I’ve provided explanations for the following journal entries highlighted below, not to save myself from my own word (God’s Word already did that) but to illustrate how this evil net works, and how my art imitated my life. The entries include love letters to River, seemingly prophetic dreams, and random everyday experiences that now hold significance.
Land of the Waterfalls 9/4/1995
There’s this dream I keep having again and again. It’s so different from all my other dreams. For one, it’s in black and white, most of the time my dreams consist of color. It’s also the same dream every time, things just keep on repeating themselves. I’ve had dreams that are continuations of before, but never the same exact dream. It’s one of those dreams that feel so realistic and stays with you all day. In this case, the realism was quite enjoyable. I can’t recall the events occurring in the dream, it’s doubtful there were any. I just remember the emotions in the dream being so strong and effective. My surroundings are fairly vivid, and that’s where I stayed throughout the dream. Waterfalls were everywhere, that’s all there was. This place consisted of nothing but waterfalls and I’m the only sign of life. I didn’t feel scared or alone, I felt at peace. The whole time I’m just sitting on the ground right in the middle of one of the many waterfalls. it feels so healing, and I never leave, I just wake up. I’d like to go back tonight, but I doubt that the dream will ever return. It was nice while it lasted though. I wonder if it means anything sub-consciously. The waterfalls could be metaphors of purity cleansing my body from dirt, reviving myself back to health. you never know about dreams. They might hold the answers to so many unsolved problems. I, myself, could hold the key that opens the door to truth.
Explanation: A black and white dream about waterfalls. Black and white represent astral travel as well as the word, the writing on the wall, or the black fire and the white fire. It’s also a reoccurring dream, i.e., the water cycle, the circle, or the spinning wheel of infinity. Waterfalls represent the kundalini flame or “the flood.” Like a constant flow of water over a steep cliff, a waterfall is symbolic of being in a state of limbo, alive but dead, a dream state, as it were, thus, the waterfall depicted on the old blue truck next to River in his coffin. The dream symbolizes the land of the golden gods and astral travel.
Death of a Friend 9/23/1995
I found out today that my best friend, Julie, passed away this morning. We’ve been friends since 7th grade. She’s the first person I met when I moved here (to Humble) several years ago. I would definitely consider her my sister. We did grow apart in the last year, but we always managed to keep in touch. I used to do everything with her, she even lived with me for a while. As false as this may sound, I somehow knew it would happen. it still came as a shock, but I often wondered about something like this happening.
A few nights ago, I had this dream and I can’t help but think that there’s a connection somewhere. It was my life five years ago and I was at school with all my old friends. Me, Julie, Rachel and Heather were the closest in the group. In the dream we’re all sitting in the cafeteria being loud and obnoxious as usual. What I don’t understand is why the dream even took place. I wasn’t thinking of them at all that day. One person was missing though, Julie wasn’t in the dream. I can almost guarantee she will be in my dreams tonight. I guess I’m still in disbelief, but her death was a freakish event. Rachel called me with the bad news, and not long after, she came to pick me up. We went over to the family wake which is always a disturbing experience. Julie was wearing a real pretty dress, but I know she wouldn’t like it. Her hair was done up just how she would have had it, but her face was different. Of course, her skin was pathetically pale, but her lips and her eyes were not even recognizable. They looked swollen and her face was so skinny. She looked fake, just like that of a wax figure. Her once pregnant stomach was back down to its normal size. The baby is in stable condition, but nobody thinks his chances of survival are very high. He is two months early and not able to breathe on his own yet. Tomorrow they’ll be taking him off the respiratory machine and I guess that will determine his fate.
Julie never got to see her baby. She died of a heart attack in the early morning hours of the day. The night before she had been having chest pains and even went to the doctor for it. He said it was nothing, gave her some pain pills, and sent her back home. She took a hot bath to relieve the pain and ended up staying awake for the remainder of the night. The next morning, she took another hot bath and that’s when the heart attack hit her. She was revived once but not for very long. She was eighteen.
I get the feeling I’m going to carry this for a long time. I’ve never been able to handle death very well. Right now, it’s about four in the morning and I’m beyond tired. For some reason, I’m dreading sleep, maybe because I fear dreaming. I admit I haven’t been sober all night, but who wants to be at times like this? None of it seems real. Somehow, I doubt that it ever will. I just keep on saying it over and over again, “I just can’t believe that Julie’s dead. She’s really gone. She’s really dead.”
Explanation: An entry I wrote the day my best friend died. Julie died of a heart attack while taking a bath early one morning. She was seven months pregnant at the time. I mention a dream I had a few nights before where all my old friends were there except Julie. After her passing, I saw the dream as more of a premonition, and after this thing took over my life, I saw Julie’s death as a sort of picture, an allegory of what’s to come. Because of her height, Julie was often referred to as Sasquatch, Big Bird, or The Jolly Green Giant in junior high and high school. Thus, Julie was the giant or the little green “man.” She died in a bathtub (which represents the kundalini flame or the caldron) on September 23, which is the same date that this thing fell on top of me. She was seven months pregnant when she died which represents the seven unclean spirits. The baby would then represent the new man or the evolved life form. Julie was of Jewish descent and of the Mormon faith which represents the false religions associated with this thing. So, the death of my giant best friend on September 23 from a heart attack in the bathtub represents an end to this thing and the cleansing of my flesh (my DNA) from the golden gods. It is the start and stop codon of the devil’s DNA when prophecy is fulfilled. The name “Julie” is derived from the Latin name “Julia” meaning beautiful or rose. Julie can, therefore, be thought of as a symbol of prophecy or the rose of the mind, thus, the esoteric teaching of the rose cross. The cross represents the flesh, and the rose represents the fulfillment of prophecy.
Black-eyed Pea 9/23/1996
Today mom and I went out to eat at the Black-eyed Pea and I saw my old friend, Julie. Funny thing is, she’s been dead for a year now. In fact, it was a year ago today. She was a waitress, can you believe, and looked the same as she always did. A stranger of course, but the resemblance was eerie. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from her, it was like the Twilight Zone. She asked for my order and smiled that same smile, talked the same, walked the same walk. Her height, weight, blonde shoulder length hair, wide-open blue eyes, even that same crooked nose was the same. My expression of disbelief was quite obvious, and she read through me like an old friend does, she knew! No words were spoken about it, but I could feel a connection. There is absolutely no way to explain this as a coincidence, or just imagination, this was real, even mom knew it, she saw it! I can never go back there again; the encounter is already driving me insane. I mean, I was just getting on with my life and now my dreams will be haunted for another long year.
Explanation: A year to the date of Julie’s death, I ran into her look-alike at a restaurant named the Black-Eyed Pea. She was a stranger, of course, but the resemblance was striking. In the journal entry, I mention how I believed that it wasn’t a coincidence, that I felt a connection, and that my dreams would now be haunted for another long year. So, here we have the death of a best friend and her rebirth as a familiar stranger. In other words, a familiar spirit in the form of an alien, or, the short male balding figure with the black eyes. The name of the restaurant is also symbolic of the fetus-like alien with black eyes, and a “pea” or “bean” represents seed, thus, the black-eyed alien. Take, for example, the pop group who calls themselves The Black Eyed Peas. They actually have a song titled Meet me Halfway with lyrics that state, “I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas. Across the universe I go to other galaxies,” and in the same song, “Let’s walk the bridge to the other side. Just you and I (just you and I), I will fly, I’ll fly the skies, for you and I.” So, here we have astral travel, the seven spirits, and meeting a golden god halfway. Seeing my dead best friend at the Black-Eyed Pea symbolizes the birth of and coming into contact with an alien.
Dream #3 11/7/96
I was in a strange unknown house, I think it might have belonged to Judy. Maybe I lived there because I had my own room and it seems that the only thing in the room was a bunk bed. At first, I was lying in the bottom bunk, but later on in the dream for some reason it was a must for me to sleep at the top. It was there that I remember looking up and seeing the stars move across the sky at a steady pace and it felt like I was moving through or with them.
Explanation: A dream about living in a strange house belonging to my aunt. This represents being under cruel authority or the oath of the lion’s paw. My aunt or “ant” represents the house of the golden gods or the aliens. Her name is Judith, which, brings us to The Book of Judith in the Catholic bible. A Jewish widow, Judith goes into the tent of her enemy and cuts off his head as he lay in a drunken sleep. We can think of this as an allegory for the golden gods taking over the minds of their victims. The ant enters into a person’s tent (their world) and cuts off their head (takes over the mind) due to the victim’s sin of fornication and drunkenness. Also worth noting, I called my Aunt Judy on the night of the flood as she read from her Bible and prayed for me over the phone – a reversal of the poles (if you will).
Ants, with their big slanted heads and black eyes, are of a hivemind. They are a social organism with a collective consciousness or universal mind – this is the concept behind the aliens. The bunkbed in the dream represents coming into synch with my spirit spouse. At first, I’m at the bottom, but then I’m on top where I see stars moving across the sky. I mention it felt as if I was moving through or with them. So, here we have a reference to flying. The bunkbed signifies having pillows for arms and the stars represent the golden gods. Also, it is titled “Dream #3” symbolizing the godhead.
Dream #5 1/1/97
Two of my old friends from the sixth grade were walking down the street with their heads bowed in prayer. I was riding in a car staring out the window at them and Julie’s presence entered the dream. I don’t remember seeing her, but I could just feel her there, like the dream was based around her. Everything was in slow motion.
Explanation: A prophetic dream about all of this. In the dream, I see two friends from the sixth-grade walking down the street with their heads bowed in prayer. This symbolizes the hijacking of my DNA. The two friends represent the two rungs of DNA, and the number six (the sixth-grade) symbolizes the flesh. Their heads are bowed in prayer symbolizing the threat to my faith and religion as well as the need for prayer. I’m riding in a car staring out the window at them. The car represents the wheels of the golden gods, and the window symbolizes the spiritual realm, the fourth dimension, and seeing into the future. I mention that Julie’s presence enters the dream, like it was based around her, which represents prophecy and having a familiar spirit. It’s also worth noting that sixth-grade is when my step-father’s sexual abuse really came into play.
Verse for River 2/7/97
This is a prayer for you my stranger friend, I love what you had to give. Sadly, I relate to a tragic end, for it could have been me as much as anyone; it could have been me, but it had to be you.
Explanation: Written about three years after his death, I refer to River as “my stranger friend.” Although written as a fan who felt a connection to the unattainable celebrity, I now see the significance of this phrase. River was the familiar spirit, the alien, and the future spirit spouse. The last sentence is a reference to drug use. During this time in my life, I was experimenting with various types of drugs. Now, it takes on a whole new meaning. I could have ended up just like River. I could have been one of them – but it had to be River, and this current prophecy, it had to be me.
Tribute to Death: Remember Time 2/24/97
I will remember as no one else can, remember the dead who shall live. In far-away dreams heaven is near, my heaven who has not a soul. Frozen time is all around, time is never fast as time is never slow, a month in a year is all we know. Time is always fast as time is always slow, in minute after hour we will go. She hands me my youth again and again, as he turns me on with a look all his own. Remember time with a smile, to forget will surely kill. I will remember time with a tear, is life really all we have here? Remember time by the hour, in a second, we have come to a year.
Explanation: Another entry about the golden gods. “The dead who shall live” is a reference to the prophecy about River returning from the dead as well as the stone idols who are born again through corruptible seed – the aliens. The second line, “In far-away dreams heaven is near, my heaven who has not a soul,” refers to the golden gods (heaven) coming into contact with the earthly realm through dreams. “My heaven who has not a soul,” refers to the soulless aliens. I then mention “frozen time” which, again, refers to the stone idols or the dying gods. The line, “She hands me my youth again and again,” is in reference to the holy marriage and being born again by the kundalini flame. The last half of the sentence, “as he turns me on with a look all his own,” refers to the idol in my heart and the future spirit spouse.
Mysterious Man 3/17/97
Yesterday on the way to pick up Jena for school I saw the same familiar man I have seen two other times in my life, once when I was eight and again when I was twelve. Each time I saw him in a different place, but yet it was still the same. 1960 runs on forever for all I know but that is where I see him, walking down 1960. He carries a huge wooden cross on his back with a wheel attached to the bottom of it. I’ve always wanted to go talk to him, but I can never get up enough nerve to do so. I want to know why he does that, and how long he plans on doing it. Instead of talking to him, I just drove by and held up a peace sign. He probably thinks I flipped him off.
Explanation: An entry about a man I’ve seen various times throughout my life. He would walk on the side of the road carrying a large wooden cross on his back with a wheel attached to the bottom. I saw him three different times – once when I was eight, again when I was twelve, and lastly, when I was twenty. So, here we have the number three – the godhead or the spirit, the word, and the blood agreeing in one. Here, we have the prophecy of carrying the weight of The World. He represents the stone idols with the cross representing the flesh, and the wheel representing the spinning disk. In the entry, I use the phrase, “1960 runs on forever for all I know…” which refers to immortality and infinity. Using occult numerology, 1+9+6=16, and 1+6 = 7. So, we have the seven spirits, the seven steps of alchemy, and the seven chakras or spinning wheels of energy.
Dream #6 8/1/97
I awoke to a loud clap of thunder and the first thing that went through my head was, “oh no, I fell asleep, I missed my visiting time with Kirk.” Another burst of thunder echoed through the house sending chills up my spine. I peered through the window and became hypnotized by the daytime sky. A hallway of rolling black clouds hanging so close to the ground one would need to duck in order to avoid contact. My gaze is broken by the formation of an all too familiar funnel being cast down from the blackness of the sky. “Tornado!” I scream, running out of my room. “There’s a tornado coming,” but nobody pays any mind. I grab my cat and dog, run to my mom’s closet (which is much smaller than usual) and wait for the funnel to pass. When I stepped out of the closet confident that the danger had passed, I saw my aunt sitting in a rocking chair in front of a broken window. She didn’t speak, she just rocked back and forth. I suddenly wake up, look out the window, and the whole episode occurs again.
Explanation: Throughout my life I have had reoccurring dreams about tornadoes. This is one of them. It’s another dream that seems to foretell the coming of this thing into my life. At the time I wrote this, my brother was in a drug rehab facility. In the dream, I wake up fretting that I missed my visiting time with him. After the fact, years later, after all of this, it takes on a different meaning. The last year of his life, I missed my visiting time with him because I was too distracted by all of this. In the entry, I mention chills running up my spine, aka, the kundalini flame, and being hypnotized by the sky, aka, the golden gods. The tornado or whirlwind symbolizes, well, all of this. I run out of my room and warn everyone that a tornado is coming, which is exactly what I’m doing right now. I mention grabbing my cat and my dog (fornication and mind control) and run into my mom’s closet which looks smaller than usual. My mom’s closet represents the witch’s wardrobe, Rosemary Tantra’s novella, which is smaller than a novel. After the storm, I see my Aunt Judy sitting in a rocking chair staring out of a broken window. This represents being connected to the golden gods. The broken window represents my mind, and the rocking chair symbolizes vibrating on the same frequency, back and forth, to and fro, like string resonance on a guitar. Much like the Halloween dream, in this dream, I wake up only for the entire dream to repeat itself – a never-ending circle. The entry is titled “Dream #6,” a reference to the flesh and, possibly, the mark of the beast.
Dream #7 8/18/97
I had another dream about Julie last night. It’s been almost two years since her death, and I don’t cry about it anymore, but it still haunts me. This time she had been brought back from the dead, only it was not her. She looked the same and everything, but her personality was different. It was like she was retarded and had no concept of anything. I kept thinking, “what have we done?” It felt like a scene from Pet Cematary only Julie wasn’t demonic or evil, she was just so simple and flat out annoying. I could feel myself growing resentful and bitter towards her. I just wanted her to disappear. I literally hated her very existence.
Explanation: A dream about Julie being brought back from the dead. The entry is titled “Dream #7” signifying the seven spirits and the seven steps of alchemy leading to the birth of an alien. I mention how annoying she is and that I wish she’d just disappear.
Untitled 8/23/97
I had a dream you were God. My fear was with you and your sacred heavens where eternity was nothing more than one day.
Explanation: Written on River’s birthday describing a dream I had about him. This pretty much sums it up.
To Be Continued 9/2/97
When you stare at a familiar face long enough it transforms into a stranger leaving you to wonder how well you really know this person. September is here again, and the memories of Julie are worse than usual as death makes his presence known all over again as if my memory had forsaken me. Princess Diana died in a car accident about two nights ago which put the entire world in a state of shock. It just comes so quickly sometimes and no matter who you are, life is just suddenly stolen in a second’s time. Some photographer had taken pictures of the four passengers inside the mangled car after the wreck, and chances are, they will be sold to some tabloid magazine for at least a million dollars. When River Phoenix died, a photograph was taken of him in the funeral home. Some guy snuck in late at night, opened up the casket, placed a smile on River’s lips and sold the picture for $25,000. I remember seeing it on the cover of National Enquirer with the words “This is what drugs will do” printed underneath it. I ripped the magazine up when I saw it at the store, man I just lost it.
A couple of nights ago I had this dream that was so real in detail yet so awkward in presence. It was a normal day at my house and as I was leaving the confines of my room, I heard mom and Kirk talking down the hall and there was this weird clicking sound that caught my attention. I went over to see what it was and there was Kirk sitting on the floor loading a gun with mom just standing there nonchalantly talking about the weather for all I know. I asked Kirk what he was doing, and he tells me that there’s this huge black guy shooting off an automatic outside. I go to look out the window and this huge black guy turns out to be a little boy, he still has the automatic but he’s like only nine years old. We all three go outside and proceed to stand on the sidewalk just watching him shoot it off. He goes over to my neighbor’s house (who is a preacher), rings the doorbell, and when Dr. Fritz opens the door, this kid shoots him in the head. The dream takes on a different form from there. I find it extremely odd that I would dream about Dr. Fritz for I never talk to him and it’s not like I was thinking about him that day. Three days later mom calls me in Bay City and tells me that Kirk had wrecked her new car last night and he basically had a nervous breakdown. Mom went over to Dr. Fritz’s house with Kirk at four in the morning to pray for him and all that jazz. Next thing you know, Kirk is down on his knees crying and praying and proclaims that tomorrow morning he is going to church to be baptized by Dr. Fritz, and he did. I know the dream I had is connected to this occurrence in some way, but I have yet to grasp the meaning. I’m in an extremely depressed mood and the reason why scares even me. On the way back from Bay City I realized that I had forgotten my pillow and from then on, my mood went from disappointed to suicidal. My pillow is like a security blanket to me but being that I’m twenty years old I should be able to handle sleeping three nights without it! Twenty years old and I feel like I’m thirteen. I’ve never had a job, my career is undecided, and I’m starting to doubt my ability to pass all my courses this term in school. I’ve never had a real boyfriend and friends just don’t seem to exist anymore. So, I’m at the end of yet another journal and plans to start a new one are somewhat inspiring. I have this idea to get my journals published and put them on the market one by one kinda like a series of the Hardy Boys (bad example). My life would literally be an open book, and personally I relish the idea.
Explanation: I begin this entry by mentioning the death of Princess Diana and that pictures were taken of the mangled car where she died. I then transition into River’s death and the picture taken of him in his coffin. I mention that a smile was placed on his lips. Much like the images discovered from the film Stand by Me, pictures represent prophecy from the golden gods. The death of Princess Diana symbolizes the death of mystery Babylon, or more to the point, wounding her head by discovering the foundation unto her neck. She is a prototype of the Roman goddess Diana, or in this case, the alien Stella Phoenix. In his coffin, River has a smile on his face symbolizing that, through his death and rebirth, the enemy falls into his/her own pit. In other words, the devil shoots himself in the foot.
I also describe a dream I had where my brother (the church) is sitting on the floor loading a gun. I mention hearing a weird clicking sound which translates to the taps at my window by the golden gods, or more to the point, stones being cast at me. Mom is standing over him “talking about the weather for all I know” which symbolizes the witch responsible for directing the church choir. My brother tells me that a huge black guy is outside shooting off an automatic, but when I go outside to look, it ends up being a nine-year-old boy. The huge black guy represents the shadow of my word, and the nine-year-old boy represents my rebirth through the kundalini flame. The three of us (me, mom and Kirk) go outside and watch him from the sidewalk. This symbolizes the godhead and coming into synch with the church of my spirit spouse, initiated by Stella Phoenix. The boy then goes over to our neighbor’s house, who is an elderly preacher, and shoots him in the head. The preacher represents the word of the church, and his death by the nine-year-old boy symbolizes the death of the old word via my word.
Three days after the dream, Kirk wrecked mom’s new car and had a nervous breakdown. This symbolizes the breaking apart of the church, a house divided, and a kingdom separated against itself. The dying gods are no longer supporting the head illustrated by the wrecked chariot. I write that Kirk went to the preacher’s house at four in the morning seeking council and prayer. Four is the number for the spiritual realm, and so we have the dying gods being offered a different Spirit and a new doctrine. Kirk got baptized the next morning symbolizing the church being washed by the Word and a new kind of flood. Satan then casts out Satan as God lets the souls go, even the ones that are made to fly. In the same entry, I also admit to my severe mood swing when I realize I left my pillow in Bay City. When the pillows are ripped from the arms of those with idols in their hearts, the mind will go on the fritz. I end by stating that I’d like to get my journals published, and that my life would be an open book – and so it is.
Dream #8 12/29/97
Gwen and I were at my old house in Atascocita, it was just the two of us. We were getting ready to go to some party or club. I went from the bathroom into the living room and looked out the window. A tornado could be seen in the distance (suddenly my neighborhood is a farm) making her way up to my house dancing that familiar groove while following a fixed path. I run into the bathroom and calmly tell her that a tornado is about to hit, and we’d better take cover in the bathtub. We’re both hunched over with our arms covering our necks waiting for the funnel to go by. I look up and the ceiling starts to crack, and you could feel the walls shaking as if they were about to collapse on top of us. “We better go hide in the closet!” I yell to Gwen and we run for better shelter. After we arrive, I give Gwen my regrets for not having a bigger closet space and suggest that I could have sworn we used to have more space. The tornado makes her way over my house and Gwen and I stay intact. The place was a wreck, almost in ruins. We finish our faces and leave. This was probably the most realistic tornado dream I’ve had up to date. It actually hit this time, there was actually damage done. I remember I kept thinking in my mind, “Wow, a real tornado!”
Explanation: Another tornado dream and another glimpse into the future. Gwen and I are at my old house in Atascocita (it’s just the two of us) when I look out the window and see a tornado coming. I mention that suddenly my neighborhood is a farm, which is where I currently live with Gwen surrounded by small farms out in the country. We take shelter in the bathtub when the tornado arrives which symbolizes the flood and the kundalini flame. So, we have Gwen (the subconscious mind) being awakened and the fruition of the Devil’s DNA. As the house threatens to collapse on us, we take shelter in the closet which represents the new wardrobe. It also represents the dream I had where River’s dead body was in my closet, thus, awakening the kundalini flame, the subconscious mind, and the fruit of my word. I apologize to Gwen for not having a bigger closet space and suggest that “I could have sworn we used to have more space.” This is another loose connection since Gwen and I now live in a small house with very limited space. It also represents a secret waiting to be revealed – the finishing touch to my new wardrobe. After the tornado hits, we finish our faces and leave which is also symbolic of the finished wardrobe and the fruition of my word. I finish the entry by stating, “It actually hit this time, there was actually damage done,” which is certainly a true statement.
Dream #9 12/30/97
Had another dream about Eric last night. There’s something else I have a lot, Eric dreams. I was staying over at his house with a bunch of other people. We were just sitting around watching movies and had been for the past three days. I was sitting on the couch right next to Eric and the only thing I could think about was the fact that I hadn’t showered in three days. I was thinking this in my head, but Eric turns to me and says that I’m welcomed to take a shower over here, so I did. It was a pretty normal dream except for the fact that Eric and I were apparently friends, I mean close friends, and we both had a liking for each other, but nothing ever comes of it. Well, the last part sounds kind of familiar. In another part of the dream I’m riding shotgun with Julie at the wheel and some chick is in the backseat, but I have no idea who she is. We’re driving down the freeway at a high speed and suddenly I’m hanging out of the car about to plunge to my death. Julie reaches out her hand and is just barely able to touch the tips of my finger. The dream moves in for a close-up and I’m only able to see my hand and hers trying to make contact. A little closer, fingers attached, then our hands make contact, finally Julie has me by the arm pulling me in. “I wouldn’t have let you go, we know what death is like,” she says. “We sure do,” I reply and looked up at Julie who was smiling like an angel.
Explanation: A dream about my high school crush, Eric, who was a short dark-haired boy with a red-haired girlfriend who despised me. Here, we have a picture of the familiar spirit and the godhead. In the dream, I’m staying over at his house with a bunch of other people. The other people represent River’s friends and family, and his house represents the godhead. In other words, the body of River yoked together under one familiar spirit, and one god – the short balding figure with the blackened eyes. I mention that I’m sitting on the couch right next to him watching movies which symbolizes subliminal messaging. The couch is also significant. As a verb, the word “couch” means to “lay oneself down,” or in this case, being overshadowed by my shadowed brain. It represents my consciousness being taken over by my subconscious mind. The picture painted here is also reminiscent of the visitor at work who sat down next to me on the bench, the black guy who I thought was one of River’s musician friends in disguise – a dark-haired man who is a bit on the short side. By all accounts, he too, was yoked together under one familiar spirit by the body of River, which is who he represented. Posing as the familiar spirit (a black man), and posing as River, he sat next to me on the couch having laid himself down too.
In the dream, I am astonished when Eric appears to have read my thoughts. I write how I was thinking that I hadn’t showered in three days, and Eric then turns to me and says that I’m welcomed to take a shower. As I describe in Chapter Three: The Viper’s Tongue, I was constantly fearful that someone was in my head reading my thoughts and calculating my every move. In fact, I actually experienced this telepathy the night before my visitor arrived. The words “look and listen” and “be prepared” streamed loudly through my head, and the following night (after my meeting with Mr. Black) my blog was inundated with comments. We can think of this as the passing of the torch as Mr. Black must have believed (from a seed planted in his brain) that I could revive River and change someone’s life.
The shower that Eric said I could take represents rain or the word/light from the harp players. The blog comments, songs on the radio, parables put forth by friends, strangers, and coworkers, clues found absolutely everywhere – it’s the rain that makes the seed grow. As the water cycle completes its course and the rain falls upon us again, so does the fruit of our word. In the dream, we sat around watching movies for three days, I hadn’t showered in three days, Chapter Three: The Viper’s Tongue – so we have the coming of the godhead where the spirit, the water, and the blood agree in one. I also mention that Eric and I were close friends, thus, connecting with my spirit spouse via the coming flood.
The dream changes course and I’m in the car riding shotgun with Julie at the wheel. I mention that some chic is in the backseat, but I have no idea who she is. The unknown chic represents my subconscious mind, and Julie at the wheel represents prophecy or the rose of my mind. Suddenly, I’m hanging out of the car about to plunge to my death which represents the flood. The dream moves in for a close-up as my fingers struggle to connect with Julie’s. She finally pulls me back in and says, “I wouldn’t have let you go, we know what death is like.” “We sure do,” I reply, and look up to see Julie smiling down at me like an angel. This is a prophecy of River’s return from the dead as well as being saved from the flood. Julie smiling down at me like an angel represents River’s soul being knit with mine.
Role Play 12/30/97
I made you up so I could be what isn’t me, and live a life that is intriguing. My hand holds all control, you are my puppet but strings are not needed for you follow like a shadow. There is beauty in all I create and we have come a long way since the beginning. You I hold closest to my heart and made you the main when you were cast as an extra. An invisible sculpture yet I can see the faces clearly as if I possess glossy pictures from a Kodak. This is my reality, this is my dream, this is myself. There shall always be pain, loss, and suffering but in this manner I find happiness, peace, and accomplishment instead.
Explanation: This is a somewhat complicated entry. Although written from the perspective of myself being the creator of different characters (a form of dissociative disorder which I discussed earlier), there is much more going on here. Terms like “you are my puppet” or “you follow like a shadow” or “glossy pictures from a Kodak” sound very much like the concepts described in this book. Being controlled like a puppet, given a new wardrobe, constantly harassed by an invisible source, subliminal messaging and the subconscious mind – it’s as if the familiar spirit was speaking through me. Mind you, when I wrote in my journal, I toked on weed the entire time. The two went hand in hand. So, it begs the question, which spirit was speaking through me and what kind of spirit was I inspired by? After all, the entry is titled “Role Play.” Although unbeknownst to me at the time, I was engaged in a form of divination. You can take this entry from my perspective, flip it upside down, and read it from the perspective of the familiar spirit. Like going back and forth or being double-minded, it can be read and interpreted with the familiar spirit and myself being as one. The familiar spirit speaks through me prophesizing about the future. Thus, the fruit of my word.
Animal Spirits 6/17/98
To my surprise the reading was dead on. The first image was revealed and from then on I realized that maybe there is something behind all this mumbo-jumbo. Each card that was delicately turned over spoke to me through a newfound interpreter, and I listened focusing all concentration on this experienced voice. Inner secrets were tapped into like a video camera was recording my every move. I need to plant my feet firmly on the ground. Fear is my worst enemy and my best friend. Transformation is my hidden ability, like a chameleon I can blend in when necessary. My defense mechanism is the act of playing dead just like the opossum. I seem to be balanced. There is perfection in defaults.
Explanation: This entry is about a tarot reading I received while at a bar. Here again, we have the concept of being double-minded. “The newfound interpreter” I mention can be thought of as the golden god or familiar spirit, and the cards or images are the subliminal messaging of the subconscious mind. I write that “inner secrets were tapped into like a video camera was recording my every move” thus, the concept of being on the same frequency as the golden gods. I then reveal some of the results from my reading, which again, can be read and interpreted with a double mind switching back and forth between myself and River. Also, the entry is called “Animal Spirits” which can translate to beast spirits, aliens, or put plainly, devils.
Magnolia Bend 6/26/98
Keeping my head held high. Saving face. Holding onto pride. Laughing in spite of sadness. Sometimes it is all too clear. I criticize what I cannot begin to understand, but this does not mean I am bitter. Irritated by tiny gestures put forth in an attempt to turn on the unattainable party. You were in my dream helping me fight off an evil presence. It was a house occupied by my spirit in some lifetime, and once again I returned. This vision is reoccurring, but last night there was a clearness for the first time. Wood was rotting away from years of abandonment. All of our things were still in place as if this old memory was still our habitat. Nostalgia filled the room as I climbed the last step to enter through a closed door that whispers to me even now when eyes are open and thoughts are aware. Relics placed in a perfect pattern. Zig zag. Horizontal. Parallel. Circular. It started to rain and all began to soil. The cage in the backyard fell victim to three lone shots set fire by a well-known face. All fell silent. I could feel the loss, the guilt, the death. From then on chaos possessed main theme and distinction was deceiving. I knew it was a dream within a dream. Control was somewhat in my power but I couldn’t bring it to a halt.
Explanation: This is an entry describing a dream I had about the house on Magnolia Bend. I describe a person in the dream as “you” and although I don’t specify who that is in the entry, I remember it to be my stepfather Jaren. I write that “you were in my dream helping me fight off an evil presence.” So, here we have my abusive stepfather helping me in the dream, in other words, Satan casting out Satan. I mention that “it was a house occupied by my spirit in some lifetime, and once again I returned,” which is a reference to the subconscious mind. I climb the stairs to my bedroom (signifying my DNA ladder) where I find “relics placed in a perfect pattern. Zig zag. Horizontal. Parallel. Circular.” These relics are the words of my DNA – my journals and novels. “It started to rain and all began to soil,” and so here we have the flood, the subconscious mind being awakened and the fruition of the Devil’s DNA. “The cage in the backyard fell victim to three lone shots set fire by a well-known face.” The cage represents the evil net, and the three lone shots represent the godhead. The well-known face is mine.
Intermission 9/22/98
Today I realized how easy it is for memories to fade into pictures that have to be located on a dusty bookshelf in the corner of a room. I made you out of my own mold with such precision, but yet I still find it a challenge to express this unique character openly. The game felt like it had finally come to an end but if there is still a breath left to breathe the show will go on. Now is the time to use the bathroom, get a refill, stock up on popcorn and have a cigarette for the action is mild but it is due time for a climax.
Explanation: The first line is in reference to my journals which are memories and faded pictures located on a dusty bookshelf, and within them, on lined pages, are these entries, many of which are about River. They are the music, the words and the light adding to his DNA after the holy marriage. And by God’s Word and the binding spirit of the Holy Ghost, River was literally born again, thus the lines “I made you out of my own mold with such precision…” and “if there is still a breath left to breathe the show will go on.” We are currently in intermission waiting for the climax to make his presence known.
How the West was Won 9/29/98
It all comes back riding on the crest of a wave. A reoccurring tidal wave. Fresh as memories made only seconds ago. Where was I from between then and now? So much was lost and so little was hung onto. I am putting as much back as possible. In my closet sits an oblong shoebox that will be overflowing with green paper by this time next year, before this time next year. That shoebox is my ticket out of here. Now is the time to be smart and preserve all extra earnings. A sign was given to me about six months ago but the words written were foreign. The next few weeks were spent trying to learn a new language. My instructor was harsh, but at the end of each semester we thank them for steering us in the right direction. The sign was transformed into a familiar tongue. Symbols became letters and words formed sentences. I now understand what tasks need to be done, and although I might still be in training, I am nearer to the end than I am the beginning. My heart lies deep in the west where acres of freedom await.
Explanation: An entry about deliverance from this thing. The first few sentences symbolize the re-emergence of the subconscious mind. I also mention my closet again with an oblong box overflowing with green paper – a reference to River and the fruit of my word. The entry goes on to describe learning a new language. I actually write, “a sign was given to me about six months ago but the words written were foreign,” so here we have a vision into the future with the hijacking of my DNA (remember the conversation with my elderly aunt? That was the sign) and the viper’s tongue via the comments on my blog. I then go on to write that “the next few weeks were spent trying to learn a new language” which they were. I describe my instructor as being harsh but “at the end of each semester we thank them for steering us in the right direction.” I suppose my instructor could have been a lot of people, but as it turned out, my instructor was and is The Holy Ghost, and through Pastor Mike Hoggard’s videos, that foreign tongue that plagued my life began to make sense. Symbols became letters and words formed sentences as I began to see the bigger picture. I knew what needed to be done.
Clockwork 10/30/98
It’s four in the morning. Four candles sit still waiting for a breath of wind so they can dance. Listening to the Cowboy Junkies. Enjoying another serene night while twilight continues to sleep. Tomorrow is the anniversary of a lost soul. Five years has it been? Another sun has kept you in my dreams. My shellshock was finally cured a short while ago, maybe a month. There is a heavy load I now carry. The most beautiful beach, enchanting forest, or highest mountain could not free me from all burdens. Some things are not meant to be forgotten but we are born again through pain.
Explanation: Written on All Hallow’s Eve, this is another entry for River. We have the appearance of the number four again (twice) with the second sentence stating that four candles are waiting for a breath of wind so they can dance. In other words, the golden gods, i.e., the candles, the light, and the kundalini flame (the devil’s DNA), are waiting for another soul to steal. I mention that another sun has kept River in my dreams, and so we have River as the golden god (the sun) being cast in my dreams. Fast forward to the future, and the heavy load (the burden) I now carry is this book. The entry is titled “Clockwork” which symbolizes coming into synch with a dying god, the zeitgeber, or the time-giver.
Poster Child 12/11/98
Tanned by the sun. Golden. Surfacing waves chase the shore, white foam left behind, seagulls flock to feed. Slender fingers barely touch tips, nervous habits. Night fall cast in the background, curtains hang low, painted frames survive. One arm carries a jacket, another bare. Perfection. Shadows play a part, the mood is heavy, a one-sided face. Pensive. Delicate features. Defined muscles. Beauty. Remember the time. Too many secrets. Cover-up.
Explanation: I wrote this describing a poster of River. The deeper meaning is unnerving. It describes River as a golden god and the rising of the kundalini flame for the last time. It describes his attack at the Viper Room by the word of the seven sister – the waves chasing the shore, the cresting white-tips, the strong undercurrent, the thick salty foam – seagulls flock to feed. Shadows. Curtains. Setec Astronomy. Life imitates art.
Letter to River Jude 1/5/99
If it could be arranged I would like to see you again tonight. My God it’s been too long. I imagine your eyebrows are still perfectly arched, your dimple, your careless hair, your breathless voice all still perfectly intact. Do you remember the last time we saw each other? We were at your house, and for some reason the electricity was out. How many people were there that night? We ended up passing out in the back room, and the next morning when we awoke to find a for sale sign in the front yard, we strolled over to a nearby Oaktree and waited for the sun to set again. Four more hours remain until the morning haze creeps in through the window. I’ll meet you there.
Explanation: A testimony of the many dreams I used to have about River. In this entry, I describe my most recent dream which (nearly twenty years later) became the origin of my controversy with that green house located behind mine. You know, the one where I thought River lived? In this dream, I describe River and I being at his house “and for some reason,” I write, “the electricity was out.” So begins the obsession with the lights at the neighbor’s house. I also mention an Oaktree being in the front yard. Not surprisingly, to reverse that, my neighbor with the green house has a huge Oaktree spanning the backyard. And then the last two lines, “Four more hours remain until the morning haze creeps in through the window. I’ll meet you there.” So, we have the number four (the spiritual realm) combined with the morning haze (a confusing spirit) creeping in through the window – an opening of the veil. And, like The Black Eyed Peas song, Meet me Halfway, I tell him I’ll meet him there – so we have the holy marriage and the awakening of the subconscious mind, case in point, this entry.
Relating? 2/20/99
I can see you in me, or me in you, whichever you choose. The music that once filled your ears with mellow tones of melancholy still plays on through mine. It’s a great feeling to dose yourself with the relaxation of valium, the creativity of marijuana, and the warm glow of a candle that rests on an old cassette player. There is nothing better than serene nights spent alone engulfed in personal expression and worldly echoes. Ancient ancestors whisper a family secret that is too well hidden to ever surface again. But this cannot be so, for those of us who have lived through secrets of the past know how prevalent they are.
Explanation: Another entry for River. Here, we have the godhead, being double-minded, and the concept of our souls being knit together as exemplified with the first line, “I can see you in me, or me in you…” The last two verses are especially significant, not only from a personal perspective, but also regarding this great secret. The ancient ancestors represent the giants and their religion.
Reoccurring 2/21/99
I always have dreams about stars. The sky is lit up by colorful constellations that actually don’t exist in the real world. Every night there is a different show and everybody stands outside at the same time they do every night to witness what the next picture, or message, or cartoon, or whatever will be.
Explanation: A reoccurring dream about messages appearing in the stars. The colorful constellations symbolize the seven wavelengths of color or the seven unclean spirits. Everyone stands outside waiting for the next picture, or message, or cartoon – the introduction of this thing to the masses.
Dream #10 (Reoccurring)
Close your eyes and remember the way to the trail. There’s a parting in the trees just up ahead. The sky is dull and gray but through the opening light could be seen from the sun. You move slowly pushing branches out of the way until a path is spotted in the clearing. “I’ve been here before, don’t follow it,” but you do anyway despite the inner voice. The feeling of terror returns in a sudden flash of de-ja-vu as soon as your feet begin tracing the path. The light from the sun was deceiving as you look up and around only to discover that your surroundings are darker now than they were before. “What do I do? What happened next?” But you can’t remember. It is blocked every time so you keep going back. A reoccurring nightmare but you can’t remember the reason for terror. What lurks along this trail?
Explanation: a reoccurring dream about a haunted forest. In the dream, I can always remember being there, but I can never remember what happens. It signifies being lost in the subconscious mind after passing through the fire.
Charity 5/10/99
Undertones of doubt drip like wax following in a steady stream until the wick can no longer provide heat. Multi-colored spirals cover the carpet in whole hiding originality that was once dirt brown. Slay the devil for he hides behind shower curtains waiting for the water to boil. Prayers were meant for closed doors he chants in a breeze that brushes by your neck. I have been fooled again. Skies turn to ash and sit with patience waiting for gravity to arrive. Whispers from the west settle into my ear foretelling a tale yet to be told. “Her mountains now look to the sea while the sea continues to reach for the sky.”
Explanation: Another prophetic entry about all of this. The undertones of doubt signify the murmurings of the golden gods against this thing. It signifies the souls returning to their long homes as the stone idols melt away. The multi-colored spirals covering the carpet in whole symbolizes the new life forms, like Stella Phoenix, in search of new hosts (the masses). The carpet which was once dirt brown symbolizes the seed planted in mankind, and the covering spirals (like the covering cherub Lucifer) signifies the watering of that seed. “Slay the devil for he hides behind shower curtains waiting for the water to boil.” Here is a warning: the devil (the no good thing in our flesh) hides behind the veil waiting for the chance to strike (awakening the kundalini flame). “Prayers were meant for closed doors,” he chants, which signifies the doors of the mind being open to the golden gods once the flame is lit. The skies turning to ash represents the lost souls of the golden gods who have given themselves over to Christ. The wick will no longer provide heat as their astral body disintegrates upon gravity’s arrival. The last line is a prophecy about Mystery Babylon looking to the sea (the masses) for new recruits while the masses continue reaching for her.
Beach Bound 5/24/99
Cleanse your body and soul within her depths while you roll off her tongue and are lifted from your feet. A rising wave shall drift you away and fall where your spirit awaits. Walls of seaweed gain height from a storm barricading the shoreline complete. Vast possibilities border plush islands giving birth to fluorescent life. I traced verses in the sand that now stretch across the sky I am treading. It is here that seagulls flock to watch fish who leap and dolphins at play, but only the seagulls know when low tides flood and high tides stray.
Explanation: Here we have an entry about the astral plane and rebirth. The waves are symbolic of the golden gods which shall “drift you away and fall where your spirit awaits.” So, River falls at the Viper Room and his soul awaits a new body, thus the line, “giving birth to fluorescent life.” This is in reference to phosphorus and the sugar-phosphates of DNA. The entry also mentions “walls of seaweed” which refers to the dying gods as bricks in a wall. They are the daily sacrifice gaining height from a storm. The verse “I traced verses in the sand that now stretch across the sky I am treading” can be read from River’s perspective: the verses in the sand represent the word of his DNA, and the sky he is treading symbolizes River as a golden god or an alien. The last verse represents the godhead with the seagulls as the familiar spirits, the fish as the dying gods, and the dolphins as the silver chariots.
Litter Bug 5/31/99
Dreams have been spiraling out of control leaving me with a wasted six hours of rest. The other night I found myself combing the beach in search of nameless dead bodies. I hovered up and down the shoreline in one of those blue barrel trash cans that had a propeller on each side to navigate. “This is really happening” I heard a voice say but could not find a familiar face. “Tomorrow could be the day of freedom if you would just let the sky fall.” I know the life I want to live and this bit of knowledge may well be my ticket out of here.
Explanation: An entry about a strange dream I had, but when viewed from River’s perspective, this dream becomes a vision. It begins with me combing the beach in search of dead bodies. As mentioned above, the beach symbolizes the astral plane where water meets sand, or the soul meets its new body. I hovered up and down the shoreline in a blue barrel trashcan with a propeller on each side to navigate. This signifies River as the golden god (with his soul knit with mine) in search of lost souls to save, just as his was. I heard a voice say, “This is really happening. Tomorrow could be the day of freedom if you would just let the sky fall.” This is in reference to the dying gods letting go and giving their souls over to Jesus, thus, falling from the sky and on to their long homes. The last line can be read from River’s perspective and his new life.
Happily Ever-after 6/13/99
My twenty-second birthday falls tonight on the night of a full moon. I have made a promise to myself. With or without I will abandon this ship and head for higher ground. I will go alone walking hand in hand with courage leading the way. As of now I know my purpose, and I know the life I want to live. Another year was put on hold but my watch was discovered dead yesterday morning. Right on time. Big plans hang heavily in the air with no strings attached. I have seen dreams become forgotten along with the Monday morning trash, and who do we have to blame? I’ll let you know what happens.
Explanation: An entry about the end of all of this and living beyond the dome with no strings attached. “Big plans hang heavily in the air.” So they do.
De-Ja-Vu 12/16/95
As soon as I awake I can remember them for a split second. When the day is started they disappear and go into hiding. A while later, say three months, the dreams will come back to me from out of nowhere. I’ll be driving down the road planning out my day and then it hits me. A familiar scene plays through my mind sparking even more recognition. In a minute’s time I have remembered the dream in its entirety. Once I ponder the occurrence, I get a very strong feeling that I have witnessed this “scene” before. Perhaps a reoccurring dream that refuses to be uncovered? Perhaps nothing more than the mind playing tricks.
Explanation: An entry about dreams and triggering the subconscious mind.
Sequel 8/9/99
It is time again to drop a verse for my stranger friend. In summer’s hold we continue to swelter but in the shade of a nearby forest I sit content with the breath of your breeze. Lazy today from too many excuses digested to alter the pain of whatever. But I was near even past the clouds or at least the first layer. Someone said you were faking, that you had the heart of a hypocrite and the appetite of a carnivore. They got the best of you even after the game had ended. All has not been well. Your presence is needed now more than ever to steal the show with your intensity and grace.
Explanation: Another reference to River as my stranger friend or the familiar spirit. The line “in summer’s hold we continue to swelter” refers to the seed being planted and preparing the meat for harvest. In other words, awakening the kundalini flame and the coming flood. “The shade of a nearby forest” refers to being overshadowed by the forest of my mind and unaware of the familiar spirit (“the breath”) that disguised itself as the wind. The “digested excuses” refers to the fruit of my word. The line “I was near even past the clouds” is in reference to my near-death experience, coming into contact with my spirit spouse, and very nearly traveling the astral plane. I then go on to describe River (from the point of view of “they”) as being a hypocrite and having the “appetite of a carnivore.” This is in reference to communing with a different god (a strange god) and eating of the same spiritual meat. It also refers to the more physical sense of the sugar-phosphates of my DNA linking us (me, River, and the familiar spirit) together. The line “they got the best of you even after the game had ended” was written in reference to the media circus that followed after River’s fall at the Viper Room. In a deeper sense, it refers to the golden gods (they) stealing his soul. The last line of the entry is another prophecy about River’s return from the dead.
Verses for Him 8/10/99
Never have I seen such beauty in a dream where wishes are redeemed and you were still alive. But all the daises scream and every Redwood leaned to catch just one last scene, how will we all survive?
Kind mother bow your head tonight for the first was the first to go. Brave father arm yourself to fight for we shall reap what we sow.
Little girls with preteen boppers stealing kisses from their bedroom walls. But you touched my heart, you were more than just that. Hollywood agents fill their pockets selling your image to the porcelain dolls. But you touched my heart, you were more than just that.
Explanation: Three verses for River. The first verse is another prophecy about his return from the dead. The line “all the daisies scream” refers to the golden gods. Like unwiring a daisy chain, they will be cut off from the dying gods as the souls are sent to their long homes. The third verse points to the idol in my heart. Most disturbing is the line “selling your image to the porcelain dolls.” So, here we have a reference to the dying gods being turned to idols of stone like whited sepulchers.
Unmentionable 8/11/99
To look at the situation from a different perspective is a road I would like to travel only once. Every day I dwell in the path of your tragedy that took its toll on a kindred spirit several years ago. The world was dumbfounded, or at least those of us who cared. We are dangerously close to the new millennium which saddens me for I hate to leave the nineties behind. This was your era and in this generation you were made a leader even if not by choice, but too many punches were thrown leaving you to grasp for the sidewalk. In one single second you were immortalized. Forever young. Forever beautiful. Time no longer has the ability to cast its voodoo upon you. Already at twenty-two I have lost meaning and excitement for each new day. Just imagine what twenty-two more years will do. We shall never have to witness you go through this. You will always be graceful and authentic.
Explanation: Another entry about River, this one attempts to focus on the positive side of his death. Now that I know the truth of the matter, it takes on a whole new meaning (as with most of these entries). River was made (seemingly) immortal by the new body he was given. The line “every day I dwell in the path of your tragedy” now refers to this great mystery that attempts to run me down as well on a daily basis. The “kindred spirit” is a reference to the familiar spirit. The phrase “we are dangerously close to the new millennium” is a time prophecy indicating the revelation of this vast conspiracy and the consequences that will follow. I indicate that I was twenty-two when I wrote this, and like the 22 genetically encoded amino acids, it is part of the riddle of my DNA.
Holding Out 8/11/99
I have my fantasy man hiding in my bedroom closet waiting for a human form to occupy. He is soft spoken and his tongue bares depth. His frame is defined but slender, and his hands, oh his beautiful hands. They are gentle and careful with fingers that are blessed with length and smoothness except for the tips which are calloused from strumming a guitar. Maybe he even plays the piano. He would have to with hands like that. He moves with natural grace and believes that we are all worth the universe for life is a gift not a chore. His spirit is free and heart true to whomever he holds dear. When he kisses me my body melts but those hands mold me back together connecting me with his body giving me strength and assurance. So far no one has come close.
Explanation: A rather personal entry inspired by River. Although an innocent daydream about a knight in shining armor, it takes on a darker meaning when viewed from my current disposition. The fantasy man would be the familiar spirit, the harp player strumming a guitar, oscillating on the same wavelength. He is the so-called handler that relentlessly tries to mold me like potter’s clay. He is the machinist in constant strife to reconnect with me. He is a fake and a thief.
Dream: Interruptions 8/23/99
I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs the other night from a nightmare but I can’t even remember what it was about. The entire household was awaken from my bellow but I was still somewhat out of it. To me it sounded like a faint peep so I didn’t pay any mind but Gwen was in the room and she was shaking me and asking if I was alright, I moaned “yes”, and dozed back off. That was the first time I have ever done anything like that, I don’t even talk in my sleep. There was a giant spider, that much I can remember but the rest is completely void. I’ve been having nightmares steadily for the past two months but I can never remember them. I’ll wake up in the morning freezing because I am covered in sweat and the fan is blowing directly on me. An uneasy feeling consumes me but the dream itself is a mystery. I’ve also been waking up in the middle of the night from an asthma attack, and I’m thinking that this might be connected with the nightmares. Sleep is no longer pleasant.
Explanation: Written on River’s birthday, I describe waking up screaming from a nightmare about a giant spider. So, here we have the evil net of the golden gods or the weaver’s beam of the giants.
Seven-Year Anniversary 10/29/99
Where did you go on an early Sunday morning? Among big wigs, plastic masks and covering white sheets you stumbled around anonymously. But I would have followed like a hidden camera to see you running to catch your breath. What did you find in that room with a view? Overlooking the city that hovers like your ghost where ghouls wait to greet you and the witches brew is tasted, but I heard a spell that was cast into your ear. Where are you now as the days push us near? Halloween is dressed up like a bad memory this year taunting your favor like a de-ja-vu reborn, but I can still remember what a time it was to have you with us.
Explanation: An entry about River’s last night at the Viper Room.
Phantom in the Woods 10/30/99
There was something watching that day through the shadows of the woods. It followed behind with the trees stepping as I did, inhaling as I did, swallowing as I did. I remember my eyes darting upward and then behind, but when the corners were uncovered nothing appeared. My disturbance to these parts was quite innocent but the idea of such a presence here among immense wickedness that has been tucked away for ages was too much for this force to ignore. I think something was brought back with me. “What evil lurks beyond this trail?”
Explanation: Another entry describing my reoccurring dream about some haunted woods. It eerily describes the workings of the golden gods and their weapon of choice: the evil net. As it turned out, this reoccurring dream was in direct reference to the forest in Stand by Me with the painted faces and cartoon caricatures. On a whole, it was another prophetic dream about all of this. I mention that there was something brought back with me – a reference to the familiar spirit as well as River. Also, it was written on All Hallow’s Eve.
Verses for River 10/31/99
Maybe I just wasn’t properly prepared for the occasion. Sometimes there is nothing that can be said.
Washed away. Clean off a table for two and swallow the leftovers. I keep you in my closet well preserved.
You said nothing could bring you back to a dying world, but there are chores left to be done. There are songs left to be sung.
Just a day away and all the things to say on a passing cloud you lay with resting wings in evening’s ray it’s just a day away.
Explanation: Written on the sixth anniversary of River’s death, below are four verses that (unwittingly) prophesy his return from the dead. The second one is especially intriguing as it refers to the words on the table of his heart being swept clean and rewritten. The last sentence of verse two is in reference to my dream.
Widows of Phantom Brides 2/21/06
You keep waiting and it finally comes, in unfamiliar territory, you find the strangest doors.
If I ever have a love of my own, I hope he looks and acts and dreams exactly like you. Tainted throwbacks sporting suntanned rings, I hope I have the pleasure of taking first. Coupled misery and faded passion monopolize social circles and remind me of my chosen status. To grow old alone puts the fear in even the strongest, but at least my time will be my own, and my passing will not induce sadness, but if it does and I give in to brides in wedding dresses, I hope to leave behind a widower just like you.
Explanation: For River
Drawing Near 9/6/16
The end of chaos is in sight. I can see it smiling at me in the near distance, my closing statement, my call to action, my last attempt at clearing a fog of confusion that only a third party can truly accomplish. The defense and persecution rests – it’s time to move on. What I have endured for the past year, what I have uncovered, what I have learned is enough to land anyone in a straight-jacket. Fortunately, I’m not just anyone. I’m the devil’s worst nightmare, and God only knows the truth behind this statement. God only knows the living hell that has been my life for the past year. In all honesty, it’s nothing I want to write about. I don’t wish to relive it, or explain it, or even briefly discuss the more engaging details of it – I only wish to forget it, but that is an impossibility for me. I won’t let my mind be erased. I won’t let my thoughts be forgotten, or covered up, or replaced with some artificial imitation of life. I won’t let the devil win. That, my friends, is a battle I will fight alongside Jesus when the time is finally at hand. I don’t wish to discuss it but yet I have to. I’m a writer, that’s what I do. It’s my release, my God-given talent that I refuse to let the devil use against me. I refuse to back down. The end is in sight because I say it is, because it was written nearly twenty years ago in one of my journals (because that’s how the devil works) but I’m getting way ahead of myself. For now, I need only to concentrate on healing and taking my life back. I need to put things in perspective and separate the wheat from the tares – an ongoing task but one that is becoming easier and easier. It seems that all of my dreams have come true, not the goals and expectations I set for myself, not the pleasant daydreams that rescue me from my current reality, but my actual dreams. The reoccurring ones, the ones that stay with me even after the morning haze has been replaced with coffee, these are the dreams that have come to fruition – all except for one that is. It’s the one that keeps me awake at night and haunts me during the day when my mind is unoccupied and free to wonder. It’s the one that has me thinking that the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ is soon at hand.
Word Warrior 9/7/16
One thing I’ve learned in all of this is not to think about the enemy too much. The enemy never wants to admit defeat. Even when the fat lady sings, the enemy will grasp at straws in a vain attempt to maintain control of the situation. It’s a form of psychological warfare that falls absurdly short when you refuse to listen. When you reject their empty threats, it doesn’t matter if the fat lady sings or not – the battle has already been won. I would like to send a word of warning out to my own enemies, and that is, whose side do you think God is on? Surely not those who conjure devils and bully those who respect and abide by His rules. Truly I say unto you, repent and draw back your sword for your mischief will fall upon your own plate. My enemy I will not fear for I am on the side of righteousness. All secrets will be revealed for there is nothing new under the sun. Your time of terror is drawing to a close and we who have lived under your fists of iron shall be made free. Mark my words, you will scatter and cower like dogs when the thunder rolls in with the wrath of God…Best not to think about the enemy too much, their words are not worth my time.
Beyond the Dome 9/7/16
Despite it all, I do still dream. When the last post is delivered and the darkness shrinks back into itself, I hope that we Outsiders will hug and cry tears of joy upon realizing our triumph over the enemy. I can’t begin to imagine the years and decades of anguish my famous friends have had to endure. I hope they finally have some peace, and perhaps even newfound faith in Jesus Christ.
I do still dream. Beyond the reach of my current task, I still dream of that house in the mountains where all my friends and family dwell and days are spent in happiness and love for one another. It’s impossible to know what the future brings or what the results will be of this year-long prison, but I trust that something good will come of it, something wonderful, something beyond my wildest dreams. I retain hope that the end of this living hell will bring something far greater than I could ever imagine. I trust in God’s will but I can’t help but wonder what the rest of His plan entails. As for my faith, my faith has been put on trial repeatedly, relentlessly, but I pray now more than I ever have in my entire life. And isn’t that the silver lining in all of this? In the end and through it all, my walk with God is stronger now than it’s ever been in my entire life. What more could I ask for?
Letter to River Phoenix 9/8/16
So, what do you think about all of this? Your story is finally being told, the true story, as much as it can be anyway. I knew it wasn’t a drug overdose. Anyone who looks at the research and really takes it to heart, well, you know the rest. Maybe someday in the near future your music will finally be released along with your last movie. Maybe your name will once again grace the airwaves. Maybe your name will once and for all be cleared of the lies that taint your memory. To be honest, if I knew that telling your story would bring so much chaos into my life, there’s no way I would have pursued it. Even now, as the smoke slowly drifts away and I am finally left with a clear path, I’m still apprehensive when presented with the material. But your friends never forgot you. They dedicated their lives to your memory in the hopes of one day fulfilling your dream of exposing and conquering the enemy. As an outsider, I was clueless to how dreadfully difficult this dream was to see to fruition. You once said you wanted to “take the devil’s gold and use it for God”…My dear River, consider it done.
The Apple and the birdcage 