past the wind and drift beyond boundaries. Shadows dance along with us, it’s time for celebration.
Last Entry?
December 13, 1995
For a split second I made myself believe that this pain was just a dream. It was so simple to close my eyes and deny the truth. It’s somewhat scary how extremely easy it is to fool my own self. Lately, I seem to be doing it a lot. If there’s one positive thing I can say, it’s that I’m not as depressed as I used to be. For the life of me I don’t know why. I mean, it’s not as if my life is getting any better. Far from it. Maybe I’ve just learned how to handle it. I do feel I have control of myself now, which is something I’ve been lacking. Besides that, my situation has pretty much stayed the same.
The bitch is still harassing everyone, I still hate this place, still don’t have a job, still have yet to graduate, and there’s still no end in sight. Christmas is in about two weeks. Soon it will be a new year. This time it’ll be a good one. I plan to make some serious changes. I don’t know what yet, but something’s got to give. The other night I had one of those dreams where everything is just so perfect. My life was what I wanted it to be. I hate waking up from that. Reality is not what it should be, and until it is, this shall remain my last entry. I’m sick of writing about the same shit. When there’s something else in my life besides a crisis, maybe I’ll want to continue writing.
Happy New Year
January 2, 1996
The new year is officially in progress. I can honestly say it’s been pretty good so far. I’m in Bay City with Gwen right now. We just got back from a four day vacation in Kerrville. A couple of hours ago I called my mom to let her know we made it here safely and she had some wonderful news to tell me. The poetry contest I entered a while back finally sent a response. It seems that my poem made it into the semi-finals and will be going on to the final judgement. I could win up to $2000 if my poem wins. The cool thing is, making it into the semi-finals has already won me a publication. They’re printing it in some book called A Tapestry of Thoughts. Wow, my first publication, I can’t believe it. I sent in the poem that I wrote about Julie (Dying Day) which makes it even better. Somehow it helped me with putting her death to rest, kinda like a last goodbye. I consider this my tribute and dedication to her. In my last entry I said I wouldn’t write again until something in my life changed, well, nothing has yet. What has changed is myself. I have a totally different outlook on life. Maybe a little peace of mind was all I needed.
Social Dilemma
February 11, 1996
Gwen’s been living with me for about three months now and today the shit finally hit the fan. It’s not that I really had a problem with her living here (except for very little privacy), but Kirk was the main culprit for her leaving. He kept saying things like, “When the fuck is Gwen leaving?” or “She doesn’t even have a job so why in the fuck is she living here?” Gwen would hear all of it which was Kirk’s intentions. I don’t blame her for leaving at all, hell, I wish I could. I have a social life again but even that is getting boring. Sitting over at Larry’s house for hours at a time isn’t exactly what I would call excitement. There’s always at least five people over there, besides Larry, David, and George who live there. They sell weed which is one of the reasons for the constant crowd. I’ve pretty much gotten to know everyone over there, a lot of them I already knew. Crystal goes over there a lot so I enjoy visiting with her. We’ve known each other since junior high, back then we were real tight, but not so much anymore. Julie’s funeral was the first time I had seen her since two years. She really hasn’t changed much.
Tony is someone else I see at Larry’s a lot that I’ve known since junior high. He’s basically going nowhere in life. His ex-wife is enough evidence to see how low his morals are. Her name is Elizabeth, she’s seventeen years old and has the reputation of a total whore. A few months back, she called up Jena’s house at three in the morning wanting to talk to Jena about Joe. She told Jena that Joe had gotten her pregnant which meant he had cheated on her. Of course Jena didn’t believe her, and I didn’t either at first. Every guy that Jena’s dated has been one of Elizabeth’s ex-boyfriends. For some reason she ended up hating Jena because of it, as well as me for I was Jena’s friend. Every single time I would go over to Larry’s house and Elizabeth was there, she would give me these evil looks as if trying to intimidate me.
This silent war kept going on for months up until recently. For the first time we actually talked to each other and she acted as if nothing was wrong. In fact, she even started talking to me about Jena and Joe. Turns out, Elizabeth knows where they are and talks to Joe frequently. Just last night she told me that she knew they had moved to New Orleans a couple of days ago. Nobody was supposed to know that so you could imagine my shock. Oh, she also told me that Joe had told her to kick my ass. Little punk. I want him dead. When I talked to Jena about the whole Elizabeth thing, she insisted that she was lying. Jena hasn’t seen Elizabeth once, but yet she talks to Joe all the time obviously. I mean, come one, she can’t be lying. She knows where they live.
A Memory
February 9, 1996
Through every smile directed at me, I cherish the moment forever.
She smiled at me from across the room as if she knew I needed one. Every face surrounding me was a stranger. I sat low in my chair and spoke not one word, for as far as I was concerned, I didn’t exist. Still, she noticed and even asked to borrow a pencil. He voice was loud but cheerful and friendly. She had this carefree and fearless attitude that seemed to attract attention, curiosity, and sometimes criticism from everyone. Throughout the class, she would crack jokes and I found myself laughing along with her. No one else in the room seemed to find her outburst appealing. In fact, nobody seemed to fancy the likes of her at all. The bell rings and she’s gone before I even make it to the door. “She still has my pencil,” I thought.
Lunchtime, and once again I find myself seated low in the chair sipping on a Coke. Different voices keep echoing in my ears from the mass amount of students conversing with one another. I suddenly feel myself become severely lonely.
“Hey, I like your shirt. Where did you get it?” I look up to see about five people standing there. One of them I recognized.
“I’m Julie. Who are you?”
“Lindsay,” I say with a laugh.
“Well, Lindsay, why don’t you come eat with us?”
That was that. From then on she became the dearest friend I’ve ever had. It’s been about six years since that day at middle school, though it feels like it was just yesterday. God, I miss her.
Verses February 2, 1996 If insanity is what controls a genius, I consider myself ignorant. Insanity shall create the genius. After a great loss we are left in a total state of shock, followed by pain and misery we dwell on for some time. In the end, nothing is left but numbness filled with emptiness. Is it I that claims false judgement? Possibly I just see you naturally.
December 16, 1995
As soon as I awake, I can remember it for no longer than one hour. A while after, say three months, the dream will come back to me. Not during sleep, I’m wide awake when it happens. Out of the middle of nowhere, I’ll just suddenly remember. It feels exactly like having a deja vu.
Inspiration
November 26, 2995
When I hear laughter I fear that it’s being directed towards me. It’s one of the many insecurities I possess. I think it’s probably a result from earlier years. For the life of me, I just couldn’t gain acceptance from peers, an outcast not by choice. Unfortunately, society’s ignorance left a scar. Why should the opinions and judgement from others affect me so deeply? Fact is, I became my worst enemy. Besides the fact that I betrayed myself, I betrayed others. To this day, they have no idea. See, the kind-hearted, giving, caring soul is nothing but an image. Truth is, I’m pathetically selfish. My only goal was to be wanted. I fear I may never learn to actually love. Understand that sympathy is not what I crave. Individuality is the keyword. I would like more than anything to be special. Only problem is, my misery makes me a clone. If I was able to expose myself to the world and be completely naked in a sense, I would be content. For when there’s nothing left to hide, we can move on.
Invisible
November 1995
I am invisible. How many times have I been passed by this crowd of unfamiliar voices ignoring my very existence? They laugh in harmony. I stand in the distance, head held high watching with envy. How secure it would be to be surrounded by such a crowd. Loneliness would seem impossible. Society isn’t intimidating when you’re not facing it alone. All any of us really want is to be included, right? I gaze upon this crowd and see beyond my sight. Yes, I sense happiness, security, dependency, and acceptance from this crowd, but that’s all it is, a crowd. Just one big mass of clones feeding off of each other. Again, they pass by, and I still go unnoticed, but I was never invisible. It is they who go unnoticed and eventually become blind. I can be seen alone and see what is clearly invisible.
February 29, 1996
Alas, the time has come for eternal freedom. Bring forth yourself among us, we celebrate in feast. Wipe dirt from your eyes my fellow lad, water shall cleanse your wounds. Mother stands before you speaking a familiar chant in perfect rhythm. Such comfort can be felt in the arms of sincerity. Smoke clears in the distance revealing the remains of a lost victory. We shall not weep for it is not our loss. As far as the eye could see, not one empire stood. Cast away this shadow that hangs over your soul and rejoice in a triumphant roar. The end is here, let us start to begin.
Verses March, 1996 Once again I feel it come upon me. There comes a time when each new day becomes a repeat of the one before. Nothing extraordinary, no excitement, just a continuous cycle. Just one more time and then I’ll start again. Before it all slips away, it was worth nothing. I’ll get it back after just one last time. I have nothing left to say. Every word written has been read. It just doesn’t come to me. And like so many times before, close these eyes to silence the roar. Come away from me, as we can plainly see, blood shall bind this bond for nevermore.
Follow My Nature April 6, 1996 I remain still in the presence of you. In silence alone my essence shines through. We became one separation from two. Always too far when the timing’s too soon. Follow my nature inside to my soul, Can’t help but wonder how sanity flows. Follow my nature outside to my foe, Can’t help but notice how the wind tends to blow. I feel we connect in time to foresee. You fake when the truth is lying to me. Never quite saw what I used to be. Happiness comes when your mind is set free. Follow my nature in stride I shall doubt, Nothing appeared when I figured it out. Follow my nature with vengeance they shout, No one around as I frolic about.
Lullaby May 12, 1996 Mother’s sweet lullaby still echoes in my ears. Such a familiar song I can so clearly hear. Safe in the arms of security, I feel cleansed in the essence of purity. With an answer to my every cry, To know such life will never die. Mother’s sweet lullaby can wash away my tears, Shelter from the world where dreams shall never fear. When warmth can be felt all around, Her soothing voice became the only sound, And with every day that passes by, Remember mother’s lullaby. For Mom Lindsay Love
April 25, 1996
Perhaps it’s just the way I think which leads me to believe what I do. If what it really is was nothing but a state of mind, all I would need to do is change it. As I always have to see things deeper than they might be, it becomes a bit more difficult to find the answer. In every analysis made, judgement usually comes before. After the conclusion is drawn, I’m still left behind wondering why. In the end, confusion is all I seem to find. I keep telling myself over and over to just accept it and quit dwelling on it. I never can do it so I hold on until something else takes its place. Yet without constant misery, how would I live? I seem to believe that through sorrow, pain, and depression, we find depth, knowledge and strength. I don’t want life to be this way anymore. What kills me is that it doesn’t have to be. I possess the power to change it. And of course, I’ve tried, I’ve been trying, I’m still trying. I haven’t given up only for one reason which is that I can feel it just within reach. It’s like there’s one single piece to the puzzle left, but all the pieces appear to be gone. Then one day, without even looking, it just appears.
Verses The season has once again come, such changes my mind became numb. A time of freedom for some, nothing to fear when it’s all said and done. (April 4, 1996) Would it take me for you to realize? Every little thing I see in your eyes, yesterday was love as tomorrow is despise. Yes, I know, my friend, it’s all a show, please listen to your oldest lifelong foe. (July 17, 1996) I am all there is as I am everyone. Who could ever get inside of me? You are all I see, I am all you know, could we ever be within what’s one? (July 23, 1996)
Here Comes the Sun
May 15, 1996
I actually caught it. In a glimpse, I could feel and even touch the very answer needed for so long. Suddenly, it was there. I didn’t even realize it happened. After every analysis, every attempt to destroy this unexplained misery lurking within myself, suffocating any spirit left in my body. For the past year I’ve been searching for freedom, peace of mind, and total acceptance from myself. Still, as always, something was in the way. It was me all along. I just can’t get away. This isn’t what my point is all about. I found what I’ve been searching for, though I couldn’t hold on to it. The end is almost here.
May 1996
Never before have I felt this distant from life. I find myself standing on the outskirts of what seems to be the very thing I need. It feels as though it shall never be mine, it shall never be me. I’m fooled every time by this betrayal not even acknowledged by the “enemy.” I allowed this situation to affect me in such a painful way.
Rainbow’s End May 23, 1996 Believe in me for now I see Distance kills the harmony, And open minds forget to weep As early dreams begin to sleep. Vanity is much too deep, This spirit died, The mind is freed. In every breath you stole from me, Relations soar to every sea. Time has passed the only key, With nothing left to ever be. Remember words too cold to speak, And every day so blind to think. This pain was planned As I grew weak. Reveal the stone And watch me sink. If envy warps the empty head, I then refuse to stand misled. A change begins to draw me near, Face myself to feel the fear. Lonely, yes, but after all, The time is come, I hear my call. Memories linger and haunt as well, Secrets unfold and demolish this spell. Where trust used to live And love was to give, I’m numb where I learn to forgive. Truth is my answer after everything said, Consider my feelings already dead. For every betrayal still left unknown, Nothing else matters, I traveled alone. Eyes fill with black yet so clearly I see, The colorful promise, My spirit at ease. Life almost killed my God-given soul, Then I found myself standing directly below, The long-awaited end of a rainbow.
Verses Shall we go without you, without me, sail into the golden sea? Shall we taste the taste of free, within you, within me? (May 29, 1996) It’s me this time you see, never thought I could ever be. (May 1996) And so it came to be you see, nothing short of mockery, as bleeding hearts begin to breathe, sacred fields now bow the King. And every life rejoice in sing, a feast of tea and everything. (July 4, 1996) Beyond the reach of shelter caves, majestic winds and roaring waves, above mankind and shifting graves, below the earth her mother saves. (July 8, 1996)
Only Be July 9, 1996 Forget that you are slowly growing old, I will only speak after hearing what was told. She is always fading in to me, Nothing I can do but only be. Touch reveals the feelings left inside, Shall there ever be another lie? Close enough to just beyond the reach, Younger days have taught her how to teach. Could I appear to be the sacred one? Hold me now and fear shall come undone. As far as eyes could ever learn to say, Merry days lie just above the ray. Come alive for time is hours to hide, Within your strength is ours to confide. Words are blind with open minds we see, Nothing I could do but only be.
Family Reunion
July 10, 1996
Tomorrow I will be on my way to New Mexico. I’m going with Jena, Jaren, and Jayme to their family reunion. They have one every year up in Tucumcari. I love road trips. If I could just spend the rest of my life traveling, I know I would be content. Going to the Current Reunion isn’t exactly where I want to go, but I figure once we get there I’ll just hike off somewhere with Jena. Actually, we plan to go hunting for peyote cactus. Wow, I wonder if we’ll actually find any. I’ve eaten shrooms and that was pretty cool, acid is a bit harsh though still enjoyable, but nothing was ever spiritual. That’s what I want to experience, a spiritual feeling all throughout my body, inside and out.
I almost decided not to go on this little road trip for two very good reasons. First, we will be stopping in Big Springs on the way to pick up Jaren’s mother. It’s not that I have anything against her, we just won’t be able to smoke cigarettes or reefer for about six hours. Number two reason, Jayme’s going. My relationship with her is simple but complicated. She has always been bitter towards me her entire life, and I never knew up until a few years ago. We’re both pleasant to each other in person, and even laugh and talk like real friends, but it’s basically a relationship I don’t need. I do love her though, I know I do.
Land of Enchantment
July 15, 1996
As you can probably imagine, New Mexico was beautiful. I didn’t get to see any mountains, but we were right in the heart of the foothills, which looked like mountains to me. As soon as we crossed the state line, I noticed the instant difference. The climate dropped seven degrees, there was little to no humidity, and the people were friendly! We stopped at a rest stop at about 12:00 a.m. and everyone we saw said “hello.” I already knew I was going to love this place.
Jena and I ended up staying awake the whole night hiking to various places. We were staying at the campsite and would have gone to bed if there had been any. Since we had hiked off earlier (when everyone was going to bed) to smoke a joint, we got screwed out of sleeping arrangements. The situation didn’t really bother us too bad until 5am rolled around. By that time, we were soaking wet (it rained), shivering cold, and beyond tired. We decided it was time to wake up Jaren and tell him to get a hotel room. He did.
We awoke Saturday afternoon at 3pm. After we showered, it was back to the campsite. It took 40 minutes to get there, but the scenery was beautiful every time. This was my first time to see New Mexico in daylight, and the foothills were a great surprise. The big disappointment of the whole trip was that it rained the entire time! It would let up and stop every now and then, but for the most part, we were rained out. The average rainfall in New Mexico is about 7 inches. It rained 4 while we were there! When the rain did manage to stop for a while, Jayme, Jena, and myself managed to steal a chance and hike up a foothill. We took along my camera and got two rolls of breathtaking scenery, I hope (I have yet to develop them), and ended up hanging at the top for quite a while. After we were done with smoking our first doobie of the day, we ventured back down the hill and decided it was time to go swimming. The lake water was from glaciers and I froze my ass off. We ended up staying in the water for only ten minutes.
Jayme and I got along rather well, probably due to the fact that I’m finding it hard to be bitter towards her because of the alarming secret Kirk confided in me. I’m somewhat afraid of even writing it down for fear that Jayme might read my journal again, but she needs to know anyway. Dave’s been cheating on her with a titti dancer for about three months now. I told Jena this secret while we were in New Mexico. She said she pretty much suspected that. I’m hoping maybe Jayme does too.
Backtrack
July 22, 1996
Perhaps I should backtrack a bit and get this journal caught up. First, I’ll start off with the Jena situation. Her birthday came and went and she’s now basically free. She and Joe decided to come back to Humble, and not long after, Jena broke up with him. They’re still friends, but nothing more. On the night of her birthday, Jena ended up having to make a phone call to her mother asking for a favor. This is what really shocked me. When Jena asked her mom to have her taken off the missing children list, Judy simply said okay! We haven’t heard from the bitch since. I guess the freak realized there was nothing else she could really do. Before Jena was able to come back, Jaren and I made numerous trips to New Orleans, leaving sometimes at one or two in the morning. By the time we would finally arrive, Jaren was usually asleep at the wheel! It was fun though, especially going down to Bourbon Street for some daiquiris. Jena was even able to go to Mardi Gras while she was in hiding. I’m so glad she’s finally back. It’s just like old times, but in a way, even better. I’d have to say we’re definitely closer than we were.
About a month ago Jena and I had an experience I thought would never happen. She came over for the weekend while my mom was out of town, for some serious partying. Kirk was selling weed at this time as well as cocaine on the side. Instead of selling the coke, he decided to have some fun with it. For the whole weekend, Kirk, Jena, and myself were totally wired on coke! It was my first time to ever do it and it was quite enjoyable until near the end. By then, all I wanted to do was die. All together, we did about 3 eight-balls and smoked a lot of weed. It was one hell of a weekend. I can remember the experience in a whole, but as far as details go, well, there just aren’t any. The only real event I can remember that happened that weekend was the strange and unexpected occurrence with Jena. How could I ever forget that?
We were sitting in my room talking and passing the bowl back and forth. Kirk had already gone to bed, but Jena and I were still wired. I’m not real sure how we got on the subject of lesbians, but we did and that’s when she popped the question.
“Would you ever consider having sex with a woman?”
I looked at her, stunned, and then replied, “I guess it would depend on who it was.”
“Yeah, me too. I’d probably have to love her,” she said, not a bit nervous at all. “Well, do you want to try it?”
I looked at her, stunned again, and then simply replied, “Sure.”
I felt like a virgin again, not knowing what to do or how to do it. After a bit it became easier and I felt more comfortable with it, though it still felt weird. I think it’s safe to say that Jena was the leader as I continued to follow. We both made it at the same time. Afterwards, we rolled out of bed and rolled up a joint.
“Does what we just did make you feel any different about me or us, in a bad way?”
“No, not at all,” I answered. “It didn’t change anything.”
“Good,” she said. “Me either. Would you ever want to do it again?”
“Probably,” I said. “How about you?”
“Sure,” she answered.
I wouldn’t consider myself lesbian or even bisexual. I don’t even look at women in that way. With Jena, it’s different. I’m not sure how, but I know it is. Maybe it’s just the fact that I love and care for her deeply. In a way, Jena is like my other half, almost like we’re one soul.
Black Gel
July 20, 1996
Kirk and I spent the night over at Dave and Jayme’s place last night. We had a very good reason for doing so. Jena and Joe scored us some acid and where would be a better place to trip than Dave’s house? He and Jayme live way out in the middle of nowhere and just outside of Splendora. Their house is the only house in sight, and everywhere else is a swap. A perfect place!
An hour after we took the acid (in form of black gel), we were tripping pretty hard and saw this bright light coming in through the windows. Thinking nothing of it, I continued to stare blankly at a candle sitting on the table until I heard someone yell, “Shit, that’s a fucking cop!”
“What?” I asked, almost in a whisper.
“Hey Dave, are you okay to talk to the cops, man?”
I looked over at Kirk wondering the same thing, but Dave only laughed. We glued ourselves by the window watching until the enemy was out of sight. After the rush of total panic had subsided, our little party was back in session. The rest of the night was spent outside gazing at the stars. I’m not sure if what we saw was real or just the acid, but it couldn’t have been a star. At the time, we were all four completely convinced that we were actually witnessing a UFO. Now that I look back, there’s a good chance it was Venus.
Instant Karma
July 25, 1996
Today was Kirk’s court date but it ended up being postponed because the officer was on vacation. They were trying to give him two to three days in jail and fifteen months’ probation. His lawyer didn’t let that happen.
A few weeks ago, Kirk had taken my car out for the night (mom’s was in the auto shop because Kirk wrecked it), and got smashing drunk at a bar. He ended up driving home anyway and wrecked my car! We received a phone call at around midnight from one of Kirk’s friends reporting that he was in jail. Mom and I handled the situation quite well until Kirk called, and then the situation worsened. It turned out he had a pound of weed in the trunk broken up into quarter bags, a full bottle of Rohypnols, and an ounce of weed in his pocket. Not to mention smacking into a car from behind going 70mph! In my mind, Kirk was going down, in everyone’s mind actually, especially Kirk’s. By 2pm the next day, Mom had him out on bail. I woke up totally shocked to see Kirk home. Turns out they didn’t find the pound of weed or the roofies. My brother is one lucky bastard. He didn’t even hurt anyone in the wreck either. My car, on the other hand, didn’t survive, so once again, I’m carless.
Verses August 5 - 12, 1996 Aging time holds nothing new, in days of prime, release me. Sit among the stranger souls, I bow my head, erase me. Sea at rest, I follow last, beneath his moon, relax. In all my days never was I free. Now it seems to wreak, such earnest minds turn weak. Too many hours spent alone, forgotten manner of existence. Freeze in the face of a crowd, follow with grace, return my frown.
Nothing Shocking
August 16, 1996
“Conroe man Jeff Wolfe Murdered in Mississippi”
Top story on the five o’clock news yesterday. My first reaction was shock, after that I really couldn’t give a damn. Jeff was one of my old school friends, but for the record, he was a major asshole. Jena had dated him about two years ago and that’s when I really got to know him. He treated Jena like shit of course, even hit her a few times. What’s worse, he once made the comment, “Jena, I wouldn’t have to rape you.” I could go through a whole list of reasons why I hated (and still do) Jeff as much as I did. He raped his brother’s wife and many other girls, stole a $500 check out of my house, killed a number of people, and even had the gall to say that Motley Crue’s version of Helter Skelter was better than The Beatles! Everyone in town hated him. They all wanted him dead. I mean, ever since I knew him he had people after his ass. You can’t screw people over in the drug business as much as he did and live. Weird thing is, his best friend, Tim, is the one who killed him.
Jeff and his girlfriend went up to Mississippi to visit Tim and make a little drug deal. Tim and his friend (the local butcher at a supermarket) tied up both Jeff and his girlfriend and started torturing them. They stabbed them repeatedly and raped Jeff’s girlfriend in front of him. Finally, they killed Jeff and kept his girlfriend as a sex slave. Jeff’s body was dismembered and parts were thrown into a bayou, and others were kept in Tim’s backyard in a box. His girlfriend escaped two days later and went to the police.
The story is disturbing but I’m really not saddened by it at all, though I am sympathetic for his girlfriend. Now everyone seems to be mourning Jeff and crying how much they’re going to miss him. I mean, come on, these people hated him more than I did! Jena even got mad at me for being non-sympathetic and downing Jeff now that he’s dead. The whole scene makes me sick! Color me a non-caring bitch for I refuse to give a rats-ass about Jeff. The situation makes old memories come rushing back to me which is the only way that I’m affected by this. People are being killed for money by friends, dumped into wells and left for dead for no apparent reason. I mean, my God, I went to school with these kids, they were my friends!
Vision
August 8, 1996
I can’t hate anymore. After everything is said and done, I guess I no longer care. Thoughts and ideas get blown way out of proportion causing extreme disappointment not being able to handle. This fatal cycle is over, it’s done with. In the end, we’re back at the beginning with too much lost and nothing gained. When memories can only go so far, something must possess the times in between, something good. We are getting nowhere as there’s not much point to anything anymore. I cannot stay for I know for a fact it can be different. I’ve been there and it is absolutely marvelous!
Return Home
August 25, 1996
Things are never what you expect them to be. I’ve just returned from a one week vacation and I was actually excited about coming home. I absolutely couldn’t wait! Now that I’m here, I realize why I was so excited to leave. Besides the point that I would be going to New Mexico and Arizona, I just wanted, needed to get away. Thanks to my dad, I saw my first mountain and many after. Our destination was the Grand Canyon, but I wouldn’t consider it to be the highlight of the trip, not that it wasn’t beautiful, it’s just that I knew what to expect. What did end up being unexpected was the string of mountains we saw in Texas. I had no idea we had mountains here! Sure, they weren’t as magnificent as mountains in New Mexico or Arizona, but I was still totally impressed.
Big Bend was our last place to visit and the atmosphere made the two-hundred mile out-of-the-way journey worth it. It felt like we were driving into some rainforest. I felt like I was in another country. Since a hurricane was somewhere in the Gulf, the whole sky was covered with black clouds, though it wasn’t raining. We couldn’t see the tips of the mountains for the clouds were so low down. And it wasn’t humid, it was kinda cold and breezy. It just felt great. I guess I don’t hate Texas as much as I thought I did, just Houston and surrounding areas.
Dad and I had a good visit, we got to know each other a little better. It’s hard for us to really get close because we’re both so quiet all the time, we just don’t talk much at all. Our silence was a comfortable one though, we understood each other totally. I really learned how much I’m like him on this road trip, I already miss him. From Albuquerque to Gallop to Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson to El Paso, the scenery was mountains all the way. It took us a little less than a week to get from Houston to the Grand Canyon and back to Austin. We didn’t stay long in one place obviously, but once you’ve seen it, you’ve seen it.
While I was away, I felt myself become homesick. Not so much that I missed Houston, not one bit, I missed Jaren, my mom, Jena, and even my dog Loui. I missed hearing The Beatles and sleeping in my waterbed. Most of all, I think I missed waking up to a morning bowl. My tolerance went way down. At night, after dad went to bed, I was able to toke off my one-hitter a couple of times but that’s it. I hid it from Dad even though he admitted to me he still smokes weed. Now that I’m back home, I miss the mountains. Mom was happy to see me, but Kirk kind of gave me the cold shoulder when I got home. I called Jena, but Joe was over at her house and she sounded as if she could care less that I was back. Mom was glad I was home of course, so was Loui.
Haunted Dreams
September 5, 1996
Last night I had another haunting dream. You know the kind that stays with you the whole day, and because it’s on your mind, you end up dreaming it again the next night. A vicious cycle to say the least. It’s been almost a year since Julie died, and every night she still haunts my dreams. Everything is twisted as dreams usually are, but truth and reality can still be seen and felt. As I have a hard time remembering details of a dream, and an even harder time trying to explain, let me start with the main theme that subconsciously sparked my dream.
To put this in the best way I possibly can, it was a very bad time in our relationship for Julie to die. Actually, we had just recovered from our only fight ever had, but there was still that distance between us. Meanwhile, Jayme (my evil stepsister) was taking advantage of my absence in Julie’s life. If I may backtrack a bit to explore and explain the history of Jayme and I’s destructive relationship. Destructive indeed on my part as Jayme was always the one doing the destructing! We’ve known each other since age seven but were never really that close until ten or eleven. Can you believe we were actually close? And the whole time that creature was stabbing me in the back possessing such hatred I could never begin to fully understand!
She would send me letters all the time signing out with something like, “your favorite sister” or “your number one bud.” Every time we saw each other she was practically by my side the entire time. I was closer to Jayme than I was to Jena, but Jena was far more loyal. Little did I know, as soon as Jayme would go back home to her insane mother, the insults would begin. “I can’t stand that bitch Lindsay,” she would say, and, “She’s always showing off and rubbing things in my face that she knows I don’t have.” Jayme would go on and on about what a complete spoiled bitch I was and the whole fucking family would agree, all except for Jena. She would never agree and even stood up for me by saying it wasn’t true. I will admit that Judy was the main reason for Jayme’s hatred for me. The woman would tell her that Jaren, her dad, loves me and not her. Of course, Judy also told Jena the same thing and she never believed it.
Anyhow, this went on for years and I had no idea whatsoever until Jayme moved up to Houston. We were then attending the same campus, I introduced her to all my friends, and as Jayme always uses her hilarious sense of humor to impress people, she ended up winning all of them over. At about this time I was skipping school every day with Julie, and when Mom found out, I was put in homeschool at my request. Big mistake! Jayme, of course, saw her chance and seized it. At first, I didn’t even see it coming. I was just happy she fit in.
One day while Jayme and I were talking, she made a confession to me about how she used to feel about me. She told me how much she used to hate me but she doesn’t anymore, and I think she even apologized! I wasn’t at all shocked for Jena and Jaren had already informed me about the situation a couple years back, but Jayme didn’t know this. In fact, she had no idea I knew exactly how she felt or feels about me until a year later when she told me in her own words.
Jayme was extremely pissed off at me one night, but as she never could show her true feelings to my face, she wrote a nasty letter “but never intended for me to ever receive it.” I found the letter lying in plain sight on the living room floor. It was folded up into a little square with my name written on the front, so, naturally, I picked it up and read it. Instinct told me what the letter said before I read the first word. It was a “hate” letter basically, full of reasons of why I was such a bitch and how I ruined her life. I’ve never gotten the chance to defend myself or confront Jayme of all the shit she’s said about me, and the hell she’s put me through mentally. It’s always been a silent war. I could probably forgive her for everything if asked, but never for trying to erase me out of Julie’s life.
While Julie and I were pretty much not on speaking terms, Jayme was seeing her every fucking day. We lived in the same apartment complex and I saw Julie’s car over there frequently, but she never dropped by to see me, and that in itself killed me. One day, Jayme called my house to inform me that Julie had asked her to be the bridesmaid at her wedding. Little did Jayme know, Julie had asked me first but I declined out of pure bitterness. I basically informed her that I didn’t give a shit, which was a flat out lie. Can you believe the nerve of that bitch having the gall to call my house just to gloat out of pure vindictiveness? In return, I refused to even go to Julie’s wedding which tore us apart even more.
In the end, Julie wound up calling me wanting to make up, so, we did, and I even agreed to go to the wedding. Well, the wedding, of course, never took place, and just as our relationship was almost back to normal, she was gone. I never got the chance to explain why I was so upset and that it really wasn’t Julie at all, it was myself. Myself and Jayme, that is. Will I ever be able to put this to rest? And to think Jayme isn’t even affected by this, no scar whatsoever. Just the other day, she was telling me that she’s slowly forgetting what Julie looked like, or how she acted, sounded, or how she laughed. I can remember every day, and every night I can relive.
Blind September 10, 1996 I feel you staring through which is what I see in you. Among company we blend invisibly clear with language inevitably familiar to the ear. I cannot stand to be this way as we don’t have much to say. All this time I think and nothing found, perhaps my biggest fear is not a sound. Could I bring myself to vanish what I need even though self-torture takes the lead? In recent time I remember preciously, a golden tongue with golden words who spoke mercifully. After coming all this way, to find me here with nothing left but misery and fear, I wonder deep inside my vicious hold, where wisdom chants the answer I have told.
Nobody Home
September 18, 1996
The past three days have been hell. I’m trying to quit smoking cigarettes and weed, though I don’t know why I decided to do it at the same time. I had five cigarettes yesterday and three today, as for weed, well, I’m almost out and after that I’m not going to buy anymore. For half my life I’ve been smoking cigarettes and I’m finding it hard to breathe these days. Next week, I start working as a temp for some insurance company. Who knows, it might even turn into a permanent job. I sure as hell could use the money and experience. Jaren got me the job. He’s one of the bosses up there. Jayme also works there and I’m going to be mainly helping her out. I already have second thoughts about quitting everything cold turkey. There’s no way I could possibly concentrate on work. Damn, I wish I never started!
Reincarnation
September 23, 1996
Today mom and I went out to eat at the Black-eyed Pea and I saw my old friend, Julie. Funny thing is, she’s been dead for a year now. In fact, it was a year ago today. She was a waitress, can you believe, and looked the same as she always did. A stranger of course, but the resemblance was eerie. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from her, it was like the Twilight Zone. She asked for my order and smiled that same smile, talked the same, walked the same walk. Her height, weight, blonde shoulder length hair, wide-open blue eyes, even that same fucking crooked nose was the same. My expression of disbelief was quite obvious and she read through me like an old friend does, she knew! No words were spoken about it, but I could feel a connection. There is absolutely no way to explain this as a coincidence, or just imagination, this was real, even mom knew it, she saw it! I can never go back there again, the encounter is already driving me insane. For God’s sake, I was just getting on with my life and now my dreams will be haunted for another long year.
Hello Again
November 2, 1996
Ever since I was a little girl I loved to be alone. It didn’t bother me one bit. I sat in my room for hours playing with dolls and having a marvelous time. Years later, I’ve found that I don’t like it anymore, in fact, it’s driving me insane! I’m so fucking sick of being alone all the damn time! For the last month I’ve been out of town meeting all kinds of different people. Finally, I was out in public (my most feared enemy) and towards the end, I found myself being quite sociable. Now that I’m back home things feel worse than before. I know I can be funny, intelligent, charming, intimidating, and liked all at the same time. It was absolutely wonderful. I had forgotten what it felt like to be a part of a group, to be a part of anything, to be a part of life.
I stayed in Kerrville with Gwen for a while (she was watching her mother’s house while she was out of town) and then I ended up going back to Bay City with her. The second night there Gwen and I were offered some shrooms, so of course, we accepted. Afterwards, I wish I’d hadn’t. I think that had to have been the worst trip I’ve ever had. I almost threw up but I had to keep it down because my Aunt Judy was still up, and I’m pretty positive she knew something was up anyway. I’m never taking another hallucinogenic for as long as I live, well, I’d still like to try peyote.
I finally graduated and received my diploma by mail, even went to take graduation pictures. Now, I’m studying for my SAT and hope to start college by next semester. I can’t wait to be in school again. The third Beatles Anthology CD finally came out, and of course, I own it. It really saddens me to think that that was the last CD they will ever put out. Let’s see, what else is there? Oh yeah, Thursday was the best Halloween yet! Me and two of my closest friends decided to get real drunk and just stay at a motel for the night. It was a blast. We drank a bottle of tequila and a bottle of Canadian Club, plus a 12-pack of beer, not to mention weed! We got kicked out of the swimming pool and then ran into some more trouble with room 214. This guy we chatted with in the hall ended up hanging out with us in our room for almost the rest of the night. I was a total bitch to him and it felt damn good. Usually, I never present myself that way, but I was drunk. The guy kept running to the bathroom every 20 minutes and we could hear him vomiting each time. He was a total spaz. We finally had to tell him to just leave. I felt like complete shit the next day.
Today would have been Julie’s 20th birthday. I think I took it quite well. I’m finally beginning to let go all the way, though a big part of me doesn’t want to. The last dream I had about her was a week ago, and she was completely alive. Usually, she’s either alive but only for a period of time and then she has to go back, or she’s alive and planning for her doom day like she’s just going on vacation. This time, there was no sign of death. Her existence was total reality. The next day was hard, but after that, the dwelling seized. I can’t begin to describe how lonely and confused and frightened I feel. Still, there’s that small part of me that can’t wait, you know, what if?
Verses November 3 - 4, 1996 With time as I change alongside the world, remember what was then, I then step back again, and like every time and every time before, the past is the past and nothing much more. Why have I lived for there is nothing I know, and all I have seen through a tinted window, in every page lies a poet in tow, what is the point in re-watching the show? But as I am here for a limited time, nothing but fear is all in the mind, and every word in line after line, has little to no importance I find. In my generation we shall see all from the next anti-Christ to finding life on Mars. I will actually see the end.
Drugs
November 4, 1996
Ever since the beginning of my life the slogan “Say No to Drugs” was forced into my little brain from all angles. They teach you about drugs in school going into full description about what certain drugs do and which ones are mentally addictive, physically addictive, and drugs that are not addictive. What?! Marijuana or any hallucinogenic drug cannot cause addiction. Who the hell are these people? I’ll tell you who they are, people who don’t take drugs, only study them. So then, I ask you, how the fuck would they know? Coming from someone with a little more experience, I seem to find that every single drug there is is addictive, yes, even weed and acid! That’s why I started smoking pot (well, one of the reasons) because I thought it wasn’t addictive. I’ve been smoking that shit daily for two and a half years now.
As life would have it, everyone I used to smoke with and who got me started have all quit now, and I’m next. After this bag, I’m not buying anymore. I know I’ve said that a million times before, but I mean it now. I’ve got to quit before I’m back in school so I can concentrate. That’s one thing about weed, it makes you lazy, unfocused, depressed, unmotivated, and dazed all the time. At first it was great, but that euphoric feeling you get when just starting out goes away and you’re left with only a buzz (kinda stoned) but not high. I’m glad cocaine never fully got a hold of me. I hate that shit more than anything. I’m also proud to say I’ve never done heroin unlike the rest of the world today, for God’s sake, everyone seems to be obsessed with it.
Clone
November 5, 1996
I voted for the first time today. Still undecided even while at the poll, I ended up voting for Clinton. I also went to the college today to talk to a counselor about what steps I need to take. Everything just seems so overwhelming. The only thing I want to do is sleep all the time. I’m just so tired and yet I’m doing absolutely nothing. I don’t even have the mental energy I once possessed. Last night I had a very strong feeling of death and actually feared that my time is nearly up, and now I’ve come to the conclusion that I am dead. Fear killed me a long time ago, but now is the time to live. I will not be afraid forever. It got me nowhere and there’s no need for it. Things that I fear cannot be changed but my way of thinking can, and will. Another problem of mine is self-respect and self-confidence.
For example, my writing is the only thing about myself that I can really feel conceited towards, and the way I’ve been feeling lately, I’m thinking maybe I’m not even all that! I mean, when I read other people’s stuff and compare to mine it sounds just as good as well as better. How can I be singled out from all the rest when what I thought was special, in a class all its own, isn’t anything more than just overrated mumbo jumbo exactly like the rest? Do you see what I’m getting at? I want to be acknowledged, admired, proud, able to connect with people through my work, but then that’s what everyone wants, I think. Maybe that’s not where it’s at, that’s not the distinction between what makes “the chosen one” and what makes you just like all the rest. Maybe I should take up photography.
Revelation
November 5, 1996
I just got back from burying Jena’s cat, Lucky. She was hit by a car. I’m pretty upset about it, but the pain that I know Jena’s going through makes me feel even worse. I’ve been real freaked out here lately, but after this I’m more scared than anything. For the past week I’ve been fearing death or some tragedy, and last night I started thinking about what I would do if I lost Loui, my dog. Maybe it’s all just a coincidence but I have a very strong vibe that it’s not. Right after the tragedy happened, some Jehovah Witnesses came to the door and started asking us if we’ve found Jesus Christ. This is gonna sound stupid, but what if it’s here? In my generation we shall see all from the next anti-Christ to finding life on Mars (which has already occurred). We could see the end.
Homesick
November 29, 1996
Did it ever occur to you that maybe it’s not what you seem to see? In the midst of the crowd, I do not function as easily as you or how you would want me to. Why can’t you understand my position when so many times before you were in my shoes? Instead, it angers you and makes you bitter towards me without even caring about your fellow friend, your blood! As every day goes by, I fight these demons stealing my spirit and hiding the true identity that I am now ashamed of. With constant misery I grow stronger, but strength is not what I need. What I need is assurance, support, and most of all, happiness. There was once a time when I had all of those precious things, and you were at my side to witness.
Gentle Flow It’s in the mind is all I know, This gentle soul reflects a glow From inside me is what you see A gentle glow with even flow And outside you is all we know Like broken glass The image lost, Within this heart We look apart And all we know is gentle flow. From outside you We see right through In every face I see me too, Within my mind I know the truth, Upon this face I see the grace, Like gentle flow we all should know An even flow with gentle glow. And without such word To know in vain, Repeat again in equal pace, For upon your face I see right through Like gentle flow You see me too.
New Year’s End
December 3, 1996
When I look back on the past year all I can really remember is tragedy, then, in one split second after another, each shadow, one by one, passes over. For the first time I finally noticed the change, but it seems as though everyone else missed it, like they didn’t even give a thought. In every relationship I have, the other person is always more involved with their life than mine, naturally of course, but in living life that way, we never actually recognize or appreciate what has been gained, shared, and lost along the way. So many people go in and out of my life, I could probably never name each and every one, even though they left their mark on my life forever, without even knowing, hopefully I have done the same.
With only a month left until 1997 begins, I feel I have come a long way, but yet I’m still struggling in the same place I began. The only big accomplishment I made was graduating and getting ready for college this spring, but that should have been done a year ago! I’m also still living in Houston going to a nearby community college when I had planned to use college as an excuse for leaving Houston! I have yet to get a job, lost my car that I actually paid for myself, and I’m still smoking cigarettes and weed even though I said I would quit, like that means anything. I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore but yet I can’t remember who I used to be. Time sure is a sly bastard! He passed me right by leaving no evidence of his arrival until he arrived again the second round.
Waiting
December 17, 1996
I can’t believe I’m actually starting college next month! I mean, it seems like it was so far away, like it would never happen. Jena will be with me in every class except two, but we will be on campus at the same time which makes things a lot less scary. Here lately, we don’t seem to be as close as we used to, but I’m hoping that once school starts we’ll have a stronger relationship. Joe and I have made peace which is probably a good thing, although I still don’t really trust him. So, once again, this feeling of sudden change washes over me, but this time I’ll be expecting it. Actually, I can’t wait for change to arrive. I just hope that it is a good one.
Land Ho!
December 20, 1996
About five years ago I had life at my fingertips. I was so ready for everything to happen. I was ready for change. Something happened on the way to adulthood and I lost my adventure for life, only fear exists now, fear and depression. Every once in a while I feel that something return to kick me in the butt and urge me to get back to my roots, I love it! For the past two years I’ve been stuck in a major strife and finding myself living in total agony every second of the day, struggling to find the answer. Tragedy after tragedy, I would sink lower and lower into the depths of depression and closer and closer to the bottom, and then suddenly…smack! With only one page left of this journal, I finally find the answer. Go back to the beginning.
Seasons
December 21, 1996
Almost every night I find myself dreaming about New Mexico. I’ve just got to move there! I’m thinking maybe when I transfer to a university it can be in New Mexico. It’s a long shot but it has got to happen. One of the reasons I’m sick all the time is because of the weather. All the humidity mixed with pollution, plus my terrible allergies, I never feel one-hundred percent well. We never have seasons here, just cold fronts and hot weather. For some reason that bothers me more than anything else about this place. I want seasons! It’s like the weather controls my life, no end, no beginning, just one long continuous stream of uncertain but non-changing days. If the weather won’t change, I suppose I will.
December 28, 1996 And here I am as I was before, suffocated with guilt and shame for never do I learn from mistakes. Friends have become strangers as I too have become a stranger to myself. And in the end like it’s always been, I hunger for the past.
The Apple and the birdcage 