It is my time to live…

Circle
January 1, 1997

The answer lies within my friend, 
within my head I’ve been misled, 
into this dream I shall be seen, 
I shall be seen in mystic gleam, 
and all is well with me tonight, 
for sudden fright is now delight, 
and all is fake as I’m to take 
this burning at the stake.

The truth is blind in every eye, 
where mountains reach 
the highest sky, 
truth is blind when love is weak, 
run to hide too high to seek. 
Forever surely seems too long, 
eternity shall sing my song, 
for every day we’re still alone, 
in every way we live to own.
Verses
January 1997

In silence I send to you what was needed from years ago. Accept me as I have done for creation will slip away.

Was today the day that I would see another time that used to be? Will tomorrow become the past today if sun is moon and moon is ray?

A laugh I hear in hidden space, with rhythm and rhyme it echoes. A cry is left it total disgrace, with measure and time it bellows.

The Grudge

January 1, 1997

Here I am back in Big Springs after I promised myself never to come back, and I now remember why. We’re staying here for a week. Luckily, we will be leaving in two days. The only reason I came is because after we leave here it’s off to New Mexico! I’d do anything for New Mexico, obviously. Naidene has been giving me shit, but not as bad as the last time I was here.

About five years ago when I was up here with Jena and Jaren, Naidene (Jaren’s sister) jumped all over me for disrespecting her grandchildren. In all actuality, I did nothing of the kind except repeat what Jaren had been saying. Her grandsons wanted to spend the night but we had to get up early and they would have kept us awake all night. Jaren told Naidene that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea, but when I said something about it, Naidene freaked out. She started calling me a spoiled brat and just bitched about me, but not to my face, she said it loud enough for me to hear while speaking, no, yelling to Jaren. When she saw that I could hear, she shut the screen door just as I was about to walk out there and confront her!

Instead, I ran outside in tears down the sidewalk. Jena followed me, and by the time she caught up, Naidene was already in her car coming after me as well. She started apologizing to me right away, but it was far from being sincere. “I’m sorry for what I said, and I know you don’t have a very close relationship with your dad, but you just need to butt out of our family.” She was saying this while hugging me, and, needless to say, I pushed her away! After that little incident, Naidene hasn’t been my favorite person in the world. Talk about making one feel unwelcomed into the step-family. I can’t wait till Friday.

Mr. Sandman

January 1, 1997

Finally made it to New Mexico! We are staying in Ruidoso at the Enchanted Inn. I was able to see Cloudcroft again, and since it’s winter time, we were actually able to see snow! It was beautiful. I took a lot of pictures and I can’t wait to take more tomorrow. I haven’t even seen the mountains here yet! Aaron just showed up. We had already given up on him and as soon as we did, the phone rings. He and Jena went to the store to buy some smokes and I’m just sitting here conversing with Jaren drinking Boones Strawberry Hill. I got to know Aaron pretty well while I was in Big Springs this time. We’re buds now. Man, if Jena wasn’t dating him I’d have to make the move, that guy is the best-looking guy I’ve ever seen, besides movie stars and such. The last time I hung out with him he kind of got on my nerves, but he’s changed a lot since then.

Man, I’m tired. I took two tabs last night and they kicked me in the butt! I ended up vomiting about five times and didn’t get to sleep until five or so, then I had to wake up at nine. I can still feel those tabs today. I’m still drowsy! The last time I was in New Mexico, I stayed up all night, and I’ll most likely end up doing it again this time. Actually, I just now stood up and it about killed me. Maybe I will get some sleep tonight. I think we’re heading back to Houston tomorrow so I have to get as much of New Mexico as possible, but there is not much you can do in a hotel room. Well, Jaren just left for the Casino and now I’m all alone. Jena and Aaron better get back soon or else I’m going to be asleep in no time. Damn that bed looks nice! How inviting! I must fight the urge. Tonight is all I have. Maybe I’ll just go put on my pajamas.

My Calling

January 4, 1997

Ended up staying here for one more day. We decided to switch hotel rooms and now we are staying at the Inn of the Mountain Gods. Man, it’s beautiful here! Our room has the best view! It’s owned by the Apache Indians on a reservation set deep in the mountains and has the perfect view of the snowcaps. In fact, Jena, Aaron, and I just got back from driving to the top of the Apache Snow Cap Mountains. For some reason, I was not expecting the journey to be so nerve-wracking. I mean, shit, I thought we were going to die! Jena just got her license, and she was driving. She did a good job but I was still freakin’ pretty hard. We were halfway up the mountain when we realized that after five o’clock it became a one way down the mountain! What an adrenaline rush, especially when ya looked down, and no guard rails, just cars on one side and slush on the other. We prayed the whole way up and finally were able to get out, take pictures, and get back down the mountain before the snowstorm arrived.

I love this place. I want to go snow skiing so bad! Man, that would be a rush. Who needs drugs doing that all the time? What I would do to live here! How can I possibly go back to Houston after seeing the sights I saw today? It just makes the urge all the more stronger. As I was driving through town today I saw that they have a university. I would love to go to school up here! New Mexico is wonderful! I can feel the mountains calling me. If I lived up here I know my writing would improve. How could it not? Everything is just so inspiring! Jaren keeps telling me that in a past life I must have lived somewhere in the mountains because I just seem so relaxed up here. He can even tell that I feel as if I am home. Why would anyone want to live anywhere else? I’d never get tired of the scenery. I could understand it.

Verses
January 5, 1997

I must see what I now know, to ignore would never come about. If I leave to save a life, could it be possible to vanish another? Never shall I go back after striving all this time.

Today we came to be free in no other way from times of before. Here I am in total absent shield, accept what I never cared for.

Together is never true. Believe what you think to know inside. Always listen. What you see is fake as well as what you hear. Learn from the past. We are always alone but loneliness doesn’t have to be. I love to love myself.

Back from the Clouds

January 6, 1997

Unfortunately, we made it back into Houston at around five o’clock this morning. As we pulled up into my driveway, I noticed that Melissa’s car (Kirk’s girlfriend) was parked by the house, and for some reason, everything just came flying back to me. All the pain, sadness, loneliness, and misery that I had totally forgotten about wasted no time reminding me. I ended up crying a bit today because I was just so unhappy about being back. Never once did I get homesick while I was gone, but after I got back, I missed the mountains more than anything.

Yesterday morning when I woke up, I went to the hotel window, peered out, and saw a blanket of white covering the land. The last time I saw snow was when I was about six, and when I saw it again, I felt like I was reliving that age. Jena, Aaron, and I had a killer snowball fight, and I built a miniature snowman. We had to leave early that morning before we got snowed in. Man, I wanted a blizzard to hit us so bad. I hated to leave.

On the way home we were discussing the possibility of moving up there as soon as possible, but Jaren’s job and mine and Jena’s school is a big interference. I start classes in a week, and unless I’m able to register in a college in New Mexico before it’s too late, it looks like I’ll be in Houston for six more months. Jaren even said that Jena and I could go ahead and move up there, but I can’t afford to go one more semester without being in school. I have to be in college before I’m twenty, which is just five months away. The thing that scares me the most is the chance that I could lose the dream, you know? I mean, I know that after I’m here for a while the mountains will fade away and I’ll get so wrapped up in shit that the move will never happen. That’s why I have to get my pictures developed tomorrow! Every time it starts to fade, I can just pull them out and remind myself. I can dream.

High Hopes

January 8, 1997

Lost my fucking purse! The only thing of real importance in it was my license and the Chevron card, but I already have that cancelled. Jena and I found out that we could register at a community college in Albuquerque until the seventeenth of January. We’re still actually thinking about moving up there in like a week! I wonder if we can actually pull this off. The hard part is breaking the news to Mom. By tomorrow we will need the decision to be made. Time is not on our side, neither is money.

I’m thinking about calling Granny. She’s at the farm just sitting on all that cash! Only problem is, I think she’s pissed at me. I didn’t even get a Christmas card from her this year. She usually sends me a card with $100 in it every year. When she found out that I was in homeschool and not public, she took it as a lie and has been holding a big grudge ever since. So, for Christmas Mom sent her a card with my graduation picture inside! Ha! Anyway, I won’t end up calling her unless I’m pathetically desperate. I don’t need that woman.

Man, I wish Melissa would go home. She’s pissing me off. I think she knows I have a problem with her, but shit, everybody else does too! I even gave her a chance! Another reason why I want to leave this place so bad is to get away from Kirk. I feel guilty just writing that down but it’s true. He drives me insane. I can’t take it anymore. I do love him but I just can’t handle him sometimes. Bastard better not read this! If I do leave it will kill Mom, I know that. It’s sooo hard to leave her. It will kill me too.

To Go or Not To Go

January 12, 1997

We’re still not sure if we are going to New Mexico. School starts tomorrow but the weather is real bad with ice and such, so it might end up being cancelled. I certainly hope so! Tomorrow, Jena and I have to call the school in New Mexico at 8am to find out some more info. After we do that, we should know if we’re going to Albuquerque or not. When I broke the news to Mom she didn’t take it as hard as I thought she would. She still took it pretty hard though. Dad told me he would want to do the same thing at my age. I didn’t have to call Granny for money. In my eyes, she’s not my grandmother anymore! Man, I hope this thing with New Mexico happens. Truthfully, I’m pretty scared about it all. I mean, it’s such a huge step. What happens if I drown in it?

Verse

Nothing must stand in the way, this is what I’ve always wanted. Not fear, nor love, loneliness or even time!

Blackout

January 13, 1997

Well, it doesn’t look like we will be going to New Mexico, but before next semester begins I’m outta here. It’s only four months. I’m just afraid that something will come up and we won’t be able to go then either. Our electricity has been out for twenty-four hours now. Man, I’m freezing! This is probably the worst ice storm Houston has had in a long time. School was cancelled today and tomorrow, thank goodness. I can’t even take a shower, not a hot one anyway. Kirk has court tomorrow and he might end up going to jail. One thing after another. Oh yeah, I did find my purse.

School Daze

January 26, 1997

When I bought this journal I tried to make it a point to write in it every day, if not that at least once a week. Oh well, guess once a month isn’t too bad. I’ve started my classes and so far it’s been a breeze, all except for speech. Not that speech is a hard class, but standing up in front of the class giving presentations is not a task I handle lightly. So far, I’ve only had to do it once, but many more times shall follow. All we had to do was give a two minute reading of some kind of literature which didn’t seem too bad at first, until the time came for me to present. Man, I had a panic attack. I couldn’t walk, talk, or even see straight. I swear I almost passed out. My instructor said I have a very strong voice, and when I told him how nervous I was afterwards, he said he couldn’t even tell! Maybe I should become an actress!

I ended up dropping photography because it was too damn expensive. I have yet to make any friends, but that’s okay because after this semester I’m outta here. New Mexico has not been forgotten, just delayed. Jena and I stick together on campus. We have three classes together and our breaks are at the same time. All in all, college is not what I expected it to be, but I’m sure a university would be a lot different. At least I have something to do now! The worst thing about this whole school thing is the damn memories. Lately, Julie has been the only thing I can think about. Being in school brought everything back, from our early days in junior high to the time of her tragic death. As it is, I usually just remember the good times, which, in the long run, causes much more pain. Shit, I just heard a gunshot go off outside. 12:00 a.m.

Verses
February 6, 1997

In another world I was as free as free could be. In this other time I was as young as young could be. In a different life I was as me as me could be. 

Remember me in unknown centuries to come, for I was the forgotten genius as a mortal. 

He had the insanity of a crazed man with way too much insight, and he shared it with the rest of the world, they still couldn’t hear. 

And still as night creeps in and dreams are clear; she lingers with the grace of an animal. 
Verses
February 7 - 8, 1997

Blood is as thick as you make it; we are bonded by nothing my faded brother.

This is a prayer for you my stranger friend, I love what you had to give. Sadly I relate to a tragic end, for it could have been me as much as anyone; it could have been me but it had to be you. 
(Verse for River)

I have only just begun to see what I believe, for it has always been since the beginning of my time and I know no other way. 

Lazy daze is in my head forever and after the end. 
Verses
February 17, 1997

It is my disposition in society that not only attributes myself to being an outsider, but is also the reason for my insight.

I am still not satisfied. The forced behavior, false awareness, wasted education, what has it got to do with life and me?

Beads

February 23, 1997

Well, like I said, an entry a month isn’t bad. I am such a slacker. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t had anything to write about! I finally made it to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Jaren and Gwen went with me. We stayed drunk the whole time. It was a blast. Bourbon Street was so crowded it was like being in a mosh pit. We missed the parades so it looked as though the only way we were going to get beads was to “show our shit.” Luckily, on our way to the Quarters, we had to stop at a convenient store to use the bathroom. While I was waiting for Gwen to finish, I started talking to this guy that was waiting for the men’s room. I told him that one of the main reasons we were going to Mardi Gras was to get some beads, and that’s when he informed me that the parades are where you get beads. I told him we were leaving the next day and wouldn’t get a chance to see the parades. He took the beads that were around his neck and handed them to me, then he told me to follow him out to the truck and handed Gwen and I two handfuls of beads. No strings attached, nothing weird, just an act of pure generosity. If it wasn’t for him, I would have gone home empty-handed and very disappointed.

That was the best experience we encountered. The worst was when we returned to the car after a night of walking around the French Quarters fighting the crowds, and found that our tire had been slashed! Can you believe that shit?! At three in the morning, we were left changing a damn flat in the middle of New Orleans. Why does shit like that always happen to me and my friends?

Lost

February 23, 1997

I went to the John Lennon art exhibit yesterday. There was such a variety of people there. Young, old, black, white, it was beautiful. I wasn’t able to buy anything except for a shirt, but that’s enough for me. School is going okay, but truthfully, it is not where I want to be. I have to give another reading in speech Tuesday, and, like always, I am dreading it. I just don’t know what to do. I am so confused. I thought going to college would give me some direction, but it hasn’t. It only made me more confused. All I want to do is write and make a living while doing it. Poetry Today sent me a letter asking me to do a radio talk show in New York, but it will cost me one-hundred and forty-five dollars. I don’t have that kind of money. Hell, I don’t have any money!

Verses
February 23 -24, 1997

We do not change; we only pretend to be what isn’t real. I would love to share what I know, but it is mine to enjoy alone. 

I know that depression is to come. In the near future my demon will be faced and conquered. I hope that life will be worth it. I hope that I will be worth it.

For myself, it is not as easy as portrayed, so I shall keep this mountain in silence. 

I have become stuck so deep inside myself that I’ve forgotten how to exist as a citizen of the human race. 
Tribute to Death: 
Remember Time
February 24, 1997

I will remember as no one else can, 
remember the dead 
who shall live. 
In far away dreams 
heaven is near, 
my heaven who has not a soul. 
Frozen time is all around, 
time is never fast 
as time is never slow, 
a month in a year is all we know. 
Time is always fast 
as time is always slow, 
in minute after hour we will go. 
She hands me my youth 
again and again, 
as he turns me on 
with a look all his own. 

Remember time with a smile, 
to forget will surely kill. 
I will remember time with a tear, 
is life really all we have here? 
Remember time by the hour, 
in a second 
we have come to a year.
Verses
February 25 - 26, 1997

And before I heard, I knew. Not in an instant, but rather in a second the words flashed into my head. I could swear I knew before I even realized I knew. 

Have the faces changed, the looks transformed, eyes judging in a different manner? Could I just see now what has always existed? 

Instant reaction is delayed. Windows to a soul are closed. Nothing makes sense anymore. 

It was all in good fun, a smile here, a laugh there; happiness was felt but still remained ignored. 
Verses

Life has remained in limbo for much too long. Another day is how I live, like an ignorant human I believe the promise of tomorrow.
February 29, 1997

I now know what I must do, to accomplish the impossible, a task so many times avoided. Yes, once again I give in. 
March 1, 1997

She finds me when I stand to sit alone, like a shadow who will walk beside and behind. 
March 14, 1997

Who does not know me as I know me, as I think, hear and feel, as I dread, hurt and heal? Is it company, in and among company that renders you into a state of total oblivion? What does it mean anyway, and if even at all, why should it matter to me? 
March 14, 1997
Verses
March 14 - 15, 1997

In the past it was all about life and how to go about living it. Now, it is all about me and how I’m going to live with it. 

I’m not saying it’s how I was brought up, though it could have something to do with my mental anguish. Blame is not the issue in this case. As it most likely seems to you that I am a zombie with no personality and no opinions on any aspect of life, the opposite ironically stands to be true. What you seem to not understand is what you yourself actually deals with every second of your own life as well. It isn’t as easy as you fake it to be. To have a total different view of self-concept but yet still suffer in the same way, we mimic each other.

Anything but Humble

March 16, 1997

Tomorrow I have to go back to school for the second semester. Spring break went by too damn fast. I spent the week in Big Springs with Jena and Jayme. We drove up there by ourselves, a nine hour drive all by our lonesome. It was great. Aaron was happy we came down even though it didn’t really show at first. He’s going through a lot of shit right now. His dad is dying from cancer, his mom is dying from emphysema, and it is his responsibility to take care of them both. Shit, the guy is only seventeen and he’s already about to lose both his parents. Jena and I found out that the whole time we were in Ruidoso, Aaron was shooting up cocaine in the bathroom. I can’t believe we couldn’t even tell. I had absolutely no idea! He says he isn’t doing it anymore, but he would most likely say that anyway. I hope he gets out of Big Springs soon.

Jena’s grandmother had to go to the hospital while we were there. She scared the hell out of us. We all thought she was going to die. Man, I really don’t want to get old, but dying young doesn’t sound very inviting either. We had to go up to the hospital every day to see her, and let me tell ya, it wasn’t the highlight of my vacation. In fact, there isn’t a highlight for my vacation. I was just happy to be out of Houston, well, actually Humble (with no H), but in about two years it will be Houston. I don’t plan on being here to find out I’ll tell ya that.

Mysterious Man

March 17, 1997

Yesterday on the way to pick up Jena for school I saw the same familiar man I have seen two other times in my life, once when I was eight and again when I was twelve. Each time I saw him in a different place, but yet it was still the same. 1960 runs on forever for all I know but that is where I see him, walking down 1960. He carries a huge wooden cross on his back with a wheel attached to the bottom of it. I’ve always wanted to go talk to him but I can never get up enough nerve to do so. I want to know why he does that, and how long he plans on doing it. Instead of talking to him I just drove by and held up a peace sign. He probably thinks I flipped him off.

Joker

March 25, 1997

Simply fantasy. Simply fiction. Simply fascinating. In such a monotone way I speak, with eyes looking every direction but forward. Fools to him – every single one! To read, to see, to hear is what they lack. A grin from cheek to cheek, like the Cheshire cat, appear then disappear. One shoe on, one shoe off, hunched over in hysterics laughing at you with a pathetic smirk revealing satisfaction. He watches me I fear. Fast asleep with only the mechanical wind for a lullaby, he hovers above me snickering at my foolish state of vulnerability, laughing, mimicking. Simply dreadful. Simply deceitful. Simply devastating. He listens with precise sharpness of understanding and apathy that I believe, I follow. Simply a joker is all I find. Simply a liar of his own kind, but just how simply joyful was the simple joker?

Verses
March 26, 1997

Words do nothing for me now. How can I express myself in a way that they will understand, that they will listen and hear what I am feeling?

Wasting Time

March 30, 1997

At first the question was why, then what, now it is how? After days, months, years of mental anguish eating at me every living second of my life, I still have yet to overcome. The good thing is that I am not suffering from depression (as much) anymore, now it is total confusion. What I do know is to try and lose myself in every way possible. When the chance comes to make a connection with another soul, I find myself buried so deep in my paranoid thoughts of ludicrous character guessing techniques that I miss the opportunity. I listened to that statement more closely than you had anticipated, what was it?

You told me in so many words that I hated all people, that I disliked everyone I came in contact with. Is this really the way you perceive me to be? After all this time could it be you never understood who I was, who I am? Could I actually be that misleading in my ways? Being around you while you are alone with me I realize how different we are when congregating with others. I too am guilty of putting on an act in certain company. While we judge the world and accuse our race of false behavior, we forget to acknowledge our own convictions. Hypocrisy is my most hated trait in a human being, but as I have come to find out, we are all guilty of it. What the difference is explains the situation clearly. I can admit to my fault as you will deny what obviously exists. Where did we go wrong in communication? How do we overcome what has placed itself between us? Can we ever listen? So I finally came to the conclusion that if I wasn’t going through this major catastrophe, it would be something else.

Verses
March 30 - 31, 1997

I can tell by the look in your eye that I will not be who you expect me to be. It is most likely my doings that will lead you to this conclusion, but then again, I have absolutely no insight into your ways of thinking. In a group of friends I appear to be the stranger despite the many times we have graced each other in the past. Friendship is a long process. 

It is my time to live.

Role Playing

April 3, 1997

By the time you reach me I will be so far into imagination that my existence will soon be forgotten. Inspire in me what I need to become successful in life. As I write I feel myself disappear at the same time. Where we laugh at ourselves for being who we are, talk to the invisible man who we love, and become intimate with the only person we know is where we shall find our true self. This face that you see is not really me, nor has it ever been. An illusion is created by every living soul we meet causing the false image to be perceived as true. With my eyes I can see through your eyes and in that split second the illusion is destroyed leaving me with a clear path to follow. In most cases, I choose not to.

Slowly, I become aware of what it means to sacrifice my peace of mind in order to advance. As we cannot love without hate, or live without dying, it is impossible for us to be a consistent human being without mimicking another. The solution is almost here, but what else will take the place of this strife? Today I feel trendy and actually fit in where I was an outcast before. In that same day I will become outdated, anti-social, over-popular, and mysteriously quiet. All of these different faces belong to me and I can’t really say which one I would prefer to be always. So in the midst of a crowd within myself how can I really tell who the true “me” is? All in all nobody is who they claim to be. Each and every one of us is guilty of role playing.

Uninspired

April 4, 1997

We are still planning on moving out of Texas this summer, but it doesn’t look like we will be going to New Mexico. Jaren found out that New Mexico had to pay state taxes or something, so he thinks Nevada is the place to go now. That is fine with me! Just so long as Nevada has mountains, I don’t mind a bit.

It’s been the same old shit for the past week. Oh yeah, I went to Astroworld last weekend, only got to ride three rides.

In one more month this semester will be over and I will be done with North Harris Community College forever. The next four weeks are going to be hell. I feel so bored all the time now. Even in class I am extremely bored.

What If?

April 5, 1997

I saw comet Hale-Bopp tonight. It had been said that some kind of intelligent lifeform was following the comet towards earth. Radioactive waves from the spacecraft were being sent to us, and the only thing we could decode was that the message was good. It was all a hoax of course, but at first I actually believed it.

Today
April 7, 1997

In some other time on some other day, I could imagine what I may stand to face, but not on a day like today. Now and again, I look to see what has to be, I know, but never on a day like today. Kill me on this day of today. Familiar eyes confide without a word, like once upon a time, the knees knew before.

Obsessed

April 9, 1997

Mom was finally able to put the Grand Am in the shop and I now have a car! Woohoo! I’ve been out all day running errands with Jena. We got out of class at around 12pm but I didn’t get home until 4pm. Man, what a stressful day it has been. On top of dealing with Houston traffic, I had to go over to Richard’s house so Jena could get Shawn’s signature for her car title. I decided to stay in the car while she ran in to get it because I didn’t want to run in to Eric. I watched Jena walk up to the door, knock, and of course, Eric answers. I look away for a second, glance back over there, and he’s staring directly at me while saying something to Jena. Then, they both start walking over to the car. I turn around again, and in a minute’s time, the door on my side opens and there he is, standing right in front of me. He looked the same, wavy dark hair kept kinda long, deep eyes, a boyish smile, and perfectly straight white teeth.

“Hey, what are you doing in the driver’s seat,” he says. “You can’t drive.”

“Yes I can,” I giggled.

“No, you can’t,” he smiled.

He’s standing right by the door in a position that one would be in when about to get in the backseat, so I ask him,

“Are you getting in or something?”

“No, I’m just getting a cigarette,” he says.

That was it. He says “bye” and goes back inside. No big deal, right? Well, to a normal person maybe, but not me. I analyzed the whole “seeing Eric” episode over and over again in my head. Why did he come over to talk to me, when, in all actuality, I wasn’t even completely sure if he knew what my name was. His girlfriend was inside on the couch (Jena informed me), and I’m pretty sure he had just snorted some coke.

Verses
April 13, 1997

This has occurred before. Whether in a dream or in reality, I have lived through this event in the past.

April 13, 1997

I would like to think that what I fear to be true is just mere paranoia haunting me again. Any and all attention was directed towards you leaving me somewhere between loneliness and non-existent. The first to live, love, lie, I could never compete with someone who has already won first place. Even if I devoted my entire life to serving you, denying her, and giving me, I would still be nowhere close to gaining my voice. Know, family, that I am not selfish, greedy, or spoiled when I try to tell you how I feel. If you could faithfully understand my position, I would begin to explain my complaint, but as it is, my coming was too late.

Mask

April 14, 1997

Numerous attacks, violent behavior, hateful words, it is no wonder I despise you as much as I do. Just once, I would love to be able to punch a hole in the wall out of pure anger, or kick in a door simply because I didn’t get my way. What is stopping me? Only a fool acts in such a manner, a childish fool. For your age to be older than my own, it is somewhat ridiculous that my maturity level is miles higher than your own. I have always stood in the shadows observing the surrounding behavior that should have had an influence on me, and in some ways it did. I know how not to act.

Still, with all of this wisdom I possess because of misfortune and misery, I believe myself to be the most bitter person alive. Year after year going unnoticed, constantly forcing myself to understand, to forgive and forget, I withheld everything until I could no longer stand it. Just as I had expected, my letting go only made matters worse. How surprising to you to find out that I am not what you thought I was. It was all an act, I fooled everyone with my friendly smile, my non-selfish ways, my helpful and encouraging words. It was a mask. I am a mask. Why can’t you let me be myself?

Having Fun
April 15, 1997

September breeze, rain, shine, leaves, wine, shrine, trees, bees, seize, time, sign, lime, seeds, fleas…return.

Once on a dreary clear night, there lived the most dreadful of sight, and though he would try with all might, this sight was still a cruel fright. When in the ray of the lights, I felt the deepest of heights, ask you I where are my rights, a smile was the sight of all sights.

Today I was sure of my goodness. In each pair of eyes, I could have been judged, criticized, and hated, but my state of mind would not let me care.

Waiting

May 7, 1997

I have one more exam left which will be taken tomorrow, and then I am done with my first semester of college. As painful as it was, I survived my speech class, and towards the end, it was kind of fun. Hopefully I passed everything. In a couple of days, I will be on my way to paradise. Jaren has some business to do in California, Arizona, and Nevada, and of course, Jena and I are going with! I have learned through my disappointments in life that whenever something seems too good to be true, it most likely is.

So, I was just waiting for the trip to get called off or something to happen, and then it did. Jena’s brother might be going with us. At first, I actually considered not going because of this fact, but to hell with that! I’m not passing up a lifetime dream just because of him, I mean, come on, California! On May 25, Ringo Starr will be in Astroworld and I’m going to miss the concert because of this trip. It’s a hard sacrifice to make, but I gotta do it.

May 9, 1997

I’m done with my first semester of college. Hopefully, I passed everything. I won’t know for sure until like two weeks, but I think I did. Man, I went to sleep last night at 9:30 and woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon. I haven’t slept that long for a while. I had some weird dreams too. They were wild. I’ve always wanted to keep a journal of my dreams, but when I go to write, I can never figure out how to word them.

We are leaving for the trip in four days. I’m beyond ready to go. It doesn’t take very long for me to get bored of the same old thing, you know? I hate repetition, unless it’s poetry. I still don’t know if Jaren Douglas is coming. What a disappointment it will be if he does.

May 10, 1997

The more I think the less I know. Conscious awareness is the worst possible trap to fall into. Every moment made, word spoken, and glance that connects to an eye is fake. Paranoia, nervousness, panic attacks, it’s a death sentence, and just like the will to live, it becomes second nature.

Timeless Trivia

May 12, 1997

Tonight I sit here alone in the same manner as I do every night. With my legs crossed, hunched over on the floor with a pen in hand waiting for a verse or two, I search my world for meaning to this timely routine. Words with rhythm but no rhyme, rhyme but no rhythm, it becomes so technical my spirit retreats along with my creativity. What was it that gave me the will to succeed, the will to survive and to fight for what I believe in?

In recent days I cannot seem to get it together in terms of social affairs and personal affairs, which in all actuality, is what life is mainly about. Friends and family keep us in tune with reality no matter how far gone we appear to be, they will not let us fade. Personal thoughts, feelings, secrets and attachments are only a few of the self-contained variables that we live with each day wondering if they are morally correct, or psychologically sane. How then am I supposed to get by with such a long list of untold confessions that not even a piece of lined paper will behold?

Gradual Me
May 15, 1997

Gradual can’t you see that it’s me? 
I’ve fallen behind in time. 
Personal pain 
has taken my sane, 
you ask me how, 
no, I’m just fine. 
Reflection denied 
from my very own eye, 
it seems I have let me go. 
Creation is weak, 
I care not to speak 
for words will refuse to flow.

Gradual me from a beauty in sight, 
a face now unworthy of light. 
Gradual me to redeem not again, 
it’s lonely where I have been. 
Too lonely here where I’ve been.

Gradual find me 
in space still unknown 
where vanity lives in the head, 
as if in a dream 
by chance it will seem 
that I am already dead. 
Like an alien being 
or an outcast in sin, 
I hide and I take it within. 
Look at me now 
in my days of somehow
I’ve turned into fear 
I am dim.

California Tree

May 1997

Your eyes frighten me but I can’t look away for my insecurity would show through. I face the north, dream of west, ignore east, and call south home. Curious stares I perceive as hatred to be something near like judging plates that have absolutely no significance. This tree is naked with pink skin smooth where hair used to be and slightly wrinkled where her arms extend outward. Almost human among the presence of others looking to be her kind, but she is different, she is an outsider.

Summer Vacation

Day One

May 16, 1997 (2:00 a.m.)

On our way to Big Springs tonight we came upon a severe accident that must have occurred only minutes before our arrival at the scene. Every kind of emergency vehicle was present except for an ambulance. There was even a hearse parked to the side. A car had been hit by an 18-wheeler, probably a head-on collision. Cops were searching for something in the grass, shining their flashlights frantically in all directions as if the bodies had yet to be retrieved.

We hit Big Springs at around 12 midnight, and after we dropped off our stuff and said hello to everyone, Jena and I decided to make a run over to Whataburger. On our way there, we passed the same damn hearse we saw at the accident. Weird coincidence don’t you think?

Day Two

May 17, 1997 (12:30 a.m.)

We’re leaving for Phoenix, Arizona tomorrow morning, thank goodness. I have been here for only one day, but it seems like a yearlong week. This is one of the shittiest trips I have ever had in Big Springs. Aaron was being distant and even had the nerve to stand Jena up! Who the hell does he think he is? We ended up driving around town with Naidene’s grandsons all night. Two of them kept on sticking their heads out the windows yelling at the top of their lungs, “Hey! Anybody want any weed? We have weed!” First of all, the little shits don’t have any weed. Secondly, little did they know, I do have weed, and these little punks were about to get me busted. What’s really annoying is the fact that the only reason they were doing it was to look cool.

Day Three

May 18, 1997 (2:00 a.m.)

We’re staying in Albuquerque tonight. Jena and I got drunk in the hotel room while Jaren went to some casino. We played cards the whole time until we decided to go to bed. I don’t remember how we got on the subject, but we started reminiscing about the days when we used to play our favorite childhood game. In fact, we even talked about trying to play it again. It’s been about five years since the last time we did. We were well into our teenage years when we still played it. Every time we were together, we went into this other world, turned ourselves into completely different people and had a ball. Our characters were male and female. We had couples and everything. We even acted out the couple scenes if you know what I mean! I don’t know if we could get into it now because everything is so restricted, but I think Jena was trying to tell me something again. She started to say something and then she stopped in mid-sentence claiming that what she was about to say was too embarrassing. I tried to get it out of her but she just would not say it.

Day Four

May 19, 1997 (2:00 a.m.)

Flagstaff sure is beautiful. Jaren even said that we might end up moving here. Woohoo! Tomorrow we are on our way to L.A., California, after we stop in Phoenix for some business meeting Jaren has to go to.

Day Five

May 20, 1997 (2:00 a.m.)

Well, here we are in L.A. It’s dark so I can’t really tell what it looks like, but so far, it doesn’t seem any different from Houston. Wow, Houston seems like such a foreign word to me now. I feel like such a total outsider here. I’m actually somewhat homesick.

Day Six

May 21, 1997 (1:30 a.m.)

To be honest, my first impression of L.A. was a negative one. I didn’t see what the big deal was. I mean, I’ve seen much prettier sights in New Mexico and Arizona, but tonight I’m singing a different tune. Jena and I went cruising all over L.A. tonight looking for Burbank, Hollywood, and Sunset Blvd. We hit Burbank first, and when we had stopped for a red light, this antique Cadillac pulled up beside us. I looked over and thought to myself, “Hey, that looks like Sara Gilbert from Rosanne,” but at first I kind of blew it off, you know, everybody thinks they’re going to see a celebrity in that area. They pulled in front of us, and when I told Jena who she looked like, it just clicked. She’s riding in the backseat of a classic Caddy with some guy driving and nobody else up front, who else could it be? I mean, I saw her face, I’m sure it was her.

After Burbank we made our way into Hollywood and drove down Sunset Blvd. until we hit the Strip. The Viper Room was somewhat hidden on the corner, but I still managed to spot it.

“There’s the Viper Room!” I shouted out.

“Where? Where? I don’t see it!”

Jena was looking around frantically, but since she was driving it was a little hard for her to see everything. We circled back around and drove by the front of it both claiming to have seen Johnny Depp. Two more times around the Viper Room and then we found ourselves in Beverly Hills. We would have gone back by the Viper Room again but we got lost somewhere along the way. We are going back tomorrow so we can see everything in the daytime. I want to see if there is still writing on the walls about River Phoenix. He dies on the sidewalk outside from a drug overdose and the place becomes a fucking tourist attraction. I suddenly feel fake.

Day Seven

May 22, 1997 (1:00 a.m.)

Jena and I spent the whole day driving all over Los Angeles and surrounding areas. First, we went to Brentwood in search of Marilyn Monroe’s grave. We finally found it after three hours of looking, and then as soon as we were pulling into the driveway, we wrecked the car! A pole jumped out in front of us. It’s just a little dented and scratched up, not too bad. Jaren took the news rather well. After that, we got lost for about four hours and somehow found ourselves in Bellaire. We drove around there for a while, found Sunset Blvd, but ended up at the beach instead of the Strip. I was expecting the water to be blue and the sand to be white, but it looked just like Galveston. When we finally did find the Strip, we drove by the Viper Room a couple of times, took a few pictures, and then decided it was time to go back to the hotel room. I am so sick of California.

Day Eight

May 23, 1997 (2:00 a.m.)

It looked as if we were going to be heading home today, but Jaren decided we could go on to Las Vegas. Man, it sure is bright here!

Day Nine

May 24, 1997 (2:00 a.m.)

I stayed in the hotel room most of the day vegging. When Jena and I decided to walk to the store to get a drink, I had this guy get right up in my face and say “you’re beautiful.” I said “thanks” and walked off. It kind of freaked me out, but it made me feel good at the same time. He wasn’t bad looking.

Day Ten

May 25, 1997 (4:00 a.m.)

Here we go downhill, for now our days are done. I miss California most of all. Who would of thought? All the fighting is wearing thin and I’m sick of eggshell walking. It isn’t me, I know, but why does it have to be each other? Texas highways lay before us, and as I get closer to home, I feel sadness appear.

Welcome Home

May 28, 1997

My cat hisses at me and crawls into the lap of my brother’s girlfriend, who, whenever I go out of town, never fails to be here when I get back. Kirk steals my stash and the city greets me with a thunderstorm. I am no longer homesick.

May 29, 1997

I’ve been home for one day and tomorrow I shall be leaving again. Gwen is coming to pick me up and take me back to Kerrville with her. We are going to the folk festival. I’ve been wanting to go for a while.

Verses
June 9 - 10, 1997

I see age taking over where it never existed before. How do you watch an old friend die? From the days of a child to the years of adulthood, honesty is the main ingredient. 

Your character changes and I accept it, I even enjoy it just like old times. Age has no limits so it seems after all these years we accomplish what was so often talked about. In silence I continue with passion and love for a play that has always existed and once again I am not alone. We live off one another.

Hello Again

June 12, 1997

I am almost certain that my destination in life is to just travel, you know, keep going from place to place, leaving whenever the scenery becomes old and boring. Not once do I get depressed when I’m on the road. Bad habits are easy to break and life just seems so much more clear and bright. I didn’t do much writing on this last trip, probably because I just wasn’t inspired to, not that I didn’t have a wonderful time, I just did not find the urge to write. Gwen and I bonded. We got drunk every night for two weeks like a couple of fucking alcoholics. We discussed the past as we always do, but this time it was with extreme passion. We came to the conclusion that back then we were always on the same level, the same wavelength, and once again, we have returned.

I just got home today. Gwen dropped me off and went on to Kerrville. I miss her. Jaren got into a car accident while I was away. He had been drinking a little and ran into the back of another car. Luckily, he wasn’t hurt too bad, but he did have to go to the hospital for a couple of days. I don’t think he’ll end up going to jail, thank goodness. The wreck totaled his car, which was fairly new. I had the same welcome home as before, but I didn’t take it as hard this time. Shit, I was expecting it. Tomorrow will be my twentieth birthday and my party is going to include me, my mom, and Jena. Jaren is going out of town so I can dig that. I hate crowds.

One more year and what have I become? The same as I was yesterday and a year before the sun.

Birthday Surprise

June 14, 1997

My birthday ended up being on Friday 13 this year which was cool because I stayed up watching horror movies all night. Mom got me “John Lennon in His Own Write,” a book very hard to come by. We went to this bookstore the night before that sold rare books, and Jena actually found that book there. I was looking at the magazines and Jena walked up to me with this huge grin on her face, showed me the book, and let me tell ya, I threw a fit. I’ll admit it, I was jealous and bitter, not at Jena really, just the whole situation. It was the only copy the bookstore had! Turns out, Mom had ordered me a copy from this guy we met at the John Lennon Art Exhibit a while back. When I unwrapped that present, I cannot tell you how stupid I felt. Jena was laughing. She knew!

Teenagers

June 19, 1997

This is not forever as nothing ever is, but what would even matter if it was? I hear you’re leaving westward, in a moment time was dear, take me with you next time, your pain is mine to fear. I have only this life, this hand is my escape, in voice I have to pretend as my mind is there to waste. In you I have my fantasy where soul and spirit meet, in you I have tomorrow as children of today, like age is non-existent, my dreams have all been met. Blood became transparent as there lives no meaning to this timeless love for creation known only in ours heads. And still I stand alone as I have always been, I fear to live alone, in life I fear the dead. What was there to forgive, the past is nothing less, like your loveliness in form, there is more than what is seen. I have seen most everything.

Home Alone

June 24, 1997

I’ve had the house to myself for about two weeks now. Mom got a job teaching summer school in Bay City, Kirk is always gone, Jena is in New Orleans, and Jaren is in and out of town which leaves me all by myself. At first, I liked it, but when 12:00 rolls around, fear creeps over me and I start getting paranoid about somebody breaking into the house, you know. I start worrying that some terrible thing is going to happen to me for no other reason other than because I’m alone. I think I’m going to Kerrville this Friday if Gwen will meet me in Austin. The Grand Am isn’t running so I have no means of transportation and I have been stuck in this house for what feels like a year. Man, I’m going crazy!

June 1997
In ancient times, music was a spirit for all the tribes to worship under one god. A timeless ritual with the sun, the moon, and the stars celebrating in unison until war would vanish this universal harmony forever.
Verses
June 25, 1997

I feel so apart from you now, and I curse time for opening his eyes and casting a deadly stare upon us where youth was the only present in the past. Away is a dream in a daily routine where mountains exist and freedom is breath, yet to dwell in the confines of hell until death is upon, I venture to travel beyond this reality shell.

Invention

July 9, 1997

I have this great idea in my head just waiting to be witnessed and performed in a way that even I could never pull off in a million years. Sitting here in silence I catch a glimpse of a less attractive way of spilling the truth without words or actions. Addiction since the age of innocence will always haunt the soul who invented this drug. I have feared this gift in so many entries that it freaks me out the way in a split second reality and fantasy come together to form this whole other realm of gifted fiction and hidden pleasure.

Role Play

July 10, 1997

And after all it was probably more about you than it was me. I live in that state of mind always, so naturally I am forever there. I see and hear the lines and the only words I can comprehend are me. I should feel excited and not alone but it is just the opposite for I am not special, or gifted, you can do the same thing, maybe even better. So, in the end it is about action, it is about belief, and it was never about me.

Rude Awakening

July 10, 1997

Gwen and I stayed in the hotel room while Jaren was off at the casino trying to win some money. We stayed up until 12pm the next day till we finally passed out from an over-consumption of vodka. We had checked in the hotel at about four in the morning and the front desk clerk decided to go ahead and give us the room for two days at the price of one. 3p.m. rolls around and two cops are banging on the door and then proceed to bust in. They start kicking our beds and shaking us and yelling in our ears that checkout time was three hours ago and we need to wake up. Me? Well, World War Three couldn’t wake me up!

The cops take Gwen down to the front office, she tells the new desk clerk we’ve already paid for two days and the bitch just would not listen. I mean, all she had to do was look at the guest registration, or look it up on the computer, but no, she decides to get all irate and call the fucking police on us! Gwen is finally able to talk to the manager and get things straightened out. Funny this is, I slept through the whole damn thing. The cops were asking if I was dead!

Boredom

July 25, 1997

Jena’s moving to Georgia with her sister. Gwen has a steady job in Bay City, and in four weeks, I’ll be starting my second semester of college. I am extremely depressed. Jena and I never talk anymore, which I guess, is a good thing in the long run since she’s moving away. I got a 3.0 average last semester. Not bad, huh? Thing is, I don’t even want to go back next semester. The long-awaited move I had been anticipating for almost a year now has become a thing of the past. That was to be expected the minute I agreed to go to college for one semester, and then we would leave. I knew I missed my chance even then, I just didn’t believe it.

This summer has been wonderful though despite my disposition now, the last three months have been the best time I have had in a while. I guess when you’re away from home and on the road, problems are oblivious. They don’t exist for a while and life can be enjoyed to the fullest, you know, but it can’t last. One day you wake up in your own bed staring at the posters on the wall of that familiar room, wondering why the hell you came back.

Constant Shit

July 26, 1997

A few days ago I was reading my journals from last year and the state of depression I seemed to be in slowly took on a decrease. I had to give myself a pat on the back for surviving all that shit! My best friend died, Jena got kidnapped, drugs were the only thing on my mind, and all the everyday shit that happened was enough to make somebody want to top themselves. Yes, I do admit things have calmed down a bit, but the shit never goes away now does it? I mean, without daily shit we wouldn’t be able to survive. It’s a part of life, sometimes it’s just a bigger shit, that’s all.

Not Wanted

August 3, 1997

Have you ever had that feeling that you’re really not wanted? I’m in Bay City staying with Gwen right now, and her dad keeps asking me if I’m going back to Houston with Evan (my cousin) tomorrow, and Aunt Judy keeps wanting to know the same thing. So, I just got off the phone with Evan and I guess I’m going home. Wouldn’t you? It’s probably for the best anyway. I mean, I still need to register for this semester and call my dad as well. It’s been about three months since I’ve talked to him and he usually call me once a week. I’m kinda worried about him but more than anything I’m feeling guilty for not trying to contact him. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have his number.

I have been severely depressed lately and I can’t seem to get over it. I don’t want to go home. Hell, I never want to go home! I don’t want to go to college this semester, and more than anything, I don’t want to spend another six months in Houston. Jena finally got out of Humble and I can’t help but feel like a left behind, unwanted, unimportant, uncared for pathetic loser who will never live up to her dream, and who will be forever watching friends and family get what they want and move on with no looking back and no regrets. Jena’s giving up on college and she’s going to focus all of her energy on being a model, and you know what, she’ll make it! Wow, this is probably the first time I’ve gone to write to try and make myself feel better, you know, to get it out, and I don’t feel any better. It just didn’t work this time.

Tuesday Night

August 4, 1997

Well, I didn’t go home only because Gwen asked me not to. Hey, have you ever noticed how when someone is telling a story about themselves to another person and that person doesn’t really seem interested, they’re just sitting there thinking about their own related experiences waiting for you to shut up so they can share their story? Just thought I’d share that! Gwen and I are watching old videos from the early 90’s. We’re going down memory lane drinking gin along the way. I miss 1993. I was fifteen years old. Can you believe that? Five years ago! God, it seems like just yesterday. Wow, I think I have had too much gin. I’m all dizzy and shit, you know, I mean, I am going to have to keep writing until I can close my eyes without having to run to the porcelain throne and vomit!

Verses
August 5, 1997

In the shade I still cannot relax. My mind is never blank like I wish it would be for constant thoughts only lead to confusion.

There’s a fine line between fantasy and reality, right? Imagine if that line has been erased.

Roots

August 10, 1997

I fear that I have lost the ability to love. I mean, I know I love my family and my friends so maybe love is the wrong word. Sometimes I just have a hard time caring about what someone else is saying. Words go through one ear and out the other as I just sit there in a daze thinking about myself, my own problems, and how much I just don’t care. God, I hate that about myself. Why can’t I just listen and forget about myself long enough to actually hear? Like two years ago when I came to the conclusion that the answer is to lose yourself as much as possible and only then will peace of mind come, only then will I find myself, and it still seems that it should be the thing to do. I just can’t figure out how.

Best Friends

August 10, 1997

I know it’s something more than best friends when you get jealous when they talk about someone else in high regards. Remember when you were a little kid and you could only have one best friend? Well, that’s what it’s like. It has been said by a very close friend that I am, with no doubt, bisexual. I denied this perception, but I will admit my extreme affection for close friends of the same gender. This affection has, of course, always been returned but not in terms of assumed reality. It was always in a game, a role play that I still, in present days, engage. I do not look at other females and get turned on or even aspire to “get to know.” I do, however, enjoy the closeness of my female friends.

Take the incident with Jena for example. She was the one who instigated the whole experience, and, with all honesty, I never really enjoyed it, though I would do it again if offered. And Gwen, well, ever since I was seven years old she has been like my idol. It’s not like that so much anymore, but she is one of the two people I can really connect with. We share the same secrets and, in a sense, we live off one another. About a month ago, she confessed to me over lunch that if in the case of my death she would literally have no one. “I don’t know what I would do. My life would be over as well.” Ditto.

Another Fight

August 17, 1997

Kirk and I just had another fight. He wanted me to take mom to school in the morning so he would have the car to go to work, but he didn’t want to get up early so he pawned the situation off on me. I basically told him to fuck off and he walked out the front door saying “Thanks Lindsay” and slammed the door behind him. Why am I sitting here feeling guilty about what just happened when it is his responsibility to take care of that, you know? I mean, I don’t mind helping out but shit, why should I have to get up at six in the morning simply because Kirk doesn’t want to? I can’t help but be bitter. Fucker totals my car that I paid for, and he doesn’t even pay me back or truly apologizes. He just gets special treatment from mom! He runs Gwen off when she was living with us simply because he doesn’t like her, but yet Melissa stays here for months at a time and he expects nobody to mind? I hate that bitch but you don’t see me running her off.

I can’t even be myself around him for fear of being laughed at and put down. I even told him this, but of course he couldn’t understand. I know, I bitch about Kirk a lot, but I swear he’s got to be the hardest person to live with. Coming after me with a baseball bat, almost pushing me down the stairs, and telling me how stupid I am all the time is clearly a situation with no cure except distance. When the days come that Kirk and I are no longer under the same roof, I wonder if we would ever talk to each other again. I mean, we’re brother and sister but it just seems so irrelevant.

Jude

August 19, 1997

Quite often I find myself gazing upward remembering the year of lost innocence, not just for me but for everyone who followed. I believe that we had so much in common but I cannot be sure as I know only what I see and hear. Too many times have taken me back to false happiness and it is there that I feel closest. What a shallow statement to make, but not if perceived in the right manner. It is during these “phases” that depression is at its worst and the need for an escape is mandatory. There is no dark side, there is no hidden secret, there is no false identity, it was nothing more than human nature and society as we know it is ignorant to believe otherwise. Death can do so much for an ego and isn’t it ironic how a person can become a legend only after life is over? Come on, and I thought I was being shallow for considering drug use as means of a connection.

Beauty was obvious, and from this beauty we expect perfection, we believe in the impossible, and when it became painfully aware that perfection cannot be obtained, we criticized. Not even in that famous circle could reality find his way, it’s like the eye of a hurricane, in the middle there is only oblivion. Like every other face in the crowd I was left in disbelief, finding answers leading to homicide rather than a simple series of mistakes. Yes, it was all too much, but using death as an excuse for money and ratings only concludes my theory. We thrive off misery and misfortune, and like vultures, we glide through the sky waiting for tragedy to fall to the earth and then we race to finish the remains.

August 23, 1997
I had a dream you were God. My fear was with you and your sacred heavens where eternity was nothing more than one day.

Changing Places

August 24, 1997

In one day I will be back at North Harris College attending one more semester. Right now, I’m smoking a cigarette in the bathroom of a Motel 6 (Jaren can’t sleep in a smoke-filled room) wishing I had a joint or at least a bowl to smoke. We are in Lake Charles where Jaren likes to go every weekend to play at the casinos, but I just go to get out of the house. I stay in the hotel room most of the time except for my outings to get ice or something to eat. Tomorrow we are meeting Gwen at Surfside to enjoy a nice day at the beach. Gwen will be moving up her in about a month. She’s going to massage therapy school in Kingwood.

It’s weird, you know, Jena leaves and Gwen moves in. I swear my life is like a fucking soap opera sometimes. Jena and I are like strangers now and one would think I would be saddened by that concept, but I’m not. Gwen and I are closer now than we ever have been, and truthfully, I don’t even miss Jena. God, we used to be inseparable and now I feel so uncomfortable around her. I don’t know what happened. To tell you the truth, I don’t even miss her. Suddenly, she vanishes from my life and it does not seem to bother me. When she was on the run she confided in me her feelings about Gwen. She told me how much she disliked her, and the reason why? “Because she’s trying to take my place in your life.” And I let her.

Endless Battle

August 27, 1997

“Fuck you to, Kirk.” That’s the way our conversations always end. We even try to get along most of the time, but it just doesn’t work. I think it is safe to say we really do hate each other. Kirk and I are both going to school now, so between me, Mom, and Kirk sharing one car, there are even more fights than before. Mom tries to keep the peace but it proves useless. The Grand Am isn’t running again and we don’t have the money to get it fixed. This situation is not going to work. We will end up killing each other before it’s all over.

Release

August 31, 1997

And of course you don’t belong. How could you possibly fit in with a circle that has no opening? You wouldn’t let them in anyhow and then wonder why nobody listens when speech finally occurs. After a while the ears don’t hear the words from a nameless face with eyes holding no expression to speak of. Yes, my friend, it is your fault but I will understand for we are what we are and only here can we release.

Forgotten

September 1, 1997

Saturday was the last I imagine, for us anyway. I still continue alone with your presence in mind and anticipate our meeting to continue where the scene was left off, but three days and three nights without such pleasure has left my mind in limbo and I can’t bring myself to tell you or ask you for such closure. I went into such intricate detail but have not yet informed you of my obvious obsession with such a delicate gift we have shared since early years of childhood. Our return was a tease and maybe my analysis of this connection was only fantasy. I felt what I wanted to feel, and saw what I wanted to see; of course I’m the only one, but you were there for a split second.

To Be Continued

September 2, 1997

When you stare at a familiar face long enough it transforms into a stranger leaving you to wonder how well you really know this person. September is here again and the memories of Julie are worse than usual as death makes his presence known all over again as if my memory had forsaken me. Princess Diana died in a car accident about two nights ago which put the entire world in a state of shock. It just comes so quickly sometimes and no matter who you are, life is just suddenly stolen in a second’s time. Some photographer had taken pictures of the four passengers inside the mangled car after the wreck and chances are they will be sold to some tabloid magazine for at least a million dollars.

When River Phoenix died, a photograph was taken of him in the funeral home. Some guy snuck in late at night, opened up the casket, placed a smile on River’s lips and sold the picture for $25,000. I remember seeing it on the cover of National Enquirer with the words “This is what drugs will do” printed underneath it. I ripped the magazine up when I saw it at the store, man I just lost it.

A couple of nights ago I had this dream that was so real in detail yet so awkward in presence. It was a normal day at my house and as I was leaving the confines of my room I heard mom and Kirk talking down the hall and there was this weird clicking sound that caught my attention. I went over to see what it was and there was Kirk sitting on the floor loading a gun with mom just standing there nonchalantly talking about the weather for all I know.

I asked Kirk what he was doing and he tells me that there’s this huge black guy shooting off an automatic outside. I go to look out the window and this huge black guy turns out to be a little boy, he still has the automatic but he’s like only nine years old. We all three go outside and proceed to stand on the sidewalk just watching him shoot it off. He goes over to my neighbor’s house (who is a preacher), rings the doorbell, and when Dr. Fritz opens the door, this kid shoots him in the head. The dream takes on a different form from there. I find it extremely odd that I would dream about Dr. Fritz for I never talk to him and it’s not like I was thinking about him that day.

Three days later mom calls me in Bay City and tells me that Kirk had wrecked her new car last night and he basically had a nervous breakdown. Mom went over to Dr. Fritz’s house with Kirk at four in the morning to pray for him and all that jazz. Next thing you know, Kirk is down on his knees crying and praying and proclaims that tomorrow morning he is going to church to be baptized by Dr. Fritz, and he did. I know the dream I had is connected to this occurrence in some way, but I have yet to grasp the meaning. I’m in an extremely depressed mood and the reason why scares even me.

On the way back from Bay City I realized that I had forgotten my pillow and from then on my mood went from disappointed to suicidal. My pillow is like a security blanket to me but being that I’m twenty years old I should be able to handle sleeping three nights without it!

Damn, twenty years old and I feel like I’m thirteen. I’ve never had a job, my career is undecided, and I’m starting to doubt my ability to pass all my courses this term in school. I’ve never had a real boyfriend and friends just don’t seem to exist anymore. So, I’m at the end of yet another journal and plans to start a new one are somewhat inspiring. I have this idea to get my journals published and put them on the market one by one kinda like a series of the Hardy Boys (bad example). My life would literally be an open book, and personally, I relish the idea.