A journal by Kirk Niemann
1994 to 1995 (Aged 20 – 21)
There’s two reasons why I’ve started a diary: Everything is lost in time. In time, memories are distorted to match the pattern of a person’s mind. I want to look back on what I’ve experienced and relive the moment. I don’t want memories to increase or lessen the emotions I felt. The second reason is that this night is a new beginning for me. I have my magic back, not as great as it once was but I do feel it again. From this day forth I shall live like a lion!! The only thing that’s ever held me back is my philosophy. I am destined for greatness. Today has been an interesting day. My grandmother said that she “doesn’t trust Cheryl and me with the farm” and because of this my dad has abolished all family ties with the family. I will miss the farm. It was my peace of mind.
May 22, 1994
I enjoyed my first day at Yellowstone. I am situated by Yellowstone Lake and it was a very eventful move. I met many people and all were very nice. I find it hard to breathe here and I’m glad I quit smoking a week ago 🙂 !! I’m hardly smoking any pot too!! I met several girls, one that has the prettiest blue eyes. Her name is Virginia and she’s from Pennsylvania. She works at the same place I do. Have to wake up at 6:45 😦
Grant Village’s Elevation – 7,770 feet
May 23, 1994
Long and boring day. I did not sleep well and there is something terribly wrong with my knee. It hurts to walk. I was so stressed I wasn’t much company for Virginia. I’m feeling low. I wrote a cool song today.
Worlds Away Worlds away is all I can say My eyes have turned to gray I cannot feel Saw you in a dream and meaningless it seems that we should meet today oh how we've turned away I cannot feel
May 24, 1994
Finally got sleep and I’m about to crash again. Doctor said it was nothing serious. The land is beautiful out here but the world is still the same. I saw Virginia this morning. I expect too much from everything. I think that if I was never exposed to people, my moments of sadness would cease to be. What can I do? It seems that my love for life is based on the distance I keep from other people. Maybe someday love will bridge the gap.
May 25, 1994
Although I’m not totally removed from everyone, this is a very magical place. I saw a shooting star while I was playing the guitar and I feel it was meant for me. I rearranged the room and it feels more like home. I had a great conversation with several girls and it was spiritually uplifting. Virginia’s ex-roommate, Colleen, has a very beautiful soul. Even though people are mostly the same, this place seems to attract people with more depth. The woods are alive!!
May 26, 1994
Long day at work. I have tomorrow off and I’m driving way out into the woods with Colleen. I hate getting stoned here because you can’t get away from people. I don’t have much to write about. Guess I better try and sleep. It feels good to be so far away from everything I used to know.
May 27, 1994
I bought myself a nice rosewood pen today in Jackson. I had fun hanging out with Colleen. We saw a baby bald eagle with a chipmunk in her claws. I love it here but I could do without the people. Have to wake up kind of early.
Circles The kid's safe in a shell Our god will teach him well from the womb into hell no more shallow wells and no more broken dreams I give you back this life you tried to sell Chorus Walk in circles till the day we die Devil's passion in your eyes One for the road one more cuz I'm cold take me to my car lost on the brink so much, I can't think all my troubles fade under the rock, the devil will stop and light will lead the way Chorus Walk in circles till the day we die Devil's passion in our eyes till we die till we die till we die
Don't need a thing, just the air to breathe and stay away, my sobriety In love with the world is lack of harmony I don't dare I don't care Chorus Say a prayer for the chosen ones may they find what I fear and in the night I can hear her voice growing near Choke on a bone every time I try Romance in the dark, playing to candlelight In love with her stare, her mind is a fatal fight I don't dare I don't care
Jesus was a gentle man challenge the god of material things Friend's on his way to meet the man driving too fast in his Chevrolet Your dying day It's your dying day Those who meet fire are so deserving you know that's what the preacher man says if only he heard me cursing cuz taking his life was a sin Your dying day your dying day (In memory of Pat)
July 10, 1994
It’s been a very long time since I’ve written in my diary. My knee is still messed up and it really bums me out. I don’t know what to think of it anymore. My mom is supposed to be here Thursday. I haven’t had any romantic encounters with girls and a friend of mine (Pat) was killed in a car accident not long ago. He was coming back from a Dead show in Oregon. I went walking in the woods today and found a teepee. I also got up really close to an owl. He didn’t seem to be scared of me.
Another King You can't drink the water trees of the land fall down her heart's beating softer the man in the moon has a frown Her seas are divided territory for another king and all the mountains we're climbing seem so small when we're finally free when we're finally free I'm finally free Mother oh mother - what can I do Mother oh mother - I'm sorry too
July 19, 1994
Had a cool time hanging out with Mom. I’ve been hanging out with this Maria woman. I like her but I think she thinks I’m too young. We hiked to Riddle Lake together. My knee is finally getting better. I thought it would never heal. I’m planning a 12 mile hike to Delusion Lake. I hope my knee holds out. I’m extremely high right now. I’m planning on spending a year deep in the woods. I want to separate myself so bad. I get to sleep in. HURRAY!!
July 25, 1994
I don’t write in this thing as much as I should. My room is getting very messy. Got a letter from Andrea today. I tripped the other night with some friends and had a good time. The other night I went to Jackson for my friend’s 21st B-Day. I got in!! My ID went out in style. I’m gonna try working out on a regular basis. I want to get big. I don’t think Maria likes me in that way. Oh well. I think I need to start focusing in on myself and my thoughts. My time is now! I don’t want to go back to Houston. I hate people who snore!!! I…
Plant words to learn
- Learn what Iris shoots look like – they resemble cattail shoots
- What’s a shoot?
- What’s a chaff
August 5, 1994
Went to Jackson the other night and hit some bars. Lawrence puked on my shirt. Almost got fired last night for jamming too loud. I’m walking on very thin ice. Have to wake up at 6:00.
August 8, 1994
Went hiking the other day with Christy. We went to Solution Creek and swam in the cold lake. The next day we hiked to Heart Lake. We crossed the geyser basin. It’s not a very smart thing to do because it’s easy to fall in. The ground can cave in on you and you could die!! Christy wasn’t too happy about it. We hiked almost 12 miles (the longest I ever walked). I’m in a van right now heading to West Yellowstone for buds. If we don’t find any then we’re heading to Idaho.
August 12, 1994
Went hiking to Delusion Lake and then to the other side of Lake Yellowstone. Took the shoreline back. I went skinny dipping in Delusion. I’m glad I didn’t swim long because I found a leach on me. The mountain range on the other side of Yellowstone Lake was spectacular. A mountain storm rolled in and I was concerned about being struck by lightning. It snowed on me a little too. I was between 6 and 8 miles from home. It was so spiritual. I saw 4 bald eagles but no bears. I met 2 old men on my hike and they spoke of 2 moose close by. The storm frightened me, I wasn’t sure of any location and it was getting late so I didn’t look for them. I saw two hot springs on my way back. I got back as the sun was setting and it was incredible. The sunset’s reflection was in the form of a rainbow in the east sky. I then went to a fire gathering, drank beer and watched a meteor shower. The sound of thunder was still in my mind that night. It took me to sleep.
August 15, 1994
Long day at work. I’ve been doing some thinking and I think I’m gonna stay sober for a while. I’ve been pretty hard on this body. I saw Christy tonight. I played the guitar and put her to sleep. For some reason I always make an ass of myself in front of her. Maybe it’s because she’s the first real intelligent girl I’ve met. She’s also a pretty California girl (with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair). Good Night!!
Oh yeah – Maria is fucking a guy with rotten teeth. This isn’t a good sign of things to come. 😦
August 23, 1994
So much is wasted in time. Our dreams grow taller and our breath grows shorter. The meaning of life? Who cares – There is no meaning in the search for reason. (Only an empty void) All things smaller than me bring me down. Wasteful thoughts control my mind – turning flirtatious demons into living problems. How much has past? Full moon fever!!
August 24, 1994
It seems that all I do is work and sleep. I have to wake up again at 5:30 in the morning and work 9 hours. Hopefully I’ll be awake enough to go on a hike with Christy. Tomorrow is Christmas in Yellowstone. I’m thinking about getting Christy a stuffed animal. Sometimes I wonder why I try.
August 30, 1994
14 hour hike | 7:30am to 9:00pm |
Went hiking a couple of days ago to the Flat Mountain. The walk there was rough – everything was burnt from the fires in ’88. When I reached my destination (five miles later at 100 degrees east) the forest opened up. The area was untouched by the fires and huge fir trees and yellow meadows made up the landscape. The Flat Mountain rose above the Lake Yellowstone arm and I was on a rocky ridge overlooking it all. I yelled “This is fucking incredible!” I then heard a bear moan below me. I freaked out!! I started yelling and singing hoping to scare the bear off. There was a distinct trail along the ridge. I started walking down it very fast, noticing the bear claw marks on the trees and the bear scat. I pulled out my pepper spray and I didn’t know whether to run or to climb up a tree. I made it to a meadow below the ridge. I noticed a group of caves below where I was standing. My friend was inside somewhere. At this point I was farther away from the bear and I felt a little safer. I noticed this metal thing in the distance and went to check it out. It was a big drainage pipe caged in on both sides. I figured it was a cage used to relocate a troubled grizzly bear. I was extremely nervous. My mission was to climb Flat Mountain and I thought about going home. I figured I’d feel like a wimp if I didn’t climb it so I continued on. The Flat Mountain was flat from a glacier that moved through it. It was really rugged 200 feet from the peak. (Many boulders and orange pillars) I grabbed on to tree roots and secure rocks to help myself up. There were bear claw marks all the way up. Halfway up, two bald eagles flew over me. I got a really good look at them (awesome). I took this as a good omen and figured I’d make it out alive. At the top I enjoyed an incredible view. I could see the whole lake and the red mountains. I ate dinner and noticed it was getting late. To save time, I slid down a steep part of the mountain. It was much easier than the way up but I ruined a pair of pants and cut up my hands. I sang and made noise all the way home (I was getting on my own nerves). I took the same route home and saw claw marks all the way. The walk home was rough. I was worn out from climbing the mountain. I returned home a little after sunset and saw a cool lightning show. Awesome hike!!
September 3, 1994
Borrowed Doug’s truck and drove into Jackson the other day. Went to the dentist and drove around town for a while. I saw a male moose on the way there. I called Andrea tonight. I really enjoy her voice. I have the day off tomorrow and I’ll probably go hiking somewhere. I thought I might go with Christy but it doesn’t look like she wants to be around me.
September 6, 1994
Ended up going hiking with Christy after all. We left at 10:00 in the morning and took the tour bus to Canyon Village. We then walked 3 miles up to Mnt. Washburn. I was disappointed to see so many people at the top but the view made up for it. We could see the entire park (No bighorn sheep :() The wind was blowing about 60 miles an hour and it was cold. We were somewhere over 10,000 feet. We took the 8 mile hike down and saw no one on the way. The hike back was a bitch (I’m still sore three days later). We saw a cool geyser basin and a HUGE grizzly claw mark on the way. The claw mark was 8 feet high on a tree and tore off a trail marker. The forest escaped the fires of ’88, it was refreshing. Our hike ended by the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. I stood out on a rock and looked straight down (awesome). We had a great view of the Cascade Falls and we could hear the roar of the river below. We hitchhiked back and met many interesting people along the way. We got back at 8:00 and ate dinner at the steakhouse. I really enjoyed her company. If I saw her with another man I’d be jealous! My job sucks – I work all the fucking time!!!
September 10, 1994
Tonight I’m going camping out in the Beartooth Mts. with some friends and Christy. I want to go but I don’t like being around Christy because she makes me feel lonely. (An emotion I know all too well). She’ll be gone soon and I don’t know if I’ll ever forget her. I’m really sick of working here. I can’t wait to leave but I can’t imagine being back in Houston. I have to figure out how to get my guitar there.
September 12, 1994
Went on an overnight camping trip yesterday to the Beartooth Mts. I went with Christy and Dave. I drove Shell’s car all the way there!! All of us were hung over so we got off to a late start. When we reached our destination we saw a cool mountain peak and decided to climb it. (Sheep Mt.) It was a tough climb to the top but we made it. (Somewhere over 10,000 ft) Halfway up it snowed on us a little. When we reached the top we were greeted by an awesome view. The Beartooth Mountain Range is by far the most magnificent thing I’ve ever seen. I watched a rainbow form in the distance and saw the snow drift across the range. The sunset was incredible!!! There was a huge meadow on top of Sheep Mountain and we were surprised to find what appeared to be a burial ground and remnants of structures built long ago. We found a definite treasure!! It started to get late so we headed back and 45 minutes after the sun went down, we noticed we were lost. For the next four hours we wandered around aimlessly, hungry and so tired. Our patience was growing thin but we still maintained our sense of humor. We were stumbling over rocks and our flashlights were growing dim. On top of everything else, we were in the heart of grizzly country. I saw the best shooting stars I’d ever seen and shortly after, we realized where we were. All throughout the hike we kept smelling this god-awful smell. I thought maybe it was just the countryside but I’ve heard that you can smell a bear before you see him. The smell came in spurts and it makes me wonder if a bear was following us around. We passed a cave on the way back and we all got really nervous. Christy held my hand from that point on and Dave held on to my shoulder. It got really dark and started raining. Luckily, we found a trail that headed back to our campsite. We made it back at 2:00 in the morning. There was a strange man hanging out near our campsite and we all got eerie vibes from him so we drove into Cooke City to get a hotel. Nothing was available so we set up camp at a different site. I’ve never been so tired in my life!! I awoke to Christy’s beautiful face. I had to change a flat on Shell’s car and then we ATE!! 🙂 We then drove back to Grant Village and went to work. Crazy Hike – Best I’ve ever had!!
September 14, 1994
Christy is leaving soon and the weather outside is quite dreary. I don’t feel too well. I have to work tonight and early tomorrow morning. I quit writing in this fucking thing.
September 16, 1994
Christy is leaving tomorrow and I’m sad, almost numb. She brings out so many emotions in me – happiness, security, love, inferiority, sadness. I’ll never meet someone like her again (especially in Houston). The only reason I was able to get to know her is because we live in the same place, we eat together, hang out together. In the real world- no one gets to know me. She stood out more than anyone. I could have fallen deeply for her. I think I’m about to get fired. My keys are locked in my trunk so I’m having to write outside my journal. It’s getting very cold out and it seems to fit the mood I’m in. Alone forever.
September 17, 1994
Weird twist. I got fired and I’m on my way to Glacier with Christy and Jayme. I just saw my roommate at West Yellowstone and George at the Safeway in Bozeman. What the fuck? This really cute girl just came by and asked me to buy her beer. This town is cool. I have about $650 dollars and I don’t think it’s enough to get me back to Texas. I think Terri might come back to Texas with me. Gotta Go!!
September 19, 1994
I’m in Canada right now. Christy and I have been close the past couple of nights but tonight she seems to be blowing me off. I don’t know if it’s something that I did or if she’s having her time of month. We did a hike in Glacier today. We hiked about 10 miles round trip and our destination was a lake full of icebergs. I called my mom and she said she’s gonna send me more money. That will help me with my trip back home. I’m going back to Yellowstone on Tuesday and I’m going to Seattle on Wednesday (I think). It hurts me to sleep next to Christy and not hold her. Every time I start to gain faith in someone, I’m let down (or maybe I let myself down). I suppose I still have the rest of my trip to look forward to. I just enjoy being close too much. I’ve been left alone for too long. The coyotes are really loud tonight. There’s a bright full moon and it marks change!! Who knows what will happen next.
Bear Hump | September 20, 1994
Day got off to a rocky start. Christy told me soberly that she doesn’t like me. “I don’t like being physical. I’m weird like that.” I was going to go on a hike with them and our paddle boat sank, destroying our cameras. After that, I saw the evil side to her. I’ve never felt so much coldness from a person I was so intimate with (except for my Dad). After the boat sank and we had our little talk, I decided to hike on my own. I was and still am really hurt. I saw this cool looking mountain so I decided to climb up it. It was my first rock-climbing experience. Some of the cliffs I climbed up were rather intimidating but I made sure I had a firm grip and toughed it out. When I reached the top I was surprised to find a group of elderly people eating lunch. Ends up, there was a trail going up the backside of the mountain. They thought I was crazy for climbing it. I took the trail back down and I saw one deer and two does. I got within six feet from them and I watched them eat. When I got back to the truck, Christy and Jayme still weren’t back so I walked around Waterton, Canada. It’s a gorgeous little town and the people were really friendly. People came up to me out of nowhere and started talking to me. It almost made me forget about Christy. Tomorrow I’m gonna have to spend the night in Yellowstone and I’ll need to plan my next move. I’ve been doing a lot of praying lately and I feel my faith in God is growing. I think that things just might work out. Sleep in sadness.
September 21, 1994
Christy is gone. It’s weird, but, no matter how hard I tried to feel the same way I felt, I couldn’t. I’m so confused right now and extremely STONED!! I smoked a big ole blunt. Christy is a million miles away and it doesn’t seem to bother me like I thought it would. I’m spending the night in my old room and I have to figure out what to do.
September 22, 1994
Spent the night in Terri’s room last night. I’m totally not supposed to be here but come Monday I’ll be on my way to Canada with Terri. I really want to see Glacier Park with snow everywhere. I went to Lake last night and I hung out with an old friend (Anne). We got so baked. Around midnight, Shell and I decided to do a moonlight hike. (Elephant Back). When we got to the top we were greeted by a beautiful view of the lake. I’m on my way to Bozeman with Terri and Shell. Gotta Go!!
September 23, 1994
Spent the night in Terri’s cabin last night and I’m about to do the same tonight. I’m sly!! I hung out with Bill today. We went to West Yellowstone and hung out and then we decided to do a short little hike (Purple Mountain – 6 miles). It was a somewhat tough climb to the top. The view was pretty cool. We could see the whole Old Faithful area and more. Instead of taking the trail back, we decided to slide down. It was lots of fun!!! 🙂 We were 3 times as fast going down. On the way back we stopped and had a beer, played pool, and ate pizza.
Good Day!!!
Trip Mileage
To Bozeman -127 miles
To Helena – 125 miles total – 424 miles
To East Glacier – 172 miles
Crazy estimate to Seattle – 838
To Portland – 193 miles
To California – 337 miles
To San Francisco – 365 miles
To LA – 400 miles
To Vegas – 300 miles
TOTAL = 3,402 round to 3,500 miles
$380 in gas
$190 each
September 24, 1994
Didn’t do much today. I went for a walk in the woods and a HUGE bull elk walked right by me. I heard him bugle from 20 feet away. It was spectacular. I then walked by the lake and watched the others take their nightly swim. I’ve been sort of sad all day so I decided to call Mom. She didn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I do. It all stems from social interaction. My dealings with people are unfulfilling to say the least. Tonight I’m supposed to go camping at Duck Overlook with some friends. That might be what I need. Tomorrow is my last night at Yellowstone. I’ll miss this place but I’m ready to leave. Tonight I realized that I consider Yellowstone Lake my friend and my home.
September 28, 1994
Terri and I are about 700 miles away from Glacier Park. My last day at Yellowstone was a good one. I took a hike down the lake to Solution Creek and I saw my old friend, the bald eagle, for one last time. The trip out here has been so cool. The aspen trees are beautiful in the autumn. I think I made a mistake traveling with a girl. We’re getting nowhere. We just stopped to do laundry. Oh well. I’ll be home soon.
September 29, 1994
The coyotes were really loud last night. Terri and I were both woken up. A ranger made us leave the campground at 8:00 in the morning so we got off to an early start. We hiked over to Iceberg Lake but unfortunately there were no icebergs. The lake was centered in the middle of a couple glaciers and it was really pretty. We then hiked up to Ptarmigan Tunnel. The rise in elevation was steep and it made hiking difficult. On our way we saw many mountain goats and pronghorn sheep. The tunnel was closed for the season so we climbed to the top to see where it led. The view was kick-ass!! So colorful. I hope my camera still works. In all, we hiked about 14 miles. We are camping out at the same place Christy and I did. It makes me think. The remnants of our last stay are still visible. I never mentioned the sunrises at Grant Village. SPECTACULAR!! It’s got to be the most beautiful place to watch a sunrise in the world. Every morning at 5:45, as I walked to work, I would see the sun climb over the Absaroka Mountain Range. The fog from the lake, smoke from the wild fires, and the morning clouds would totally enhance the sun’s glow. It always made me feel better about being up so early.
September 30, 1994
We’re camping at the same spot tonight. We tried going to Canada today but they wouldn’t let us in because Terri has a DUI. I ended up hiking to Grinnell Glacier again, this time with Terri. The icebergs had melted some but it was still killer. Huge mountains shoot up out of the water and glaciers rest at the foot of the mountains. On the way back we saw some mountain goats and BIGHORN SHEEP!! We also saw a beaver taking a swim and a little otter. (Everything but a bear) I never mentioned the snow in Yellowstone. It snowed twice. Once in June and once in July. The lodgepole pines look beautiful in the snow. Everything looks so serene. Yellowstone belongs in the snow. There’s so much I didn’t write about. My knee was really bothering me, thus, I couldn’t do any of the things I wanted to do. Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best of spirits and was in no mood to write. I think I drank instead. Now I’m healed and I’m having a sober good time. I’m kinda getting a taste of married life hanging out with Terri. We try to be nice to each other but I don’t think we really like each other. It’s weird. I can’t wait to be in Seattle. Later!!
October 1, 1994
I’m in a motel watching Beavis and Butthead and we’re heading to Seattle tomorrow. Went on a couple of hikes today. (Barring Falls and Virginia Falls) I wanted to go on a longer hike but it was still cool. We decided to take off early because it got cold and wet. I saw my first bear today on my way out of the park. It was a little black bear. It’s ironic that I saw it right before I left. I’ve been wanting to see one for the past five months. The forest in Glacier is so lush and colorful in comparison to Yellowstone. I wish I could have spent more time in Glacier. It’s hard to imagine that I’ll be back in Houston in a week. I don’t know if I’m looking forward to it or dreading it.
October 2, 1994
Woke up to snow on the mountains and a feeling of love in my heart. This town, Seattle, has greeted me with the utmost hospitality. 40 miles outside of the city I saw the best shooting star I’ve ever seen. (Even bigger than the one in the Beartooths) It lasted for at least 5 full seconds. When we got into town I called up Dave and luckily he was there. I’ll be able to crash here until it’s time to leave. We just took a walk to drink a few beers and saw the NORTHERN LIGHTS!! Dave has lived here all his life and has never witnessed such a scene. It’s such a rare occurence to see it from the elevation we’re at. (Sea level) When I first saw it I thought it was a spotlight shining in the clouds. There was a light blue glow in the northern horizon and every so often a bright beam would make its way to the ground. It’s strange the way everything is falling into place here. I was supposed to travel here with Pat. (My friend that was killed.) I wish he could be here!!
October 3, 1994
Hung out in downtown Seattle today. It’s a pretty cool place. Lots of interesting people. We went to the marketplace and I got to see the fish place that’s on the Levi’s commercials. Hung out with a bunch of cool stoners. I’m exhausted!!
October 8, 1994
So many fucking people. I’m at the airport in Seattle and I’ll be in Houston in 8 hours. I really miss Yellowstone. I spent the last couple days in the Hoh Rainforest. I’ve never seen anything like it before. Everything was green. There was a three inch layer of moss on Everything. We did a small hike and mostly just hung out. I spent the night by the Pacific Ocean. It was amazing to be by a body of water that takes up most of the Earth. It puts everything in perspective. Oh yeah, the trees in the rainforest (Spruce) were HUGE!! I’ve never seen anything like them. I forgot what it’s like to deal with people. I’m going crazy. I’d give anything to be back in the wilderness. No more stories to tell. I forgot to mention the Cougar (mountain lion) tracks I think I saw in the rainforest. I also got the eerie feeling that it was watching me and wondering whether or not to attack. It’s funny, I had to avoid grizzly bears in Yellowstone and mountain lions in the rainforests. From what I hear, cougars aren’t that scared of people and on occasions eat elk. I’m now on my way to LA. I might write more when I get there.
October 1994
It’s amazing how big LA is. I just saw the sunset over the Pacific Ocean. (Cool!!) I wish it was still daylight. I’d love to see Arizona’s landscape. I plan on cruisin’ out there as soon as I get a car. I’m beginning to get a little bored. There’s a baby that won’t shut up!!
Your Eyes In your eyes - like the cold surrounding me All the lies - like the shadows chasing me I'm gonna fly away from here I'm gonna fly away from here From my world to yours: I've been waiting for this hour and now I have to scream There's not much I wanted so much I need Help me, Help me, Help me, Help me I'm gonna fly away from here I'm gonna fly away from here
Eye for an Eye And may your heartless love lead you to fall And may you starve to death deep in your wall And your power and pride lead you to die Not an eye for an eye You say an eye for an eye Nothing but an eye for any eye - coming at you Chorus I don't care to see The treasure lies too deep Are you wounded now, attached to a chain And you can't deny, the pleasure's the pain And all the fists you break, A light in your life Not an eye for an eye Said you'd give an eye for an eye Nothing but an eye for an eye I don't care to see The treasure lies too deep
Why do I write? Out of habit I suppose. I’ve grown to be fond of it. I guess the plan is to get a full-time job and when school comes around
Might as well keep myself entertained – Nevermind
Wild boy said - How bad is the crime The sand in my eyes Just another one led past the dream To the end of time Makes me want to forget in the end We all must die And Come Alive And Come Alive Wild boy said - liquor help my health, Broken-hearted son Drape that tied my eyes has come undone With a blinded eye look to the sun And Come Alive And Come Alive And Come Alive And Come Alive
- Ecologists
- geologists
- horticulturists
- geographers
- argonomist
- biologist
- Range Manager
Lord It's hard to breathe oh Lord Oh how they look at me my Lord So far to sink oh Lord How low? How low? How low? It's hard to speak oh Lord Oh how they turn on me my Lord How much in deep oh Lord How low? How low? How low? I'm gonna run from you till the day I die I'm gonna bury all the love you tried to hide And you love it again and again and again oh you loose it again and again and again Say Goodbye Oh now your world is gone yeah now your world is gone Oh now your world is gone
- Forester
- Forest Ecologist
- Park Naturalist
- Geologist
- Hydrologist
- Seismologist
Rising tide and dawn's daylight is on my shoulders Drift on through the day, no sleep at all Love is gone, the night glow long it's feeling colder Drink another fifth, maybe I'll call Took your help for far too long, I'm feeling bolder Your hand is just a crutch, no luxury A little marijuana will help you write some songs A little marijuana will help you write some songs
If all you want to be is not a part of me Don't open your mouth, I'm to blame How lonely a fool can be It's as if I'm hanging from a tree And you mean so much to me you mean so much to me you mean so much to me
To whomever shall read this notebook under unfortunate circumstances: Please make copies of all pages and give it to every one that attends my service!! Thank you.
Broken fragments of my mind Balance on the beam of time And all my love was found within a dream Awaken with an empty stare And fill the lung that grasps for air And all my love was found within a dream Into the ground that gave me life And pass the sun that stole my night And all my love was found within a dream
Fuck You Chico Man Leave my head alone Leave my head alone Leave my head alone To the one who makes me feel so cold The one who makes me sink so low The one who makes me spill Leave my head alone Leave my head alone Leave my head alone
May 22, 1995
Made it to Yellowstone. Salt Lake City was nice. I went for a walk around town – ate at the mall and found a parking garage downtown to smoke a doobie in. Then I found this cool track and jogged a couple of miles – without stopping!! Salt Lake City was a pretty cool town. The next morning I caught the greyhound to West Yellowstone. The bus actually wasn’t too bad. When I got to Yellowstone I met this girl named Callie. She didn’t have a place to stay so I invited her to stay at my hotel. When we got to the hotel this guy I sort of know named Jim asked if he could stay with us because his luggage and money were lost on another bus. The 3 of us got to the hotel and Callie and I decided to go out. We walked around town and everyone was super nice. We decided to eat pizza and play some pool. I had a really nice time with her. We ended up getting drunk together and 4 hours later we were back at the hotel with Jimmy. I should’ve kissed her. I awoke the next day and headed for work. I had to cut my hair. 😦 Everyone I met today was really nice. I already have made plenty of friends. It’s unbelievable the amount of snow on the ground. There’s at least two feet of snow everywhere and Lake Yellowstone is almost completely frozen over. My dorm sucks but the food is awesome!! I went to the pub and found myself alone. Always alone. I saw a great grey owl on my way home. It seemed to be curious or stupid. We drove right up to it and he didn’t move. I hope that I’ll see Callie again but because of that I probably won’t. I need sleep!!
May 24, 1995
I saw a grizzly bear mamma and her 2 cubs feeding on a buffalo carcass. My first grizzly bear to see! My knee is fucked up again. I don’t get it. Every time I come here my knee fucks up. This time it’s a different knee. Went to the pub last night and met Nicole. We ended up kissing and she wanted me to spend the night with her. I didn’t because I had to be at work early and I thought she was a ho. Today I went to her dorm and we kissed again. I met there 2 musicians at her place and they got me high. I met one of the guys (Ray) in Seattle when I was there last October. He was playing the guitar at Pikes Place Market. I’ve also seen people I know from last summer – Anne, Nicky, Jeanie. Anyway, I went to the pub with these 2 guys and I didn’t really pay much attention to Nicole. In fact, I was rather rude to her. Her kiss just doesn’t turn me on and I think she took off with another guy so whatever. I can’t seem to write tonight. Fatigue. I feel so old, alone, and worthless. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this. I can’t even take tomorrow. Perhaps everything is coming to a climax.
I realize that the world is perfect. I know of the balance but I feel that it is at the expense of everything that lives. We are owned by the world. I haven’t felt in so long and if I don’t now, I never will. I would rather die than live a worthless meaningless life. It all runs in circles. Round and Round. I can almost taste it all – Would I be punished? I know my perspective is wrong and I know that somewhere along the line I lost myself and my creator. I would rather fade into nothing that to live a lifetime waiting for eternity. What bothers me most is that I’m too much of a pussy to pull the trigger. It seems to be my only way to lash out at the world. Even the grandest of trails is impossible. If there’s a hell, I’ll probably burn. I’m owned by a God that could never understand. How could he? He’s a God.
So shallow I sink my feet Am I weak So strong I can sing along So ugly and so dumb The one I've become I wish I could see I wish I could be But I'm only me - lonely me And the mirror reflects your eyes - your lies Ugly me, lonely me I feel more than the fool I despise but I'm only - lonely me So drunk I can stay alive Only me - lonely me It's written in your eyes Ugly me - lonely me Wanting to die just to feel your cries Only me - lonely me Biting my tongue just to cry Ugly me - lonely me - and die
All the people I know All the people I see Gaze into the empty and the soul is deep as the sea set it free All the people I know All the people I see Can grin on a face that seems worn Am I torn? A lifetime of faces to see All the people I know All the people I see Can sink so far out of reach Feel the need? To rise so high above me And feed And bleed And breed And all can agree on beauty
And the dust that fill the air under the ray of the sun, only a troubled eye could stare under the ray of the sun, and the blinds that block the heat just block the view
And the stench of death burns the nose under the ray of the sun, and the gift of life never knows under the ray of the sun, and the blinds that block the heat just block the view
The blinds that block the heat just block the view
Milt is a dickhead!! I’m gonna try and get a transfer. Did I mention I saw Ross and Lori Niemann? I saw another grizzly bear today by the side of the road. I’ve been jamming over at the lake dorm all of the time. People always end up getting me high and that’s pretty cool. My knee is still kind of fucked up but I think it may be getting better. Not much on my mind. I’ve just loved playing music lately – I want to create the most beautiful music in the world.
Well I'm down Looking up at you Wear a frown I wish that I could too It's so easy for me to fall asleep It's so easy for me to fall asleep You'll be around But not apart of me Only sound The voice that comforts me It's so easy for me to fall asleep It's so easy for me to fall asleep
Whistle at the sun, pray for tomorrow your empty eyes may still be safe Love you lost in your soul is time you borrowed you know the hour's getting late And you're going too - yeah
Stay - I bleed alone So alone I'll take all that I grow Try to show Again and Again... Rise - only to fall but I'll never crawl Lie - only to talk What am I not Again and Again
June 9, 1995
I’m glad I’m up in the mountains but I hate the people I work with – They’re a bunch of old farts. It’s like working for Granny – but worse. At least my knee is getting better. I’ve been writing some pretty cool songs lately. I’m gonna play at the pub tomorrow night and I hope I don’t get nervous and screw up. No romantic encounters so far. I had a crush on Angie but I get the impression she’s a ho – I give up – They’re all a bunch of ho’s. Did I mention I work for a bunch of assholes? I’m just gonna stop talking to people – I may end up going home early. I saw another grizzly bear the other day. There’s almost a negative force that prevails here. I suppose it’s met by an equally positive force but sometimes I wonder. Powerful spirits hang out in these parts.
Well – open mike night was cancelled. That sucks but at least it gives me more time to plan. I give up on romance. It will never happen. I got my spot moved today. It’s pretty cool. I’m in a corner all by myself. Maybe I can finally get some sleep. Words are as empty as a lonely man’s soul.
June 11, 1995
I went hitchhiking yesterday with Eddie. We got picked up by this couple from California and they had kind bud and mushrooms. We got really high and had a few beers. On the way to Canyon we saw a grizzly bear. He was about 20 yards away eating on a buffalo carcass. We arrived at Canyon and ended up hanging out at Doug’s place. I slept in the back of his truck. He had a mattress set up and it was extremely comfortable. I went out with some friends tonight and I couldn’t feel their laughter. In fact, everyone was getting on my nerves. I really need to change my perspective on life. Got a letter from Margaret and she claims to love me – says she’ll wait for me to come back. I guess I’m the one with the leverage now. Oh yeah, I saw a porcupine the other day – he was hanging out at the employee pub – eating wood. The coyotes were howling at the full moon tonight.
June 13, 1995
Went to the lake last night with Josh, Niki, Eddie and Paul. We got extremely drunk under the full moon. I played the guitar for them and Josh says I could become famous. I got so drunk I don’t remember going home.
June 14, 1995
Not much happened today. It’s my second day sober and I feel pretty good. I plan on doing an overnight hike in Hayden Valley. Spending the night in Hayden is absolutely forbidden due to all the bears in the area – it should be a lot of fun!!
July 21, 1995
Went on the Hayden Valley hike over the weekend with Max. We hiked up to Elephant Back where we met several cute girls. Then we bushwacked north to the valley. We hiked through 3 miles of 3 feet of snow. I saw a coyote and a marmot along the way. When we finally reached the valley we set up camp. We built a fire to warm up our shoes and socks and ended up burning our socks. The bison were visible from our tent and we watched them ram heads. There were several buffalo carcasses in the area and Max saw a big bear grazing not far from the tent the next morning. We broke several rules. Not only did we camp out in Hayden Valley, we slept with our food in the tent and we threw food scraps all around us. I froze my ass off in the night and we set out the next morning. The hike through the valley was somewhat challenging. The sagebrush was thick and the rain and wind were cold. Along the way we heard a baby cub bark in the distance. He was in a nearby batch of trees with his mother. Needless to say, we went around. Oh yeah!! We camped out by this unmapped thermal feature. There was several hot springs and gullies filled with boiling mud. You could see holes where the bison had fallen in. I got several cool rock samples. Anyway, when we reached the road I threw my thumb out and instantaneously we got a ride. The guy that picked us up was studying to be a pastor and he was from Switzerland. By the end of the hike I was limping pretty bad (my knee is still hurt) so I’m glad I didn’t have to walk far down the road. I really enjoyed Max’s company. He had me laughing the whole time and he likes to stop and take naps every so often – perfect hiking partner. I estimate the hike to have been about 13-15 miles. Awesome Hike!!
She smiles with a plastic grin beneath her chin lies another one Another foolish stunt - the stupid cunt Stupid stupid cunt you hoooooooo Sometimes when she's drunk she has a personality sometimes in her bunk she gets so horny she wants to screw who would want her anyway Hey'ii look the other way Natalie - I know the truth behind you And all your friends too
June 25, 1995
Played at open mike yesterday. Everyone was there, even John from last year. I played again and again and again Natalie. Too bad Natalie wasn’t there to hear it. I didn’t sound all that great but I got really high. Emily was being really flirty with me. I hiked almost to the top of Mnt. Washburn tonight with Jeff. There was too much snow to continue on. The sunset was awesome!!
The wind blows through my hair - hair will comb The scab that trails the wound - will remove And the sun that burns my face will someday Erase me from the world Erase me from the world The sting that led the eye - will remind The one who gained my heart - will depart And the sun that burns my face will someday Erase me from the world Erase me from the world Lay your guilt on me - I'm wrong I'm wrong I'm wrong Lay your guilt on me - I'm gone I'm gone I'm gone
July 23, 1995
Well I haven’t written in this thing much. I went out with Fred the scientist the other day. We took algae samples at Lewis and Jackson Lake. It was really neat – I love scientific work. I was a big help to him too. Went on a bushwacking hike yesterday to Sulfur Mnt. I set out in the rain. I saw a moose on the way and he posed for me as I took pictures of him from 20 yards away. Sulfur Mnt. was cooler than I expected. There was 2 big geyser basins with a big ridge rising from the middle. I had to cross the basin in order to get to the ridge. The ground was so hollow I could hear the echoes of my footsteps. I got some really cool sulfur samples. I made my way to the top of the ridge and was greeted by an incredible view of the lake. I saw vividly the Flat Mountain and Absaroka Range and I watched as a storm blew over. I saw 2 buffalo carcasses on my way down and I almost stepped on a porcupine. I got a foot away from his face and took a picture.
Fill my days with rain It never shines on me Baby don't be mean I'm not your enemy I know your heart beats fast but you're as plastic as can be You know I'm down
August 7, 1995
Went on an overnight hike by myself. I took the Pelican Creek Trail to the Lamar River Trail that heads to the Northeastern part of the park, near the Beartooth Mnts. 7 miles into the hike I stopped and took a nap. When I awoke, 4 people were walking up the trail to the Patrol Cabin. I told them about the bald eagle I saw (I got extremely close to it) and I knew they weren’t nice people. They asked me if I had a back country permit and when I said “no” they told me I couldn’t go on. They said I had to turn around and go back and if I didn’t they would radio ahead and get the rangers involved. After looking at their volunteer park service shirts I figured they weren’t a threat and I left without saying a word. Night-time was SPOOKY. I was visited by a bear in the night and I had never been so scared in my life. He made noise the whole night. A sound that resembled a cow’s moo and a dog’s bark combined. I could hear him approaching me and I made loud noise, hoping to avoid him. My heart was pounding like a drum and I was shaking like a leaf. I heard twigs snap behind me and I started praying out loud. I sang songs and I could still hear him making his noise. I sat up and saw a silhouette of him in the moonlight. He was startled by me and grunted as he took off down the hill. For the next 2 hours I listened as he wandered around me. I clutched my knife tightly and picked out the perfect tree for climbing. I realized how foolish I was for not hanging my food up in a tree. Finally there was silence and I was able to fall asleep. I felt like spending the night up in a tree but I was too cold and too sleepy. Being near that bear brought me SO much closer to God. I really feel he was looking out for me. I woke up to the sunshine, happy to be alive. The Lamar River Trail was a bitch. Up and down all the way. I had to cross 3 or 4 different rivers and each time I struggled not to fall in. I had 50 pounds on my back and my bare feet slipped on the jagged rocks below. I drank water from the rivers the whole way and purified it with iodine tablets. The hike was so long and I was so sore. When I reached the Lamar Trailhead I did at least 35 miles in all. My only choice was to hitchhike back. I stood on the road and 2 cars went by within 45 minutes. I said a prayer and started to cry. I was hungry and tired and the mosquitos were eating me alive. I just wanted to be home. A car going the opposite direction pulled up as I was looking at the ground and a man asked me if I needed a ride. I said “yes” and he gave me a ride all the way home – all 50 miles. Awesome Hike!!
The end is approaching. Lost my ride home and the girl I fell for. The summer has been a loss. I miss home and I know that home isn’t a good place to be. I feel my life slipping away with every beat of my heart. You have to go out on a limb in order to live.
Liar - you know its all over for me So much higher - crouch on your throne over me I'm not afraid of you - not afraid of you Come on Come on Turn my angry face away There's so many colors in your eyes - You know I don't know what to say There's so many soldiers in my life it's growing harder every day I'm not afraid of you - not afraid of you Come on Come on Turn my angry face away
I guess it was just her pretty face that left such an impression on me. I feel like a fool – it’s all over. Margaret says she loves me because she’s DOWN – and why did it happen after me? I was over her too. I’m just dazzled by fool’s gold.
Trendy Love Song Drink from the river - must purify thirst how long must I cover the feeling - Dig from the dirt How long must... All the worlds I find be empty Sing along or hold it all in shame Come along - the love I find is trendy Sing along - love is always made to fade away Comfort the children - love for their worth How long must - Eyes upon beauty - give to the church How long must... All the worlds I find be empty Sing along or hold it all in shame Come along - the life I lead is trendy Life was only made to fade away The love I find is trendy - sing along The life I lead is trendy - Come along your love for Christ is trendy - Sing along Love was only made to fade away
August 10, 1995
Could I possibly do without it all – Probably – I’ve done without it this far. The hours pass so dull but leave a sharp pain in my side when all has ended – and from here on out what is there?
August 15, 1995
At the Phoenix airport – headed home. I quit Friday and ended up staying with Emily for the weekend. I really wish she and I could have been together. Lindsey took me to the bus station Monday morning. In order for me to make it on time we had to speed. Every buffalo had a traffic jam nearby due to stupid tourists. We arrived at West Yellowstone with 15 minutes to spare. I went up to the bus driver to purchase my ticket and he was a real dick to me (I was even being respectful and kind to him). When he saw the baggage I wanted to check in he snapped at me and said I had to carry it on – I asked him why I was able to check it in on my way to West Yellowstone from Salt Lake. I had many things I needed to take on with me and a few less would have helped me tremendously. He replied in an angry tone, “I just told you, you can’t take it on.” He wrote out my ticket and I impatiently snatched it out of his hand. He said, “Stay here!!” He told me “I don’t want any smart asses on my bus” As he walked off I grabbed my backpack full of rock samples and I hit him in the head with it. I got in his face and said “I’ll kick your ass old man!” He quickly retreated into the bus and threatened to call the cops. So as fate would have it – I hitchhiked to Salt Lake City. I stood out by the freeway with a sign that read “$40 to SLC – Please.” Within 45 minutes, fortunately, I was picked up by a 69 year old man who was also going to Salt Lake. He had with him another hitchhiking person (Ruben) who was also going to Salt Lake. The old man was an alcoholic and he drank at least a 12 pack on our way there. I ended up driving half way and Ruben drove the other half. We beat the bus by two hours. I thought Ruben was a cool guy so I let him stay at my hotel room. Ruben was a really interesting fellow and I learned a lot from him. He works about 6 weeks to a month every year and travels around the rest of the time. His friends in New York built a boat out of garbage and they are sailing across the Atlantic. They don’t know where they’ll land – somewhere between Europe and Africa. Ruben in the near future is going to build a raft out of garbage and he plans on taking it from Baja to Central America. He plans on buying a donkey when he reaches his destination. The two of us went bar-hopping around town – We went to a couple of micro breweries and the beer was Excellent. We found an underground club and watched a band play. The people there were freaks. It was like being in Montrose. No matter how we tried, we couldn’t seem to meet anyone. Salt Lake had a lot of homeless people there. I was offered cocaine 3 different times. After getting good and drunk we ate at Denny’s. What I found most fascinating about Ruben was his free spirit and his ability to travel around with nothing and be content. He told me that the most important thing in life is to “Do what you want to do” -No matter what it might be. So many people are trapped and day after day go to work – and they don’t want to go to work. The reason he was in Salt Lake was because last time in town he found a mountain lion carcass. He plans on hiking back out there and collecting the bones. He wants to label the bones and put the skeleton back together again. What a goal? The next morning I saw him off, shook his hand and said “goodbye”
Sunshine and light that shades my mind
Trendy Love Song - 2 tracks Drink from the river - must purify thirst - just to go on How Long Must I cover the feeling - Dig in the dirt - Just to go on How Long Must... I comfort the children - Love for their worth - Just to go on How Long Must Eyes upon beauty - Give to the church - Just to go on How Long Must... The words I find are trendy The life I live is trendy Your Love for Christ is trendy
Again Again – Live – Shitty sounding
Seasons – me on mushrooms – 3 years ago
It's hard to breathe oh Lord, oh how they look at me my Lord, so far to sink oh Lord (Me again - playing drums on the guitar while playing) How Low?? It's hard to speak oh Lord Oh how they turn on me my Lord how much is deep oh Lord
The scar on your back from a rugburn that I could never give you
Sebastion, Whats up Bud. I'm just winding down from a long day at school. Did Lindsey tell you of my confrontation with the looser cruiser (busdriver)?
I can’t talk until December – Psychology Project
I need to get my guitar
I’m sick of talking
My Daydream My daydream seems as one inside of you Though it seems hard to reach through the stars your blue and hopeless lies My daydream screams bitter till the end The love I share true Selfish to the heart My heart - my sacred heart My daydreams dream My daydream My daydream dreams My daydream
The cloud through the sky bends the light in your eye and your lips kiss the breeze gently Your tongue speaks the word, I never have heard and the sky is so blue and so empty We hopelessly drift in a sea of worry The weight of the shame and your arms You kiss me again and say you're sorry The weight of the shame in your arms
Although I was in a wild paradise, I like to be depressed and victimized. This, along with my unexplained limp, turned me into quite the alcoholic. Even my manic tendencies could have been avoided if I wasn’t surrounded by old, white, self-righteous,
Coming down hurts so bad I miss the lie that I once had I'd kill myself but I can't aim Fuck this hand, it feels the same The king of the jungle has ravaged his land Poisoned the water with delicate hands
We need a war to bring us together I want a war to watch on T.V. We need a war - we can't live forever I want a war instead of disease Open the seal - Let the horses run free Nothing will heal till the horses run free We need a war to make us feel better Let the horses run free I want to see them break seals It's our one destiny - Final turn of the wheel Let the horses run free - They could never be tame It's all over you see - Even horses
William Kirk Niemann
May 15, 1974 – October 28, 2016
The Apple and the birdcage 